Harleys

[kozmikdave]

Lined up along a busy city street,
A row of Harley Davidsons I saw
All polished up with tyres blacked and neat,*
Their riders middle aged and dressed for war.

Their steeds stripped back to show the polished chrome
With wild fantastic scenes revealed in paint,
And while with standard bikes I feel at home,
Of semi-naked frames I've no complaint.

I walked away – I had to catch my train.
Then from behind a crackle and a roar
The thunder rolled right past me with disdain –
That slowly stroking piston over-bore.

One day I’ll have a Harley of my own.
I’ll buy it new – not chopped or overblown.


*tyres ==> ty-yews (2 sylls)


Original V2

Their steeds stripped back to show the polished chrome
And personalities revealed in paint
And while with standard bikes I feel at home
These semi-naked frames made me feel faint.

[barrie]

Eat yer 'eart out Arlo Guthrie!

First sonnet I've read about bikes. Can't fault it really - the only thing that I wasn't comfortable with was ' made me feel faint', in V2. Seems way out of place in a sonnet about bikes - it's usually what old women say. You can do better than that. I know it's the rhyming thing again and that 'paint' is a bit of a bummer for a good rhyme.
While I've been trying to think of an alternative (failing miserably), I noticed something else - two 'ands' beginning lines two and three in the same verse.

Apart from that, I think you've done a good job. One line especially caught my (good) eye - ' That slowly stroking piston over-bore.'

Enjoyed it - nice one

Barrie.

I like the note fer them'erz cornt speyk reet.

[Duncan Williams.]

G'day Dave, very nicely written poem, enjoyed the flavour.. during our country music festival we have in Tamworth every year, we use to see many bikers and harleys come to town for the festival. it's a real eye opener to see a group of bikers crackerling along the street together. their a brand of their own.. kind regards. Duncan Williams.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Thanks Barrie. Advice taken. I hope it is better although it has changed the meaning somewhat. A lazy way of doing things, I guess.

Hi Duncan - I hope to get to Tamworth and do some performing in the next year or two. Might be able to look you up. Don'tcha just love the sound of a Harley?

Cheers
Dave

[barrie]

That's better. It has changed the meaning - but they didn't really make you feel faint, did they?

'Of semi-naked frames I've no complaint.' - Wise man.

Like it.

Barrie

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

My original idea was one of disappointment (rage would be far too strong) that they had bastardized the machines as much as they did - without my permission or certificate from "Kozmikdave's School of Couth". They even sounded slightly crackly to me - oh horror of it all.

Cheers
Dave

[Jester]

Dave

I'm being exteremy picky tonight. I hit my first and last problem with "personalities ".
Up to there the meter is superb and I think the length of the word spoils it, and (to me) it dips at the end instead of lifting. Having said that, I'm jiggered if I can think of an alternative...."attitude and ???"

Other than that I found it very well executed and a pleasure to read. Great picture you painted and, though I'm not knowledgable about bikes, I could appreciate the sentiment at the end.

Nice one Dave

Mick

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Mick

I know what you mean. I had to keep counting the syllable myself on that line just to make sure it fitted. Maybe not true iambic pentameter. If I say it with a bouncy sort of unnatural rhythm, it works OK but it is a bit forced. I'll think about it real hard and see what comes up. (And here was I thinking that any fool can knock out a sonnet!)

Cheers
Dave

[Jester]

That's the spirit Dave. I get a temperature when one of these is going around my brain - you can almost hear the gearbox whining

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I have twiddled with the aforesaid line and think it rolls along much better. (Only ten more lines to change.)

Cheers
Dave