Poetry Forum

Polite — second draft.

He smiles gently,
and all is still:
a fly squats briefly
on his forehead
above his good eye
then investigates
the cooling carcass.

He has finished his work
been paid, cleaned his
blade, holstered the hammer,
wiped the red spatter
off his arms; the pig
lies mute nearby,
already bacon in my mind.

He smiles gently again,
turns and heads off
down the dusty road
towards the converted shack
where his wayward wife
and little girl of seven
will soon face
the same deliberate smile.

[Original first stanza:
He smiles gently,
As if undisturbing a
Moulting butterfly —
Or is it a copperhead,
Shrugging off its geometric
Scales? ]

I never knew you could spell moulting like that. But there's an l missing in butterfy.

"Undisturbing" - clever, but I don't think it works. You can't describe not waking someone by saying you unwaked them; same goes here.

Already bacon in my mind - I like that.

The ending - a future domestic bloodletting, to my mind - is quite chilling.

Very good, rw. Welcome back.

David

Riv
I thought it might be improved by removing the upper-case start from lines that continue from the ones previous.
I'm glad David got the same thought about the domestic scene.....I thought I was being weird . Interesting what comes up from such (innocent?) writing, isn't it. I thought "undisturbing" was acceptable for the flow, but it did jar a bit - maybe it's just because we're not used to it. Enjoyed the contrast of the smile with the task in hand.

My favourite part was -

"the pig
Lies mute nearby,
Already bacon in my mind. "

Cheers.

Mick

The first verse doesn't seem to belong to what follows - which is simple in style yet coldly menacing. Personally, I would prefer the first verse to be written in the same way. As it is, it fails to grab - this job was left to the rest of the poem.

Apart from V1 - Chillingly effective.

cheers

Barrie

I dithered with the moulting/molting — my spellchecker (which is mainly American) protested the former. I prefer the former, so back it goes. Thanks for the "l".

I appreciate the comments regarding the first stanza, caps, "undisturbing". I shall think about the caps, because I was considering dropping them as you suggest.

About the first stanza. You are aware that a copperhead is a poisonous snake?

Yes, I know what a copperhead is.

This redisturbed me - in a way.

What with the pigs and converted shacks. Leatherface is in town.

The title "Polite" in conjunction with the content suggests a rather formidable character, a disturbing one!

I'd be interested to know why you included this line:

"Or is it a copperhead," was there a point?

enjoyed
Kris

"Or is it a copperhead," was there a point?

Just read the reply! - not sure it works though.

Perhaps "Does he see a copperhead?"?

Perhaps I should go to another image. I think of Norman Bates not bothering a fly . . . .

He smiles gently again
Turns 'the' heads off

Not sure why this works for me and means you would have to alter the following lines. Sorry for complicating things, your re-write is better. Something of Bomba.....Absolons Sword in this.

Or what about "cooling carcasses" — that double whammy occured to me as I was rewriting stanza 1 . . . .

Maybe I should call in Quentin&Uma.

Quentin might just be able to help. Let me speak to Uma.....do you have her number?

Sorry, I promised . . . .

There is something inherently sinister about pigsticking - the idea that
the pig has to die slowly so that the meat ends up white and is
therefore worth more.
I am reminded of the pigsticking episode in Hardly's "Jude the Obscure".

What chilled me most about this poem was that the narrator seems
to have the same cold, hard attitude - towards the bacon and the
wayward wife.

Geoff

You do write with a punch don’t you, riverwriter!

Though I like the poetics of your original 1st S, I think the revision’s simplicity works well for the rest of the piece in this case. The easy use of language throughout really does make for an unsettling read.

As Geoff mentioned, I also felt the coldness of the narrator. There’s no shock or fear, just a passiveness that makes the read more frightening and very effective too.

I’m going to pick S1 as my favourite, because as a reader, I was unsure where I was going to be led, but instantly felt uncomfortable..

‘He smiles gently,
and all is still:
a fly squats briefly
on his forehead
above his good eye
then investigates
the cooling carcass.’

Lia

The new first verse works much better - simpler and hinting more at what's to come. I'm not sure whether the line, 'above his good eye' is necessary. Obviously it's a matter of taste, but I don't think it adds anything to a verse which works perfectly well without it.

A complete poem.

cheers

Barrie

hi riverwriter

Very evocative, atmospheric piece you have crafted - the clinical surgery of a job well done
and that smile ! suggests pride in a job well done ? - or is it a reptilian smile gazing full of intent at the carcass (Im reminded of events in the movie: "the black dahlia" ) and then later that same smile at his "wayward wife" - excellent word combination " - suggesting for the reader something not quite right with family life ( unsettling strangeness is intimated an yet we feel nothing can perturb this clinical, stealthy fellow ...why he doesn't bother to fan away the the fly on the forehead ... good stuff!

I personally think you have watered done the strength of the first stanza - should of kept the copperhead image in there to pack a potent punch

a compact piece with well chosen words, a definite keeper, though I felt the title did not do justice to your piece


Arco