Poetry Forum

Odder than odd
that sod of ground
around the lifted
garden. A tonsure
clinging to shiny new brick.
Remember when we
peeled it back?
It tore off like a scab;
A circular monument
to all that was clean
and bright and green.
I hope we felt the pain!

I like the first four lines - with a profusion of the consonant 'd' - the repetition imply a stuttering, or perhaps tentative approach, a hesitantcy to a deliberate premeditated action (such as digging perhaps, or unearthing, revealing in the light of day ...something obviously very painful that is reminisced and shared with a close friend ?

this is classic camus - compact, taught but full of implied meaning with well chosen words making the mind race in all directions.



senor arco

Mmmm "WAS clean and bright"
- so that refers to the plants and not the shiny new brickwork?
I'm thinking perhaps that you are having a dig at people with
sanitised gardens - manicured lawns, larchlap fencing, water features etc

The image that comes across to me is indeed painful -
it is one of scalping.

An interesting read
Geoff

Gidday

Some really clever writing in the beginning few lines. All that internal rhyme and galloppy rhythm. Then it shifts to more complex, then back again to similar rhythm - a bit like one of those bucking machines.

That said, there are some effective images.

Remember when we
peeled it back?
It tore off like a scab;

reminds me of the aftermath of a motorbike accident I once had. Can I suggest permaculture? No care required, and it can just go bald if it wants to.

Cheers
Dave

Just a suggestion - Have you considered using 'tonsure', instead of 'monk's hairdo' -

'Odder than odd
that sod of ground
around the lifted
garden. A clinging
tonsure on
shiny new brick.' -- You've got the 'd's' and 'g's' together then the 'sh' of 'tonsure' and 'shiny' - plus the two 'ons' in 'tonsure on'.

Just a thought

Barrie

Thanks guys.

The poem is basically about a time when a few of us young hoodlums tore up a circular patch of new turf/grass that was laid around a new rose garden.

Guilt of course ensued. Only years later though, when of course the beauty of my surroundings became apparent.

Great suggestion Barrie, the "Monk's Hairdo" was supposed to be comical, but I don't think it really fits the tone.

Change it I will

cheers
Kris

(Back to tearing my hair out over a displaced navigation menu - Goddam IE7) let browers be as one, pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase.

I have come back several times to this piece, intrigued by the shift out of the superb first three and a half lines, puzzled by the last line — which you finally explained, Kris; maybe therein lies a problem to be considered — only now do I understand what to say about it: you have to give us a little more context — perhaps in the title?.

About IE7: what are you doing with that horror? load Firefox!

I'm glad you explained Kris (I was struggling with that last line too).It all makes perfect sense now, and it's a great poem. "Rebel's Remorse" for the title?

Riverwriter's right about firefox - I've been using it for months now, and find it far easier to use.

Mick

From a web designers point of view Firefox is just as much hassle. Some aspects work in IE some in Firefox, not always in both!

Tables and CSS perform differently in both, a right old pain in the arse.