Poetry Forum

archived -- poetry competition

Arco

Thought "curses and cusses" were a bit similar to be together like that, but I suppose it sounds good.

"lashed by the leaves in the trees
cracking as a cat-of-nine tails" - "on the trees"? Nice image and sonics.

What a strange man . Enjoyable read.

Cheers

Mick

oooohh errrr - battle of the poets!

Ah Lovecraft! He managed to describe such cold, grey, gothic, dead space. And you've gone some way to emulating that, though not as to be in competition.

Is it based on a specific story? You go from a cliff to a courtyard to trees. I can't quite picture it.

Also, you use a lot of punctuation at the end but not in the beginning, so that first full stop is like jamming on the breaks.

Good stuff though.

I wondered about the punctuation too, as well as some of the line-breaks.. only small things like the weak breaks of 'in the' & 'at' and perhaps bringing 'and he' up to the previous line. I also wondered about an S-break after 'emerged'.. if it helps at all? But these are only suggestions and, though(shamefully) I don't know H.P. Lovecraft, I could certainly picture this swing being thrashed about in haunting winds. Does he take his turn?

Lia

thank you all,

a little of the gothic genre here, not quite the florid language of lovecarft --I love the moods he creates in his short stories even though he overuses adjectives.

You are right about the punctuation and line breaks, they are weak and awkward

I made the changes and edited


cheers
Arco

I really don't think you need 'for his turn' at the end, Arco. It is so evident already. imho, ending on 'swing' was the perfect way to end this wonderful and atmospheric piece. Would you consider cutting it?

.. I just noticed an extra 'at' in the second to last line.

I've been trying to find ways of dropping all the punctuation, because it looks as though you're wanting to do that here, and this poem could definately manage it effectively.

.. this is only one possible suggestion (using an S-break to lose the capital letter)..

'that played havoc and spun in the wind

the spectres out in full squall force
and he absolutely unmoved
no emotion
leering down in the blackness
at the midnight swing'

.. of course, I'm being over-technical dropping capital letters, but if you wanted to lose them you'd need to change to 'hellish', 'gables', and possibly S-break after 'emerged' so you could have 'he watched..'

I hope you don't mind me offering these suggestions..? Ultimately, it's your choice after all.

Lia

not at all Lia,

Im open to all critical commentary.

Your suggestions finess the piece.

I need to get this right - its going into a local poetry-comp

thanks for feedback

Arco

oh I'm glad Arco. It does look and read well doesn't it. I'm looking at those two commas as I expect you are too..

you could probably lose the one after 'monocled' without causing attention to it, but after 'he watched' is more difficult..

you could either line-break

eg:

'he watched
waited with an insane eye'

or lose 'waited'..?

Anyway.. I wish you the very best of luck in the poetry-comp. I'm sure this will dazzle them.

Lia

Yes Lia I agree

comma after monocled can definetly go -- but the comma after 'waited' is a brief pause to my way of thinking -- a line break I feel will be too much abruptness -- and the issue of having one comma in the entire piece , is it out of place or uncanny that solitary comma ? - extremely difficult to say the least

I'll have to sleep on it.

Yes I know what 'sort of poems ' will be entered in the comp, I've chosen a gothic piece about a little old cut-tyre swing , moving about in the wind - sort of contemporary gothic scenario just to throw a spanner in the works

LOL

arco

I got a whiff of Gerald Manley Hopkins.

"I have desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail,
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea."

DG,

ah !

what a synchronistic turn of phrase: "And out of the swing of the sea."

Hopkins is the the poet's poet - wow

what i sthe title of the poem ?

whenever I see that happening, that is, writing a piece creatively and some literary folk point out a reference to an older poem written before: say a century ago , I tremble for a moment.

Arco

Touche! LOL

It's called Heaven-Haven (A Nun Takes the Veil). I was made to recite it by heart for failing to show due respect to my English teacher, when I was a school boy. I've never forgotten it because I like it very much.

Best wishes

DG.

You're right about the abruptness that line-break would cause, Arco.

You'll have to say how the competition goes, especially as you're throwing a spanner in the works!

Lia