Poetry Forum

It grows late
and grey -
candlelit
remnants of day.
Shadows, like memories,
flit in dustwebbed corners,
wedging secrets,
and night’s insects;
urging moths
to sacrifice their wings
in candleflame –

Hope burns and drops,
sets quickly in the wax,
then dies amongst the crumbs
on ale stained table tops.

--------------------

The Red Lion Inn was where the Gunpowder Plotters waited for news of Fawkes' attempt to blow up Parliament.

The subtlety is a nice contrast for the grand underlying plot. You show good restraint where others might try and pad it out with sights, sounds, smells, and basically, a lot more. It's a skill to know when to stop. This is finished, this is good.

This is really good Barrie. I was about to quote a few good bits but there aren't any - it's just one good organic thing. Dissection would do it no service. However, I must just praise the music of the opening:

It grows late
and grey,
candlelit
remnants of day.

That's beautiful.

It's so nice, when you're thinking it's about time you turned in a few dutifully encouraging crits (horrible word), to be moved to outright enthusiasm.

This is all far too positive. What can I criticise? Well, personally I don't think you need the footnote. As soon as I saw 1605 in the title I thought it must be the Gunpowder Plot, and when you add November I'm sure. One reading of the poem confirmed it.

However, I have recently noticed Keith and Caleb's observations on their problems with British topographical poems, and I suppose the same would apply to local history. So maybe you do need it.

Doesn't matter. This is a new personal favourite of mine. It would go on whatever the poetic equivalent of a compilation tape would be. (Have I just defined a personal anthology really ineptly? Other men's flowers, indeed.)

Good work Barrie.

It's all been said, but this was my favourite bit if I had to choose -

"Shadows, like memories,
flit in dustwebbed corners,
wedging secrets,
and night’s insects"

Great read.

Mick.

I like all of it, but since folk are highlighting the way down the poem:

urging moths
to sacrifice their wings
in candleflame

like the menace of temptation in 'urging'

mac

Subtle indeed.

Its full of cliches that aren't.

Perhaps an "explosive" adjective here and there would have fitted in nicely?

a mellow read.

Vesuvius - thanks for your comments, glad you liked it.

David - You're right about the footnotes - also right about why they're there. I also noticed Keith's and Caleb's observations. I'm not too sure how well known the event is outside Britain. Thanks for the positives.

Thanks Mick - appreciated.

Mac - Your quote was my favourite bit too - Thanks.

Thanks Kris - Explosive adjectives - I like that one (could've been one of Geoffs).

cheers all

Barrie

Barrie,

A brilliant description of the rise and demise of hope.
The candle flame also worked for me as a metaphor for prayer and
for Catholicism.

"It grows late
and grey,
candlelit
remnants of day."
-a mere quibblette: I was completely thrown by the comma after "grey"
and was expecting a verb to follow "day".
Perhaps a semi-colon or hyphen.

Plaudits, guy
Geoff

I really loved this Barrie. The restraint and calm of the poem, of the situation you describe, when the reader is aware what was intended by the men there was the Gunpowder Plot, is really quite haunting.
However, I'm ashamed to admit that, even though I'm Scottish, I still totally needed the postscript. I ought to know more about British history...

Rachel

Geoff - You're right, a hyphen it is. The candle metaphor was just a coincidence - I never saw it (maybe I should have kept quiet) - Good one, thanks.

Thanks Rachel - Glad I managed to get the atmosphere across OK. Most people still think that Fawkes was burned to death - he wasn't. The bonfire's an old Samhain custom, end of summer and all that. The Catholic Plotters managed to prolong a pagan festival - Ironic eh?

Cheers both

Barrie

Like David, I enjoyed the sound in the first four lines. "Remnants of day" though, sounds too much to me like "remains of the day" - which I haven't read but is one of those phrases that I can't expunge from my mind. I'm probably alone in this.

"Dustwebbed" is good. Not sure about the use of "wedging" which to me is an active verb - I'm thinking "wedging secrets where??"

The transition from S1 to S2 is excellent, I love the dash from "candleflame" to "hope". I'd draw "table tops" back to the end of the previous line; it just sounds better to me.

I also, to my slight shame, needed the postscript. I could probably have figured it out if you'd read it out as a pub quiz question, but poetry's not a bloody pub quiz, is it.

Excellent Sire! What I always enjoy about your poems is the careful application of economical yet sharp language to leave the reader with a strong image - like Robert Frost.

Having just read some of Sandburg's work I appreciate it even more.

Keep scribbling.

Thanks Robert - and scribble on, I will.

k-j - Originally 'wedging secrets' was 'enshrouding secrets' -

'Shadows, like memories,
flit in dustwebbed corners,
enshrouding secrets,
and night’s insects'

The secrets are meant to be wedged in 'dustwebbed corners' by the 'shadows'; but in doing this I'm using 'dustwebbed corners' as a direct and indirect object at the same time, so I guess it is a little clumsy. I'll see if I get any feedback on that one - I'm very tempted to use 'enshrouded' now.

You're right about 'table tops' - that shall be corrected.

Thanks for your suggestions.

cheers both

Barrie

Excellent. A real sense of place.

Thanks muchly

Stu

/

You wedge secrets in cracks and little dark corners. The use of wedging is great. Enshrouding is more expected and more cliche. It's girlier! I want to think of the plotters as wedgers - not shrouders. It goes with their big boots and buckles.

Its pretty good the way it is.

All been said.
Dave

I thought "wedging" was perfect.

Thanks Stu.

Saul - I wondered about the opening when I first wrote it out (It just came into my head), I messed about with it but never got anywhere - it just seemed to say what I wanted it to say, so I left it. The candle was the main metaphor, the moth representative of the plotters. I'd just been reading Hardy's Moth Signal for the umpteenth time, that's where I drew that idea from. - Thanks.

Dave, Mick - I guess the secrets can stay wedged for now - Thanks for your opinions.

cheers all

Barrie

Gee it’s busy on this thread and I’m a bit late, mind you, it’s the 4th so perhaps I’m early.

Barrie, I’m sure you’re rubbing in the fact that you can create Red Lion Inn in just a few words.. if I was to attempt this, wouldn’t it be more like 40-50 lines? smiles. Anyway, wonderful use of metaphor in this..

‘and night’s insects;
urging moths
to sacrifice their wings
in candleflame –’

My favourite for atmosphere, timing and perfect placement of words..

‘Hope burns and drops,
sets quickly in the wax,
then dies amongst the crumbs
on ale stained table tops.’

I’m fine without the footnote, but others may have to google. I suppose the footnote means they won’t need to.

Lia

Thanks Lia - Well it's the 5th November now, 401 years later and we're still burning Catholics. In this modern society of religious equality it's still against the law for a Catholic to become a monarch - If they repealed the Act of Settlement there would be Stuarts with stronger claims to the throne than Charles Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, AKA Windsor.

Penny for the Guy!

cheers

Barrie