Way to go

[barrie]

In the hospital ward
my mother was told
that she must rest.
Then she grew cold and never got dressed.

My father died one night in May,
we both knew that he’d die that day.
Extra morphine for the pain,
cancer’s loss, graveyard's gain.

I spent that night beside his bed
in wait for that elusive breath,
that stands aside and lets in Death.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Reads pretty well. The rhyme scheme is a bit of a law unto itself, but it works.

It's a very detached view of death you have chosen. Better than all that super-grieving that is expected. (Although I did cry when my mother died - seeing her in the coffin was a bit too close to the bone.) That was the biggest difference between my (Irish-catholic-induced) upbringing and what I saw around Europe - detachment. I prefer that.

cancer’s loss, Hades’ gain.

I assume your use of "Hades" is the grave rather than hell in the Christian sense of the word. But either interpretation could be used.

I spent that night beside his bed
in wait for that elusive breath,
that stands aside and lets in Death.

This verse was the strong finish that I've come to expect from your writing. Nice

Cheers
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

It would be intrusive, I feel, to comment on such a deeply personal poem,
except to say that the last verse is brilliant and resonates deeply with
this reader

Geoff

[cameron]

This is a very powerful, personal poem barrie. The only part which troubled me, though, was "Hades' gain" - which seemed at odds with the overall, non-mythical (down to earth) style of the rest of the poem. Also, if Hades is interpreted as "hell" - then it also seems to imply that your father was a "bad" person - which is probably not what you intended??

Good work.

Cam

[David]

I loved the first verse Barrie. It has the feel of a classic (old old) blues song, and there can be (almost) no finer praise for me.

It also reminded me of Louis MacNeice (again) - I'm posting the poem I thought of in the appropriate place - see what you think of it.

I found Hades jarred a bit with me as well. I know mythology is very much your thing, but it didn't seem to sit quite right.

A very moving finish. Difficult subject to deal with, but you've done it well.

David

[Minstrel]

Captured the sense as well as any other poem I've read on the same subject. Always reserved. Perhaps as it should be.

Share the same view on 'hades' as Cameron.

I did read last line of last stanza as 'lets death in'...I know it breaks from the rhyme but works for that reason, to me. Leaves it unfinished. Like death. Or as David might say...cetera desunt

[camus]

yep I'm an agreeing, very poignant.

I'm presuming Hades has some personal/significant meaning, if not, then I guess it must go!

nice one.

I first came across "Hades" when I was about 7 and we performed a play at school about the place, all I remember is consuming pomegranates?

[barrie]

I guess Hades is banished to Tartarus then - where he belongs. It was meant to represent death etc, but it does seem out of place here now - So thanks for putting me straight.

I didn't want to invoke any religious images so - cancer's loss, graveyards gain - is what I came up with.

Funny thing is death - I still dream about my parents, and talk to them. Strange.

Thanks for all your comments

Barrie

[Ryder]

That jars a bit Barry. I'm sure there are lots of alternatives. It isnt one or the other.

[barrie]

That's how it seemed at the time - He was dying slowly and painfully, the extra morphine cheated the cancer, and neither of us had any illusions of anything after death, only the graveyard. One thing he did say a few weeks before he died - "Bury me in't backyard - it's cheaper than't bloody cemetery." My mother wouldn't have it though.

cheers

Barrie.

[Ryder]

ah well. We all gut same road.

[Saul]

/

[Robert]

Brilliant Barrie. I am a big admirer of your sharp and no nonsense writing. Thank You. I'm delighted you ditched Hades - it seemed so out of place.

More please.

Take Care

[barrie]

ah well. We all gut same road.

- Thet reet theer, lad! - cheers.

Thanks Saul - I remember reading about Hades in Robert Graves' Greek Myths - Some say the Asphodel fields are where forgotten heroes twitter aimlessly, only the shade of Orion still has the heart to hunt the ghostly deer that roam there. The only time they're cheered is when a libation of blood is poured in honour of one of them - And these are the heroes. What about the workers then? Let there be nothing (or everything!) - that's equality!

Thanks Robert - Ditching Hades was good advice from the first.

cheers all

Barrie

[David]

Serendipity again. I just happened to read this last night.

Hence to deep Acheron they take their way,
Whose troubled eddies, thick with ooze and clay,
Are whirl'd aloft, and in Cocytus lost.
There Charon stands, who rules the dreary coast-
A sordid god: down from his hoary chin
A length of beard descends, uncomb'd, unclean;
His eyes, like hollow furnaces on fire;
A girdle, foul with grease, binds his obscene attire.
He spreads his canvas; with his pole he steers;
The freights of flitting ghosts in his thin bottom bears.
He look'd in years; yet in his years were seen
A youthful vigor and autumnal green.
An airy crowd came rushing where he stood,
Which fill'd the margin of the fatal flood:
Husbands and wives, boys and unmarried maids,
And mighty heroes' more majestic shades,
And youths, intomb'd before their fathers' eyes,
With hollow groans, and shrieks, and feeble cries.
Thick as the leaves in autumn strow the woods,
Or fowls, by winter forc'd, forsake the floods,
And wing their hasty flight to happier lands;
Such, and so thick, the shiv'ring army stands,
And press for passage with extended hands.

[Lia]

It seems to me that sometimes the lack of emotional language makes for a more painful read. You do this perfectly in the poem, Barrie. I don’t know that I had a problem with Hades (a word I have rarely seen in a poem-- though I do think a little of the Lone Wolf and Cub series), but graveyard’s gain works just as well for that stanza. An outstanding poem.

You said, ‘I didn't want to invoke any religious images’.. I was wondering if this was out of respect for your father or perhaps because of your own views?

David, that poem is familiar.. who wrote it?

Lia

[David]

That's a bleeding chunk of Dryden, Lia, torn from his translation of the Aeneid. I found it pre-packaged though, in a nice anthology.

[Lia]

haha oh yes, Vergil! I remember my English teacher reading some of this to us. I had to write an essay on it.. and a bit hard going it was too!

Thank you for reminding me.

[ccvulture]

Certainly the greatest poem in the Latin language, Aeneid. Though I don't think Dryden's version would appeal to me now!

If I could write something a tenth as good in the modern way, I'd be a happy man..

Stu

[barrie]

David - Is this the bit where he goes to the Underworld to look for Anchises (as Odysseus looked for Teiresias) and Dido's ghost pisses him off?
Busy people these Trojans - the Aeneids were supposedly the progenitors of the Romans, and Aeneus' great(?)-grandson, Brutus, was the the first of the Legendary Kings of Britain - according to Nennius, the Britons were named after Brutus.

Thanks Lia - My own views - Looking at the state of the world, and God's so- called special primates, he doesnt seem at all concerned about all the shit (we could always blame the 'Devil', I suppose). Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, he's not not worth bothering with - My father never a religious man either, he was bothered about people - not gods. God was originally an explanation for things we couldn't understand, it just got out of hand.

If you don't hear from me again, then I'll have been struck down.

cheers all

Barrie

[Jester]

I think, Barrie, that the way you've dealt with the subject in a seemingly detatched manner draws emotion from the reader. It works far better (for me) than any other poem I've read about death. Great job on the meter too.

Mick.

[ccvulture]

Barrie, I like the last verse best. I couldn't see the first verse fitting in really either, unless you include them both in the closing lines.

Sensitively-played, though.

Stu

[barrie]

Thanks Mick - appreciate your comments.

Stu - I take it you mean include both parents in the last verse? I wasn't there when my mother died. I was at the hospital when they told her she needed to rest - her death came unexpectedly, I'd already gone.

cheers both

Barrie

[Lia]

Ref. views: I hold the same opinion, Barrie, but I will say I am a bit spiritual in an earthy sort of way.. always happiest when I’m out walking.

Lia

[barrie]

I'm not closed-minded about religion, I just don't like the way it's been stage managed and used to control people - I know society needs to be kept stable, but I think the spiritual side of life should be personal, not subject the one size fits all Faiths that are thrust upon would be believers, and even worse, on those who have no choice.

Enough, or I'll be branded a heretic (better heretic than lunatic).

cheers

Barrie