Poetry Forum

Before Dark

We stood on the driveway in the evening
and our shadows on the pavement
were long
and distorted,
elegantly stretched.

So I posed
with my hands in the air
and my head tossed back-
dark hair cascading,
while he traced my outline
with a bit of chalk.

So I moved,
leaving a semi-permanent
pastel silhouette.

I traced his beside mine,
clutching chalk
moving slowly
being careful.
We starred at them,
standing frozen.

I voiced no jealousy;
though the chalk of their bodies
were closer than ours were.

Then he embraced me
and it was very
three-dimensional.

I never wanted it to be
day or night ever again.
I only wanted to trace
those dark, mimicking shadows
as they hugged on the driveway
before dark came,
and leave dusty yellow handprints
on the back of his black jacket.

beautiful, almost erotic, but not quite, thank god.

loved it, although perhaps condense "in a very three-dimensional way"

camus wrote:almost erotic, but not quite, thank god.

sheesh.

TG,

Every daddy shivers just a bit at the thought of their once baby girls venturing out into the world of the testosterone driven neanderthal which is and always will be the teenage male. We all remember, perhaps with a tinge of self-loathing, how we were at that age... Don't mind us for being a touch, er, touchy about it. That doesn't mean, by any stretch, that this was not well done, because it is. Good stuff.

-A.S.

Before Dark

We stood on the driveway in the evening
and our shadows on the pavement
were long
and distorted,
elegantly stretched.

So I posed
with my hands in the air
and my head tossed back-
dark hair cascading,
while he traced my outline
with a bit of chalk.

So I moved,
leaving a semi-permanent
pastel silhouette.

I traced his beside mine,
clutching chalk
moving slowly
being careful.
We starred at them,
standing frozen.

I voiced no jealousy;
though the chalk of their bodies
were closer than ours were.

Then he embraced me
and it was very
three-dimensional.

I never wanted it to be
day or night ever again.
I only wanted to trace
those dark, mimicking shadows
as they hugged on the driveway
before dark came,
and leave dusty yellow handprints
on the back of his black jacket.

___________________________________________________________________



This is a revised version of an old poem. I was hoping to improve upon it. Since there seems to be a lot of new people on the forum, some fresh ideas and comments could help as well.

an oldie but a goodie.

nice new nuances.

its amazing how women always seem to enjoy flirting more than guys do.

I bet passers by thought two people had been stretched to death.

Nice poem

D

eh...one thing...

if you didn't want Camus saying it was "almost erotic" then why did you throw in "before dark?" What do you think Clapton's "After Midnight" alludes to?

I'm very cautious of posting on the boards without constructive critism now. But in the case of this peice there's nothing that I can see that could be changed.

I was pretty sure that:

I voiced no jealousy;
though the chalk of their bodies
were closer than ours were.

would be the be the best thing I saw today. But then it was followed by:

Then he embraced me
and it was very
three-dimensional.

...Inspired.

In fact the only thing that jarred slightly was the term "bit of chalk". Peice of chalk just sounded better for me. O.K that was sort of a critisism to keep the mods happy.

However, I'm glad you reposted this as I'm new to the boards and missed it the first time. Really, really liked this.

F8

Where is fancy bread, in the heart or in the head?

If only random comic nudity were possible on a forum...

The mods aren't the fascists...I am.

Hey Wonka,

I think you have a case of forum tourettes.

Everyone else,

Thanks for the comments!

.that girl.

Wonka? Wonka quoted Ogden Nash...I believe.

I'm just saying, it would have been funny to see like, a half naked fat man in a parka running across the forum's frozen tundra. That's all.

F8 -

I highly doubt it's the compliments that get people mad in hear. I think it's the condescending attitude towards anyone who DARES criticize anything...

I thought it was a great piece too; I am right along with you.

- Caleb

Wonka -

I do not know who you are, if you look anything like Johnny Depp or if poor TG has really lost it, but you and your psychological problems are not welcome here.

- Caleb

It's me bubba.

If I'm not welcome, then I must've missed the memo, about a thousand posts ago.


Ah, and about criticizing the critic...:

Aye, there's the rub.