Kurukshetra

[dedalus]

Arrows shot from ten thousand bows
Spread like a stain across the sky:

Ten thousand arcs of danger descending,
Waiting, watching, each soldier defending

Lifts his shield with a worried eye:
Will I live or die? Only fortune knows.

Poems, cousins to such lethal darts,
Land, unexpected, in our hearts.

[Minstrel]

This could be shortend, but the nuances are not mine.

Bravo

[twoleftfeet]

Ded,

An entertaining slant on a corny old metaphor:
Gets you right there!
and as for blind fortune ....

"Darts" doesn't sound right to me - could be because I have a mental image of fat blokes throwing them at a board. "Shafts" perhaps?

We poets don't need Arjuna's chariot - we've got the Internet and PG.
In the case of my poems, however, ten dozen hits is more likely than
ten thousand.

Nice one
Geoff

[dedalus]

All right, lads, the image of fat blokes heaving poems at a board made me smile, but when you throw in the 'nuances', ('Whaaa...?) I'd be inclined to ask where do we go from here? Should have stayed in bed, perhaps, well tucked in and spitting at the ceiling ...

Or not, which is what I really think.

I enjoyed the writing of this thing: it's not great, I know, but it presented certain challenges. It's almost there but one can never be sure if a thing works, does the business. Maybe not.

So ...

Apologies - nil.
Second thoughts - zero.
Promises to reconsider & reform - dim and dissolving.
Pig-headedness - 82%
Willingness to listen to good advice - 5 %.
Willingness to listen to bad advice - 15 %.
Sheer stupidity - incalculable.

So it goes. Goodbye, Kurt.

[Minstrel]

Great architectural picture though. Is he looking in a mirror?...I reckon in an ideal world that arrow would come back to pierce him.

[dedalus]

Yes, well, I have another poem on that subject entitled 'the usurper with trepidation views his image in the palace mirror' with a couple of shaky lines which is why you haven't seen it yet .... coming soon, I'm afraid.

[dedalus]

and as for blind fortune ....

Can't argue with that ...out the window!

"Darts" doesn't sound right to me - could be because I have a mental image of fat blokes throwing them at a board. "Shafts" perhaps?

What about "farze"?
Poems, cousins to such lethal farze
Can land, unexpected, in the arze

Or "rectorals"?
Poems, cousins to such lethal rectorals
Can land, unexpected, in the pectorals.

Or "felbows"?
Or ... OK, I'm gone already!

[Bombadil]

Ded,

I like what you're playing with here. Good internal rhymes, a bit of whimsical supposition and lots of fucking arrows. Nice.

Not sure that "ten thousand" should be repeated. Also, the transition for active present to personal present between stanzas 2 and 3 kind of jarred me.

Cheers,

Keith

[dedalus]

Oops, now something serious comes along. Noted, Keith. Taken aboard. Thanks.

[twoleftfeet]

Ded,

With hindsight, I see that my crit reads as if it is taking the mickey. which
was not my intention.

I actually liked "blind fortune" - it hints at randomness while linking
the image of raising a shield with opening an eye, which is instinctively
closed when missiles are flyinag around. But I couldn't help thinking
that you had half an eye on the battle of Hastings and king Harold - hence

Also the arrow fired into the air wrt a poem made me think of the
phrase "casting bread upon the wateres" - hence my reference to the
Internet.

I stand by what I said about "darts", though.

I will try to be more sensible in future
Mr Silly

[David]

I like the rhyming. Not usually your thing, is it?

And I really like the ending. I can see Geoff's problem with darts, but I don't think it's a major problem. Works for me. "Land, unexpected, in our hearts" is beautifully weighted, I think - just right, and a very satisfying closure.

"Kurukshetra" does seem like a very big title for an exquisite small thing like this. Or maybe this is just an exquisite small thing for a title that big. Does it have to be Kurukshetra? I don't see the specificity of it.

Still, good one. Very.

David

[dedalus]

I like the rhyming. Not usually your thing, is it?

Not a bother, I just sling them out when the mood comes over me.

The original title was "Kalidasa" but that seemed to put all the weight on him, a Hindu bloke who wrote sharp and lovely poems many long years ago. I had him in mind but it didn't seem fair, so I shifted attention over to the scene of the mythical, perhaps actual, battle (Kurukshetra).

In the pre-google age the title would have been apt but quietly obscure. In the post-google age I feel as though I am being second-guessed the minute the poem is written, perhaps even BEFORE the poem is written as computer programmes finally learn to make mental hops ... inappropriate concepts, System Error, refer to Site Manager!! Don't you just love Americans? I do, unequivocally, on an individual basis Hey, Michelle, (Sandy, Erin, Janey, Lizzy, Meg and Margaret) how ya doin'? Tell Rupert (the dog) I was asking for him ... my only male nuzzler in New York. Brilliant city.

[oranggunung]

This was an enjoyable read. The rhyme scheme was very elegant.
The first three verses/couplets reminded me of the film 300 (recently released). The imagery was remarkably similar.

I wondered about the last couplet. How closely related are poems with lethal darts? Aren't they more closely related to Cupid's darts?

far cousins of Cupid's darts
distant cousins of such darts
kissing cousins of such darts
kindred of the fletchers' arts

if pig-headedness is only at 82%, there is still room for manoeuvre

og

[twoleftfeet]

DOH! Cupid's darts - of course.
Objection withdrawn your honour.

Stupid Cupid.