Poetry Forum

A short poem. Let me know what you think.

Die the untimely death of my eye
Filtered urban landscapes cascade by
Stark images of poverty laid to waste
Concealed in the depths of this esoteric place
Early morning haze dissolves exposing fabric
Stitched into bare wounds of a dystopian nation
Punctured monotone shapes formed from urban decay
Broken smiles of children out to play
Emotive needs dowsed by city squalor
Forked path of shadow to follow
Disillusioned, Disinfected, Distraught,
Deep seeded Urban Decay

land of bread,

you have chosen a very good topic to write about with so many potential good images to use at your disposal -- however you have used abstractions there is nothing concrete for the reader to grasp onto

for example the abstractions you use :

emotive needs ? - what are they ? is it love ? happiness etc etc ? be more specific

Stark images of poverty ? .....what are they ? - i have an idea ...why dont you paint a picture for us

esoteric place ? - this could be anything ...why dont u describe at least ?

specific concrete example of each, with rich descriptions would dramatcially improve the experience for your readers


as with all critiques this is an opinion ..you can lose it or use it

Arco

Thanks for the advice,

The reason I use abstractions I don’t like telling the reader what to think, I like my shit to be more enigmatic but I suppose this can alienate the reader from any sense of purpose or relevance.
I rewrite it and try to be more descriptive, paint a better picture abd let me know what you think. Think my problem is write for myself and forget the reader.

land of bread,

this is precisely the point - dont tell - show through images

eg

(1) land of bread is pissed off and angry

or

(2) land of bread , punched a hole in the wall , and turned beetroot red and steam slowly emanated from his ears ? ( these are examples only LOL )

which is better for the reader ?

see what I mean : however showing can be hard sometimes and we fall into telling mode... it takes skill

good luck

Arco

Here is my revised poem. Its still contains abstraction and symbolic images but that’s the way I write. I hope this paints a better picture. Any further advice would be appreciated as I have only just started to express my self in writing and I am here to learn. I have just turned twenty and still pretty new to this.

Die the untimely death of my eye
Filtered urban landscapes cascade by
Bleached buildings bite at the stars
Ergonomic mass aging in their cars
Downtown desolation
Idealistic segregation
Stark images of poverty laid to waste
Another human being born with out a face
Concealed in the depths of this esoteric place

The consciousness of a country, white wash
The consciousness of the people, white wash

Dirty marks and stained dreams of another limbless generation
Fucked without sterilized contraception, bubonic insemination
Early morning haze dissolves exposing fabric
Congealed in the gutter of an urbanite sewer
Death to become their only cure

Scatted bodies litter the street
Begging for life


Cardboard men and sexual active manikins
Needle holes show the sins put in
Stitched into bare wounds of a dystopian nation
Pidgins horde over victims of self preservation
Punctured monotone shapes formed from urban decay
Broken smiles of children out to play
Lower cast beings, breed to fit their class
Just another number being accepted for the mass
Emotive needs dowsed by city squalor
Forked path of shadow to follow
Disillusioned, Disinfected, Distraught,
Deep seeded Urban Decay

Land_of_Bread

some nice things going on in here but

STOP! what you are doing right now

I have an idea/experiment for you:

Pretend you are the "Lens of a Motion Camera" - what does the lens do ? - it sees right ? - so sweep up and down the decayed streets and show the objects that are there ok ? - do this first, lets see what the Lens picks up ok ? - you will be amazed - so try this and just write and write ..then see what you have written

now as commentary to scenes you are filming - tell us about you from your Point of view (second or third person if you like ) or perhaps from other people frame of reference that live in that street- ideas, impressions, emotional reactions etc etc ....it has to be your voice rememeber (no cliches from rap bands ok )

use nouns, verbs ( prune adjectives- use sparingly ) - cut the abstractions - also try not to make it too cliched - by this i mean well worn statements that have become so commonplace - they are so tired and boring OK

also be careful with Rhyme - it needs expert care and handling otherwise you risk sounding like a song or even hip -hop /rap ...is this your intention ? no - you want to express yourself with poetry right ?

also you mention you are 20 - why not invest in a Modern Anthology Of Poetry ( go to your librbary check it out ) read, read...then see the different styles of expression ok - or even read Camerons posts of Old English masters on this site - then have a think about it all

welcome to the journey of Poetry - you have only just began , it takes time and energy to learn and apply concepts techniques (im learning everyday too )

remember this is an opinion - lose it or use it

hope this helps

Arco

thanks for advice man, were there any parts you did like and why, Just to see if am on the right track with a few. I know my problems is than to abstract but that’s me, from taste in music, film, cloths, artwork. I am fascinated with the absurd and surreal