My message is clouding now, slipping away
like the half forgotten folklore of diasporas.
Yes, mark me among the perishing,
with only furtive and diminutive whispers.
Word of mouth spreads me thin,
dilutes me, nullifies my efficacy
until I am nothing but fog.
I scoop up my shattered idols in handfuls—
pocketfuls of irrelevant zealotry—
and meander off this dusty pathway
a pine branch broom dragging behind me:
to erase me.
Mist
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oranggunung
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Luscious, liquid lyrics on the dissolution of deities (damn! I did it again).
I enjoyed this all the way up to the last line. At that point, the killer punch was more effete than effective
to erase me
repeats the ´me´directly above it and doesn´t seem to emphasise the finality of the obliterative act. Was that really how you wanted it to end?
Perhaps the narrator is resigned to obscurity at that point, but it just doesn´t seem right to exit with such an introverted whimper.
og
I enjoyed this all the way up to the last line. At that point, the killer punch was more effete than effective
to erase me
repeats the ´me´directly above it and doesn´t seem to emphasise the finality of the obliterative act. Was that really how you wanted it to end?
Perhaps the narrator is resigned to obscurity at that point, but it just doesn´t seem right to exit with such an introverted whimper.
og
Must agree with og here - the last two lines are a bit of a damp squid (I know what I wrote).
and meander off this dusty pathway
time's broom scouring my tracks,
detracing all traces. - Just a suggestion.
Word of mouth could do with something fresher I think, but I don't know what. A flood of stories spreads me thin or something.
That said, I liked the idea and the presentation - How many have slipped away like that - all faiths need good pr men (or strong threats).
Liked it
Barrie
and meander off this dusty pathway
time's broom scouring my tracks,
detracing all traces. - Just a suggestion.
Word of mouth could do with something fresher I think, but I don't know what. A flood of stories spreads me thin or something.
That said, I liked the idea and the presentation - How many have slipped away like that - all faiths need good pr men (or strong threats).
Liked it
Barrie
The problem here for me was the big I. Would have prefered you watching the mist disappear, not being it. That said, an interesting possibility. Also had me thumbing through the dictionary in vain.
Struggled with the image in penultimate line.
That said, a drifty and atmospheric poem.
Cheers
Minst.
Struggled with the image in penultimate line.
That said, a drifty and atmospheric poem.
Cheers
Minst.
I'll echo the post before me, the last two lines I quite like. They seem to emphasize the coming and goingness of the fog. to erase me - While the fog can sometimes be a powerful and unquenchable thing which shrouds all, other times it dissipates quickly and it shown to be a fickle thing. I think this characteristic can be found through most of the poem.
Word of mouth is fairly common, but this makes it stand out more and uses it effectively as a good starting point for the second verse as it grounds the whole stanza.
Vardom
Word of mouth is fairly common, but this makes it stand out more and uses it effectively as a good starting point for the second verse as it grounds the whole stanza.
Vardom
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thoke
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I'm also not keen on the last line, but I like the pine broom image and I think it needs developing a bit. Brooms don't really erase things, so the last line confused me... is it supposed to be erasing your footsteps or something?
Maybe just end with a longer line that expands the broom stuff?
The rest is good.
Ben
Maybe just end with a longer line that expands the broom stuff?
The rest is good.
Ben