Agues

[Bombadil]

There are queer sorts of triggers:
old cold storages with their somnambulant purrs,
silver RAV-4s and lazy river side drives…

That kind of peaceful easy shit still sends shivers
gyring down my spine, alerting hackles,
goose-pimpling short hairs and electrifying testicles
with one nostalgic sigh.

Sweat and thump come next,
as needles hammered through both peephole and pupil,
thick and rife with reminiscent wonderings:
What will she do next? What if we are found out?
The anticipation always surpassed the acts.

Then I try to blink her away with the visions of trysts:
a county road rendezvous where she only held my hand
after days of begging and bad poetry.

Now I try to smear her away with shame and tears,
but like any memory she only grows
on sorrows and deepens through the years.

[Wabznasm]

As,

I like this because it's just a very well written poem about a familiar theme. I'm not blown away by the sentiment or idea behind it, but am simply impressed with the clean, diamond-on-black-border writing in this. It's polished, but doesn't feel strenuously so.

But, just to make myself look like a bit of a twat, one finicky point to begin with. I'm not sure with 'somnambulant'. It's an impressive, stand-out word. But I vividly remember you using it about 3 or 4 months ago in another poem. 'Spring' something I think. It's the kind of word people notice. Still, that's an awfully prim comment, isn't it? If you were to change
it, I think something like 'sibilant' would work well. But then who's to say you haven't used that before? Christ, what a useless comment.

I don't usually approve of the ellipsis, but I think you use it perfectly for the pace here.

shivers
gyring down my spine, - I was going to knock this image, but 'grying' shields it from potential 'cliche' remarks.

Sweat and thump come next,
as needles hammered through both peephole and pupil, - is that a skewing of tense? Shouldn't it be 'came' or, alternatively, 'hammer'?

It's an odd three-leap jump you do with the relationship. First the worry of the beginnings, then the victorious images of meetings, before, what the reader can only assume is, the end of the relationship.

The anticipation always surpassed the acts. struck me as slightly prosaic.

The last two stanzas begin with 'Then I try' and 'Now I try'. Is that deliberate repetition? It's a bit unsteady for me.

A great ending in a bloody fine poem. The penmanship (read: 'keyboardmanship') lifts it above that squalid, dull cauldron of love poems I so often find I relegate writing to.

Dave

[Bombadil]

Prim indeed. I shall have to reconsider the usage of a such a stand out word. Surely they should only be used twice a year at most. Or perhaps I just need to up volume again. What a dilemma.

The tenses were a difficulty. Good spotting. Actually, the entire thing is a look backward, except for the first stanza and part of the second. I suppose I need to make that clearer.

The "I try"s were deliberate.

Thanks for the read and crits. I was beginning to wonder if, well, nevermind.

Cheers,

K.

[camus]

Ah,

Abso, has returned, or perhaps Moose?

All the hallmarks:

Twisted sentences, sexualised tendencies, vulgarity often redeemed, interspersed with some excellent lines:

The opener for one, that makes one want to read more!

Then I try to blink her away with the visions of trysts:

In fact the final 2 stanzas are a suitable come-down from a riotous, if not slightly fractured beginning.

I'd leave out or address "electrifying testicles" and "easy shit" Not for the obvious reasons, they just seem "unnessassarily" vulgar?

Good to have you back.

K

[emuse]

Hi K. A few thoughts. First, the style is complex and unique. The physical aspects reflect the layers beneath the surface allowing the body to tell us what goes on inside.

There are queer sorts of triggers:
old cold storages with their somnambulant purrs,
silver RAV-4s and lazy river side drives…

That kind of peaceful easy(,) [shit] still sends shivers (consider leaving out the modifier and changing it to a colliquialism)
gyring down my spine, alerting hackles,
goose-pimpling short hairs and electrifying testicles
with one nostalgic sigh.

Sweat and thump come next,
as needles hammered through both peephole and pupil,
thick and rife with reminiscent wonderings:
What will she do next? What if we are found out?
The anticipation always surpassed the acts. (I love the way the poem builds through the first three stanzas Especially effective needles hammered through both peephole and pupil.)

Then I try to blink her away with the visions of trysts:
a county road rendezvous where she only held my hand
after days of begging and bad poetry. (Is this supposed to be humorous? I struck me that way.)

Now I try to smear her away with shame and tears,
but like any memory she only grows
on sorrows and deepens through the years.

I think you have such a fine momentum going through the first three stanzas and then it feels the narrator took a short cut and didn’t strive for the same magnitude of expression. Forgive me for saying it but the final stanza feels a bit too sentimental. I think you could keep the tone matched to your previous strophes—maintaining that sharp edge of angst and tension.

e

[Bombadil]

Ah. People. Cool.


Kris,

I'd say returning, but not returned. Things are starting to line up in my head again...


E.,

You always give me so much to think about. Colloquialisms, now. Och. The sentimentality is absolutely deliberate, I think that you might easier forgive me that if had better separated the tenses (as mentioned above to Wabo). Anyway, yeh, fucked up on that part. Must address.

And the begging and bad poetry, while it wasn't funny "haha" at the time, it is certainly laughable now, and thusly intended within this here piece.


Thanks,

K.

[oranggunung]

Keith

A very enjoyable read. A nice title too.


That kind of peaceful easy shit still sends shivers

Are two adjectives necessary here? Is ‘easy’ too easy?


Some playful, if disturbing, imagery:


Electrifying testicles

A ‘shocking’ image – perhaps my fault and not yours.


as needles hammered through both peephole and pupil

reminiscent of zombie movies of the 80s


If both the testicles (now careful how you read this) and the needles went, would the sense change? It might make the journey a little easier for some readers.


thick and rife with reminiscent wonderings:
What will she do next? What if we are found out?

The change in tenses confuses me more and more as I reread this.
Should ‘will’ be ‘would’ and ‘are’ be ‘were’?


The anticipation always surpassed the acts.

An anti-climax.?


Then I try to blink her away with the visions of trysts:

Do you need the ‘the’?


I think the sentimentality of S5 might come as less of a surprise if the harsher images were removed. However, you may well have been looking for that contrast. What do I know?


I like the format and the telling of the story. It’s beautifully written. Like Kris, I’m not sure that the vulgarity is serving any purpose. Despite any reservations, I did enjoy the whole.


og

[Lia]

This is great, Keith.

I also thought the tense was a bit wonky. I think it would work fine if you kept everything in the present tense. This is what I heard..


‘There are queer sorts of triggers:
old cold storages with their somnambulant purrs,
silver RAV-4s and lazy river side drives…

That kind of peaceful easy shit still sends shivers
gyring down my spine, alerting hackles,
goose-pimpling short hairs and electrifying testicles
with one nostalgic sigh.

Sweat and thump comes next,
as needles hammer through both peephole and pupil,
thick and rife with reminiscent wonderings:
What will she do next? What if we are found out? (you could put 'we're')
The anticipation always surpasses the act.

Then I try to blink her away with the visions of trysts:
a county road rendezvous where she only holds my hand
after days of begging and bad poetry.’


I liked the final S, but there was something about the middle line and its movement. Would this work for you?..

‘Now I try to smear her away with shame and tears,
but like any memory she grows only on sorrows
and deepens through the years.’

I agree with the others about ‘peaceful easy shit’. Is it too radical to say ‘That kind of easy still sends shivers’ or ‘That kind of peaceful still sends shivers’ ? just thoughts.

Anyway, great writing.

Lia

[Dagdason]

Keith - From an emotional perspective, if you are going to be raw and gritty, then lay the whole thing out as raw and gritty. Don't try to smear the rough edges down, "keep it real", if that term applies in this circumstance.

I have vision of desert country road rendevous and dust covered individuals drinking beer, kicking dirt and getting nasty. Trying to camoflauge a profound lustful desire with unpolished ideas of romance. Did she hurt that much?

Raw, gritty, works for me. I knew a few of those moments in my life.

I think there is more to tell, it seems unfinished. Is there more to tell?

Bring it on brother.

Dagdason