Poetry Forum

Lay like a severed arm,
thumb absent, ornate
sinew reflecting burgeoned
beams of canopied light:
Slivers of silver, acquiescing
to breeze-blown greens;
Inanimate backwoods beauty
adorned at Sunday speeds.
Pondered over for miles
encased in metal machine music;
wondering where its wife the knife
slept last night, in the pines?
Beneath the jocular, often demons.

Kris

This was a fascinating exploration of a remarkably mundane image. Have you seen the covers of the early Pink Floyd albums? I think there was a fork in the road on one of them (I was right - see the Wikipedia entry for A Nice Pair).

The use of language and its presentation/punctuation conveyed the mental distress of the narrator very well. A couple of nits (or perhaps me being a nitwit).


Lay like a severed arm

This feels too bald. Would an ‘it’ at the beginning be too crass? Or should it be ‘lying’ rather than ‘lay’?


slept last night, in the pines?

If the punctuation was changed so that there was a full stop after ‘night’, it would look as I read it. A matter of taste perhaps.


Beneath the jocular, often demons.

Just when I was congratulating myself on having made it to the last line, I found this. Sorry, but I lost the plot here. Is an often demon like a familiar?

A weird and wonderful journey around a piece of cutlery.


og

Kris - work on the tense, hard as it may be, it does give the flow to the piece.

I would also ask that you critique this yourself, if at all possible, so that you can see it outside of the moment when you wrote it.

Dag

I didn't get this at first... I forgot to read the title. I'm still unsure about the last line.

Anyway, this was very evocative. I don't think the image is mundane. I think a fork can be as pretty as a flower, and people write about those. This fork sounds very pretty, and quite clean considering it's been lying in the road.

I like the lou reed reference, it's a good metaphor for a car. Not so sure about the 'where did you sleep last night' reference, because I can't really see what purpose it serves... unless that's what you're listening to in the car?

Ben

Last line lost me.

The first line is good, I think. Don't change it.

Very clever, Kris.

'Beneath the jocular, often demons.' works fine for me and the different fork symbols that you have in the poem. I saw it as the forked tongues of demons, devils' forks.. that kind of thing..?

I agree with og and the need for a full-stop after 'night'.

I particularly liked..

'Slivers of silver, acquiescing
to breeze-blown greens;'

The language and details are very tightly woven throughout the poem, it's an interesting idea too. In my opinion, this is possibly one of your best short poems.. I liked it that much.

Lia

Thanks guys.

Og,

Lay like a severed arm I did originally include "it" but fancied the line leading on from the title, which then causes tense problems rightly mentioned by Dag!

I'll try and sort that muddle of tenses.

"slept last night, in the pines?"

Not sure about the punctuation, I'll ponder, although it was perhaps thrown in just for references sake as mentioned by Thoke.

"Beneath the jocular, often demons."

Jocular = The narrators pondering over the whereabouts of the forks wife - the knife. Demons = the possible similarities/parallels to his own life.

Thanks Lia, the original idea was a simple play on words, "Fork in the Road" where to turn now? Corny in fact, so I turned it elsewhere.

thanks all very helpful.

Kris

Og

Is an often demon like a familiar?

Interesting comment, one I didn't understand, but then it clicked..I think.

I'm presently reading my son a book called Lord Loss which references the demons sidekicks as familiars!

Is this a well known saying for demonic sidekicks? Or is it just this book?

Interested to hear your answer.

Nevermind I googled it, inevitably wiki came up with the answer...interesting, if you are into demons and the like.

Have you worked through the 'His Dark Materials' trilogy by Phillip Pulman?

More familiars there.

There will be a film this Xmas (The Golden Compass).

Yep I've done the trilogy, superb.

In fact I begrudgingly started reading Northern Lights on a train journey, presuming it wouldn't be my kind of thing, of course I couldn't put it down. Looking forward to the film.

I can't recall familiars - perhaps I'm getting my familiars mixed up with my minions.

Kris the pleasure of this one is not only the play on words and the clever relationships you've culled but the rhythms--it moves you along beautifully with interesting meter and rhyme. One to read aloud.

e

Ah, it's good to be back and find the quality is as high as it ever was. There are some really great lines in here but I liked the gentleness of:

Inanimate backwoods beauty
adorned at Sunday speeds.

But you've lost me with:

encased in metal machine music;

Don't suppose you could help me out?

As an aside I read HDM as a compromise with my ex. I said I'd read that if she stopped insisting I read Harry Potter. I enjoyed them but think The Subtle Knife is the real stand-out book in the trilogy. Didn't know they were making a film though.

Hey F8,

Good to have you back, what have been up to, travelling?

Re "encased in metal machine music;" Is a reference to the 4 sides of dirge and feedback, Lou Reed infamously passed off as an album.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metal_Machine_Music

cheers
Kris

Thanks I'll re-read with that in mind.

I've not been travelling. Just working long hours and finishing my thesis on an evening. Looking to have more time soon to practice some non-scientific/technical writing.

It was good to come back and see so many familiar names on the boards and just working my way through some of the new ones.