Definitely struggled to incorporate your suggestions. OG's punctuation suggestions were sound and I tried my best to incorporate them, but in certain instances "the sense was dramatically changed", so I had to keep one train buffer! I also liked Geoff's suggestion of breaking the poem up, again it was difficult to incorporate, but I hope the ellipses work, ("Use ellipses to indicate confused or worried pauses in speech") Didn't realise that!!! I presumed the pesky ... were used for ommision,or guessing purposes, lol. Anyhow it's pruned and tidied.
NB, should there be caps after using ellipsis?
Revised -
I should have gazed longingly...
Delved deeper after tea:
When settee-sunk, belly-plump,
you’d curl up at yon-end,
annoying my arse
with your twitching toes;
burying for warmth.
I should have engaged...
Grasped the silence,
caressed or crushed
that foal-depth purity
from you, relieving
the load of our silent vow.
But I didn’t...
And so together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now.
Original -
Perhaps
I should have gazed longingly
more often. Delved deeper
after tea: when settee-sunk,
belly-plump and content, you’d
curl up at yon-end, annoy
my arse with your twitching
toes, burying for warmth.
I should have then engaged:
grasped the silence, taken
your fragile skull between
my finger tips, perhaps
caressed or crushed
that foal-depth purity
from you, relieving
the load
of our silent vow.
But I didn’t...and so
together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now.
Perhaps
-
donjuaninhell
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:52 pm
take out the last four lines and the perhaps in the poem and it's brilliant. it leaves more up to the reader, and besides it seems to me to shatter the passion the persona feels and trivializes it all. but maybe that's what you're going for. either way, the point is that the last four lines don't seem to fit in my mind. a wonderful bit:
Delved deeper
after tea: when settee-sunk,
belly-plump and content, you’d
curl up at yon-end, annoy
my arse with your twitching
toes, burying for warmth.
i like the half rhyme of sunk and plump, and toes being buried for warmth.
Delved deeper
after tea: when settee-sunk,
belly-plump and content, you’d
curl up at yon-end, annoy
my arse with your twitching
toes, burying for warmth.
i like the half rhyme of sunk and plump, and toes being buried for warmth.
Kris,
I'm going to have to go the opposite. I think the last 4 lines give the poem a structure. I think the conclusion turns this from a slightly loose description into something much sharper.
I have to admit though that some of the language was losing me -
Delved deeper
grasped the silence
fragile skull
of our silent vow.
Too much in too little. A bit too OTT for me I think - well, at least in that situation.
I should have then engaged: - a bit of a mouthful. It's also very formal.
But together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now. is fantastic.
AN enjoyable read, if a bit verbose at points
Dave
I'm going to have to go the opposite. I think the last 4 lines give the poem a structure. I think the conclusion turns this from a slightly loose description into something much sharper.
I have to admit though that some of the language was losing me -
Delved deeper
grasped the silence
fragile skull
of our silent vow.
Too much in too little. A bit too OTT for me I think - well, at least in that situation.
I should have then engaged: - a bit of a mouthful. It's also very formal.
But together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now. is fantastic.
AN enjoyable read, if a bit verbose at points
Dave
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Kris,
There is obvious affection in this poem but also a bleaker (maybe even dark) edge as implied by "crushed".
The image of "holding down/holding onto" a relationship one daya at a time like a job is an excellent one.
I'm struggling with "foal depth purity" though...
I think the layout would be improved by splitting the poem in two and changing one line to reflect the grammatical
construct of the poem:
Perhaps
I should have gazed longingly ....
Then
I should have engaged: .....
Nice one indeed
Geoff
There is obvious affection in this poem but also a bleaker (maybe even dark) edge as implied by "crushed".
The image of "holding down/holding onto" a relationship one daya at a time like a job is an excellent one.
I'm struggling with "foal depth purity" though...
I think the layout would be improved by splitting the poem in two and changing one line to reflect the grammatical
construct of the poem:
Perhaps
I should have gazed longingly ....
Then
I should have engaged: .....
Nice one indeed
Geoff
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Kris,
I have to ditto the comments made by David as well as the darker edge evidenced by the crush. It shows an aspect of the narrator which is revealing. I try to look at a poem apart from the person as a reader would.
The end lines really brought the poem up to a serious statement about relationships and so became universal for that reason and not just someone's love poem. I hope you'll keep it.
But I didn’t...and so
together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now.
e
I have to ditto the comments made by David as well as the darker edge evidenced by the crush. It shows an aspect of the narrator which is revealing. I try to look at a poem apart from the person as a reader would.
The end lines really brought the poem up to a serious statement about relationships and so became universal for that reason and not just someone's love poem. I hope you'll keep it.
But I didn’t...and so
together we hold down
the job of loving each other,
for today, for now.
e
Yep, I'm with Dave an' all - the last four lines are the clincher. Without them, after a lovely warm opening, it would be quite sinister. Sinister is fine, in its place, but I don't think it's called for here - is it?
Good one Kris.
David
P.S. Interesting article about "Roadrunner" in the Graun yesterday - see it here: http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/laurab ... 79,00.html - and here's sopmething about JR himself: http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/story/ ... 10,00.html
Good one Kris.
David
P.S. Interesting article about "Roadrunner" in the Graun yesterday - see it here: http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/laurab ... 79,00.html - and here's sopmething about JR himself: http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/story/ ... 10,00.html
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Kris
I like the ending (as well as the beginning and the middle). It feels necessary for a complete explanation. The language of the missed opportunities is beautiful, although I wonder if it’s a little too graphic in places.
I’m afraid I don’t like the colons. They remind me of railway buffers, and seem to have the same effect on my reading as they’re supposed to have on runaway trains. Were they an experiment?
more often. Delved deeper
after tea: when settee-sunk,
by repunctuating here, would the sense be dramatically changed?
more often; delved deeper.
After tea, when settee-sunk,
I should have then engaged:
grasped the silence, taken
Like Wab and Geoff, I also had trouble with “then engaged”. I wondered about changing the emphasis slightly, and using ‘could’ instead of ‘should’, as well as getting rid of the colon.
I could have engaged,
grasped the silence, taken
grasped the silence, taken
your fragile skull between
my finger tips, perhaps
caressed or crushed
This is the sinister reference, I presume. The word ‘perhaps’ also appears (a taboo for some, it would seem). How would it be if this were dramatically edited, to
grasped the silence,
caressed or crushed ???
The references are now more general, and leave the imagery to the reader, while the reference to ‘crushed’ is maintained.
that foal-depth purity
This feels like a reference to innocence, but perhaps it’s more to do with external appearance than spiritual state. Had me clutching at straws here.
for today, for now.
I don’t like the repetition. Is this really necessary at all? If one is holding down a job, then isn’t that a day to day process. Do you need to be more specific?
I like this poem. It is presented in a style, and with a voice that I don’t think I’m capable of managing myself, but which I would aspire to. However, in the spirit of criticism, I thought I’d try to tease it apart anyway.
og
I like the ending (as well as the beginning and the middle). It feels necessary for a complete explanation. The language of the missed opportunities is beautiful, although I wonder if it’s a little too graphic in places.
I’m afraid I don’t like the colons. They remind me of railway buffers, and seem to have the same effect on my reading as they’re supposed to have on runaway trains. Were they an experiment?
more often. Delved deeper
after tea: when settee-sunk,
by repunctuating here, would the sense be dramatically changed?
more often; delved deeper.
After tea, when settee-sunk,
I should have then engaged:
grasped the silence, taken
Like Wab and Geoff, I also had trouble with “then engaged”. I wondered about changing the emphasis slightly, and using ‘could’ instead of ‘should’, as well as getting rid of the colon.
I could have engaged,
grasped the silence, taken
grasped the silence, taken
your fragile skull between
my finger tips, perhaps
caressed or crushed
This is the sinister reference, I presume. The word ‘perhaps’ also appears (a taboo for some, it would seem). How would it be if this were dramatically edited, to
grasped the silence,
caressed or crushed ???
The references are now more general, and leave the imagery to the reader, while the reference to ‘crushed’ is maintained.
that foal-depth purity
This feels like a reference to innocence, but perhaps it’s more to do with external appearance than spiritual state. Had me clutching at straws here.
for today, for now.
I don’t like the repetition. Is this really necessary at all? If one is holding down a job, then isn’t that a day to day process. Do you need to be more specific?
I like this poem. It is presented in a style, and with a voice that I don’t think I’m capable of managing myself, but which I would aspire to. However, in the spirit of criticism, I thought I’d try to tease it apart anyway.
og
Kris,
I can’t find criticisms with this other than the punctuation og has already suggested. It’s private and pensive.. well executed too (that really wasn’t any kind of pun!). Terrific writing.. actually, you’ve been writing some particularly good stuff lately.
Lia
I can’t find criticisms with this other than the punctuation og has already suggested. It’s private and pensive.. well executed too (that really wasn’t any kind of pun!). Terrific writing.. actually, you’ve been writing some particularly good stuff lately.
Lia
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Kris
a dramatic revision. I like the sense it gives now and the way it allows the reader to wander down some of the elliptical avenues.
As far as I can discover, ellipses (as you've used them) end a train of thought, and so are followed by a capital letter. However, one should not capitalise after a colon (is there still a typo on L3?).
Given the title of the piece, the ellipses seem to be a good way of examining possibilities. The last one isn't quite working for me at the moment.
But I didn't
appears to be a fully fledged sentence, without need of an ellipsis. If the 'But' disappeared, the ellipsis might add a touch of wist. Just a thought.
og
a dramatic revision. I like the sense it gives now and the way it allows the reader to wander down some of the elliptical avenues.
As far as I can discover, ellipses (as you've used them) end a train of thought, and so are followed by a capital letter. However, one should not capitalise after a colon (is there still a typo on L3?).
Given the title of the piece, the ellipses seem to be a good way of examining possibilities. The last one isn't quite working for me at the moment.
But I didn't
appears to be a fully fledged sentence, without need of an ellipsis. If the 'But' disappeared, the ellipsis might add a touch of wist. Just a thought.
og