the cat in the box

[oranggunung]

redraft

There's a cat in the box,
but we can't see in.
Philosophy mocks,
"There's a cat in the box?"
Yet Schroedinger rocks,
so again, we begin,
there's a cat in the box,
but we can't see in.


As it's such a small piece, I thought even the smallest of changes deserved a redraft.

original

There's a cat in the box,
but we can't see in,
so philosophy mocks,
"There's a cat in the box?"
Yet Schroedinger rocks,
so again, we begin,
there's a cat in the box,
but we can't see in.


Inspired by the recent flurry of highly structured verse, I thought I'd chip in my own triolet.

[Wabznasm]

Nice job Og. It's a fun poem, and I don't think many triolets can be straight faced. The tone is spot on.

I think my only problem is this line:

Yet Schroedinger rocks,

It's a bit too rhyme driven for me. Plus, what do you mean by 'rocks'?

so again, we begin, - I really like this line. The poem is aware of just how awkwardly structured it is. Doesn't take itself seriously.

D'you reckon one of the starting 'So's could be ditched?

Nice one
Dave

[barrie]

I agree with Dave about using so twice. It stands out in a short poem. You haven't used and once.

Yet Schroedinger rocks,
and again, we begin, ............?

I had no trouble with Schroedinger rocks, I took it to mean that the man was in vogue at the time - maybe I'm wrong but it works for me.

You realize that the cat in this box will now be in superposition for eternity because you never looked inside. Maybe you should write another and put the cat out of its misery.


nice one

Barrie

[oranggunung]

Thanks for the comments.

I hadn't realised how obvious the two 'so's were. As Wab suggests, I think I can get away without the first one. That changes the punctuation a little, but it still seems to work.

Yet Schroedinger rocks.

Following discussions with Einstein about complex abstract ideas, Schroedinger came up with a remarkably simple visualisation to help people understand. I thought he would have been admired by many people for making that work more accessible.

I'll let someone else put the cat out (of it's misery).


og

[David]

Nice one og. Light and witty - just the job.

Cheers

David

[donjuaninhell]

i also had trouble with the shroedinger rocks line. wondering if maybe shroedinger balks would fit? or no? i guess it's not necessarily about S. disagreeing with philosophers, but maybe it is. though the philosophers mock, so why not? anyway, light, and i like the repetition of the first two lines, though maybe instead of but you might say and. or maybe but in the first and and in the second. it feels like a physics professor talking, or at least someone trying to explain the paradox. i don't generally like structured poetry, but you make it look easy.

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

Howazabout

There's a Cat in the Box
in hooped hat and socks?

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgur ... n%26sa%3DN

Geoff

[oranggunung]

Geoff

I'm glad you saw the connection


og

[Lia]

A very compact triolet, og. And not a word wasted either. I was curious about Schrodinger's cat, so I went and did some reading. Shame there's no room in the poem to ask if the cat's alive. I hope so!

Much enjoyed,

Lia

[emuse]

Neat as a pin og. The revision though minor, tightened. No nits!

e

[dedalus]

Nice one, og. Tri cheers!
--Brendan

[oranggunung]

Many thanks for your kind words.

I'm going to be absent for several weeks, as I 'pop' off on holiday. Hopefully will acquire inspiration on my travels and return envigorated in late September.


og

[Lubesh]

Nice to see some fun with a 'form' and I liked your choice with 'rocks' made sense.

Made me go all philopshical and toyed with the cat out of the bag .maybe not lol