... and Midori, Kumi, Haru, Natashka, Shoko, Keiko, Kate, Tomoko, Marie and all the other sweet girls who like to play grownup games.
onyx, obsidian
lapis lazuli;
incense, myrrh
and patchouli:
ivory, jade
attar of roses;
light and shade
feminine poses.
I am no fan
of the Taliban:
I confess they do not please me.
Even here in the West
we believe to be best
a woman's lot is never easy.
Dear Dedalus, how dare you!
But even I can scare you
with following footsteps in the night.
I know this is not right.
Upstream the salmon swims to die.
Pigs rarely fly. Men are not fools.
These are things I understand.
Life leaves few traces on the sand
and custom rules.
To Julia, who asked for a poem ...
- J.R.Pearson
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:11 am
Hey ded i really like this poem!! The beginning is my fav....the dedication to girls whoplay grown up games is an instant classic in my book!! I do have a couple of nits tho.
... and Midori, Kumi, Haru, Natashka, Shoko, Keiko, Kate, Tomoko, Marie and all the other sweet girls who like to play grownup games.---------love this!!!
onyx, obsidian
lapis lazuli;
incense, myrrh
patchouli:
ivory, jade
attar of roses;
light and shade
feminine poses.-----this whole strophe is great....feminine poses is a nice connection
I am no fan
of the Taliban:
I confess they do not please me.-------weirdness here tho...seems forced by rhyme
Even here in the West
we believe to be best
a woman's lot is never easy.
Dear Dedalus, how dare you!-------------great interjection
But even I can scare you
with following footsteps in the night.-----funny as hella......this poem has everything!!..stalking,the taliban...
I know this is not right.
Upstream the salmon swims to die.
Pigs rarely fly. The fox is no fool.
These are things I understand.
Our lives are footprints on the sand-----------remake this world-worn phrase....maybe clefts in the sand
and customs rule.------------this is good tho...ties it up nice
I have trouble with full rhymes rights now.....prefer more(as webnazm just brought out) half rhymes or feminine rhymes...which considering the conext may have suited the poem more.
JR
... and Midori, Kumi, Haru, Natashka, Shoko, Keiko, Kate, Tomoko, Marie and all the other sweet girls who like to play grownup games.---------love this!!!
onyx, obsidian
lapis lazuli;
incense, myrrh
patchouli:
ivory, jade
attar of roses;
light and shade
feminine poses.-----this whole strophe is great....feminine poses is a nice connection
I am no fan
of the Taliban:
I confess they do not please me.-------weirdness here tho...seems forced by rhyme
Even here in the West
we believe to be best
a woman's lot is never easy.
Dear Dedalus, how dare you!-------------great interjection
But even I can scare you
with following footsteps in the night.-----funny as hella......this poem has everything!!..stalking,the taliban...
I know this is not right.
Upstream the salmon swims to die.
Pigs rarely fly. The fox is no fool.
These are things I understand.
Our lives are footprints on the sand-----------remake this world-worn phrase....maybe clefts in the sand
and customs rule.------------this is good tho...ties it up nice
I have trouble with full rhymes rights now.....prefer more(as webnazm just brought out) half rhymes or feminine rhymes...which considering the conext may have suited the poem more.
JR
Beyond the blind protozoan maestro & his wand--Ed Pavlic
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
I enjoyed this - the phrase "girls who like to play grown up games" set up the verse to follow wonderfully and seemed to me to have many meanings; serious in relation to Taliban, playful in terms of following footsteps etc and led well into the feminine first verse.
I agree with JR - would be good to replace "footprints in the sand". Thanks for the read.
E
I agree with JR - would be good to replace "footprints in the sand". Thanks for the read.
E