Poetry Forum

... and Midori, Kumi, Haru, Natashka, Shoko, Keiko, Kate, Tomoko, Marie and all the other sweet girls who like to play grownup games.

onyx, obsidian
lapis lazuli;
incense, myrrh
and patchouli:
ivory, jade
attar of roses;
light and shade
feminine poses.

I am no fan
of the Taliban:
I confess they do not please me.
Even here in the West
we believe to be best
a woman's lot is never easy.
Dear Dedalus, how dare you!
But even I can scare you
with following footsteps in the night.
I know this is not right.
Upstream the salmon swims to die.
Pigs rarely fly. Men are not fools.
These are things I understand.
Life leaves few traces on the sand
and custom rules.

Hey ded i really like this poem!! The beginning is my fav....the dedication to girls whoplay grown up games is an instant classic in my book!! I do have a couple of nits tho.



... and Midori, Kumi, Haru, Natashka, Shoko, Keiko, Kate, Tomoko, Marie and all the other sweet girls who like to play grownup games.---------love this!!!

onyx, obsidian
lapis lazuli;
incense, myrrh
patchouli:
ivory, jade
attar of roses;
light and shade
feminine poses.-----this whole strophe is great....feminine poses is a nice connection

I am no fan
of the Taliban:
I confess they do not please me.-------weirdness here tho...seems forced by rhyme
Even here in the West
we believe to be best
a woman's lot is never easy.
Dear Dedalus, how dare you!-------------great interjection
But even I can scare you
with following footsteps in the night.-----funny as hella......this poem has everything!!..stalking,the taliban...
I know this is not right.
Upstream the salmon swims to die.
Pigs rarely fly. The fox is no fool.
These are things I understand.
Our lives are footprints on the sand-----------remake this world-worn phrase....maybe clefts in the sand
and customs rule.------------this is good tho...ties it up nice




I have trouble with full rhymes rights now.....prefer more(as webnazm just brought out) half rhymes or feminine rhymes...which considering the conext may have suited the poem more.




JR

I enjoyed this - the phrase "girls who like to play grown up games" set up the verse to follow wonderfully and seemed to me to have many meanings; serious in relation to Taliban, playful in terms of following footsteps etc and led well into the feminine first verse.

I agree with JR - would be good to replace "footprints in the sand". Thanks for the read.

E

The dedication and the stalking line are a little bit creepy, although I wouldn't say that's a bad thing. This seems like a few different poems tied together, but it does the job.

Ben