Poetry Forum

synergy

The storm heads this way,
dragging its pregnant, swollen belly
over Craggy’s wooden top.

We can feel it.

My hairs stretch skywards,
and spectres of bonfire and drum
flicker on my mind walls.

All oneness,
the cats,
slick furred tigers
screech to the gloomy sky.

The tree’s shiver.
A rain dance
for hermit crows.

Lovers rock lie’s empty and cold.

Its lovers hidden at home,
untangle and find sheets and hot skin
no longer comforting.

Children flee their metal testing grounds
to find little comfort
in the T.V’s babble.
The window tells no lie.

Above on the hill,
Kerouac’s bearded bhikku
pulls up his hood and watches.

And
waits.
And
waits.

The storm shears the silence
With thunderous orgasm.

Its moan of relief
makes me shudder,
makes the children shriek,
makes the T.V. flicker,
once,
twice,
off.

I want to dance,
woad faced and naked.
Spin like a planet and stamp like a bull.

I want to dance,
woad faced and naked,
And feel logic in the raindrops




*wrote this sitting on a hill near my house, watching a storm roll in*

benjy

My hairs stretch skywards,
and spectres of bonfire and drum
flicker on my mind walls.

All oneness,
The cats,
slick furred tigers
screech to the gloomy sky.

The opening although fine wa spoiled by the over used 'swollen and pregnatn when describing the skies etc. You redeemd all that with the above...I thought those were great. The contrasting of nature and less glamorous in the tv and other was greatly carried out.

I'm going to look for more of your stuf.

Agree with Lubesh on "swollen and pregnant"
2 observations:
Spin like a planet and stamp like a bull. Try inverting so "planet" is at the end of the line, I think it would give a near rhyme to naked.
"And feel logic in the raindrop" sounds awful god damn poetic, that may be a problem, sounding poetic.
Fav lines:
All oneness,
The cats,
slick furred tigers
screech to the gloomy sky.
Don't know why.

and
Children flee their metal testing grounds
I got a real charge out of.


And I'm not sure what Kerouac is doing here

Hi

Thirds on the use of "pregnant, swollen", and that the subsequent stanza's are strong. Though I like the idea and the image of the bonfire, I'm not sure 'mind walls' is the best phrasing to express it with.

It feels like it needs to be tidied up a bit. Is 'The [cats...]' meant to be capitalised? Why the comma after '...lovers hidden at home'? Why 'the window tells no lie' if the TV is 'babble'?

I liked the simple strength of -

'Its moan of relief
makes me shudder,
makes the children shriek,
makes the T.V. flicker,
once,
twice,
off.'

I think the repetition and variation of the last two stanzas are fairly interesting; they've got a rhythmical, rolling sound about them. I'm still wondering what you mean by 'logic in the raindrop' and how that relates to the rest of the poem, but it's a nice line.