Poetry Forum

Junction

A scatter-graph of abrupt horns
detaches from banging palms
and bursts into the congestion.

The air’s a fug, wrung with blue like
cheap steel worn on the thin wrists
of women riding mopeds side-saddle.

Only men ride the bicycles, gearless
and heavy, curling in ragged arcs
through rickshaws quaking with two stroke.

In amongst the talkative disorder,
armed policemen (ubiquitous sinecures)
summon order with flapping hands.

Sociologists line the pavements,
scratching with guilty wonder as
freemarketeers unlock fortunes and gold

tumbles
[tab][/tab]across the road –

drivers abandon their cars as
flood drains pop and whizzkids surface
to cut the ungentle balance apart.




My first 'gulp + click' post into Experienced. This isn't finished, but I'm writing in circles now and could do with some input. It's one of a lot of poems I wrote recently in India, most of which are stuck in a, hopefully mendable, broken laptop. It was written before the floods in the UK or India this summer.

I like the use of plosives in V1- I wasn't sure of likening horns to scatter-graphs, but it's growing on me - a matter ot taste.

The air’s a fug, wrung with blue - I misread it as hung with blue - I think it sounds bettter.

In V3, instead of bikes curling in ragged arcs (do bikes 'curl'?) - could you not use shaking to rhyme with quaking in the middle of the final line?

The last two verse seem to be a fair comment on an emerging economic world power - sociologists line the pavements - Good one. I think tumbles across the road would do just as well without the indent - it looks out of place.

whizzkids - Can you not say whizzwallahs? - Would it be unPC?

Nice one

Barrie

Hi Globus.

I don't like "scatter-graph" so much. It's pretty abstract. Why is it a scatter-graph, rather than just a scattering? I mean, I can see how the horns are scattered, scatty, but not how they're a graph. It's a leap too far for me.

The "banging palms" are great, though. You seem to have a bold way with adjectives and usually it pays off.

Maybe "traffic" instead of "congestion"; just seems to fit better.

S2 is a kind of vague I think. I wasn't sure what to make of "wrung with blue" - you mean profanity I guess - but why is that like the women's bracelets? Noting the side-saddle is clever, it starts to establish the place.

If you delete "the" from line 7 you'll have quite a comical definitive statement. I'd say "curving" instead of "curling". I like the "rickshaws quaking with two-stroke".

Lines 10 and 11 are too wordy. Maybe redraft S4 to make three lines about the cops themselves, who could be very funny. I'd get rid of "talkative", which I think is a rather weak adjective, and "ubiquitous sinecures" which is out of keeping with the vitality of the poem.

From then on it's good. "Guilty wonder" is good, the gold tumbling across the road is good (maybe "street" would be more specific to the city than "road"?)

Love the "ungentle balance", the sense of unstoppable change occurring at the end.

Overall you're onto a good thing.

Thanks for the constructive and sympathetic readings.

I think the scatter graph is a stretch too far; I had a synaesthesia kind of view of the beeps hanging in the air in the manner of dots on a scatter graph, but I dont think it's workable.

The blue air was meant to be from the dense pollution, and the link to the bracelets because the colouring reminded me of the blue, oily discolouration you get in cheap metals (and because it further sets the sense of place and detail).

I'll get working!

Globus,

I've got to say I think this is really, really good. The scene is dull but you twist it into such a contortion with your language that I was taken along wholly. Everything here has a sense of urgency and insanity, while the looseness of the structure still gives me a sense of direction. In fact, perhaps that's my biggest crit. This, at times, is a catalogue and your intention gets lost in it. I also think your rubric at the bottom helped you out too much. The flood (if that's what it is) doesn't get the attention it needs to and the purpose of the poem is somewhat lost.

But I don't think a poem needs a narrative or a story. As I've said before, this took me with it because of its details and images. Some fantastic moments:

detaches from banging palms
and bursts into the congestion.

The air’s a fug, wrung with blue like (definitely keep 'wrung')

armed policemen (ubiquitous sinecures)
summon order with flapping hands.

flood drains pop and whizzkids surface
to cut the ungentle balance apart.

Sociologists line the pavements,

All great words in great orders.

I think this comment from KJ (If you delete "the" from line 7 you'll have quite a comical definitive statement) is a fantastic bit of advice.

A few minors:

The breather of the 'tumbles' bit works but I don't think the line break and indentation is needed. One line would suffice.

cheap steel worn on the thin wrists - I don't know why but I don't like that 'the'. It's too much of an introduction and less a piece of description. I think, like the 'ride bicycles' bit, this could survive without the article.

One major:

When writing an impression or a cataloging I always think the writer can come across the same problems over and over again. I have recently and I think you have too. You see, with this sort of listing the syntax requires a hefty amount of articles, common phrases and prepositions. All of your stanzas (apart from two: but one of them has just one word - 'only' - as a buffer) begin with a preposition, an article and a noun. Because of that the poem does feel like a list at times, and the writer can often just appear too deliberate in setting everything up. I can't offer any easy solutions, but I think you could for the future try and make them less direct. As it stands, this is sort of the thing I think I'm reading: an impression - dropped - another - dropped - another, etc. Although it's not a huge problem.

But the major doesn't mean you've failed. I'll ignore regulations for once. This is a very good poem and an exciting inclusion to the forum. I've one more request: make the next more surreal, but keep it grounded. I'd love to see what comes about.

Cheers
Dave

Hi Globus,

I was impressed with the first 4 stanzas that describe a chaotic third world crowd scene (which I'm assuming is of India) but the problem, for me, comes when you try to rationalise what is happening to the country and the scene suddenly becomes surreal with the introduction of sociologists and economists.
"Scatter-graph" makes sense once you have read the poem through, but I was confused initially.
I'm not sure about the ending either - mainly because I don't understand "ungentle balances" - is it something to do
with accountancy or bank accounts?
Has a vehicle crashed, scattering gold all over the road?

My favourite line :
through rickshaws quaking with two stroke.
-do you think the song "Good Vibrations" was written with Lambrettas and Vespas in mind?

Geoff

Thanks for reading.

The 'balance' was meant to be that, despite the apparent chaos, coherence and stability is being unmoored in the dash for cash. I still think it's touch and go whether the surrealish ending hangs on.

There is not meant to be a crash, flood or actual gold - the gold and the sociologists are meant to bridge between the realist description and the more abstract social commentary. The suddenness and shift are intended to refer/imply/detect-the-presence-in-the-room-of the burst of life that happens as the lights turn green.

Dave, spot on about lists - I'm always falling into them, often because I dont have a point and am doing a wordy version of a photograph.

Scatter-graph didn't initially bother me as I was trying to get my footing--trying to figure out what was going on.
I am not saying it is a bad thing to be a bit confused in the beginning of a poem. Being off kilter can actually jar the senses so that you are caught up in the sensation of the piece. It wasn't until I got to 'rickshaws' that I understood where I was 'standing'.

I am still a little unclear on the expression, "The air's a fug." The vernacular here is fug means 'f-cking ugly'. But the word picture of 'wrung with blue' didn't match up. So I am guessing that fug means something else.

Sociologists line the pavements,
scratching with guilty wonder as

I think you could leave out this verse as it seems totally out of place. It brings to mind a caricature of wild haired Einsteins mugging at the poor and ragged. My suggestion is to go straight from "flapping hands" to "drivers abandon their cars."
Nice image of the women riding sidesaddle in mopeds. Old meets new and all that.

Nice one,
Kimberly