Poetry Forum

V2

The line looks true -
can we be sure?
Consider geocurvature.
It’s queer to think we’re on a sphere
and what seems straight
from here to here
is bent.
Just one of life’s illusions
sent by some deceitful god
who meant
to drive
some human to invent
a crafty curved geometry -
which ironed out the twisted myth
of rectilinearity.
---------------------------

V1

The line looks true -
can we be sure?
Consider geocurvature.
It’s queer to think we’re on a sphere
and what seems straight
from here to here
is bent.
Arced illusions sent
by god eventually led us
to invent
a crafty curved geometry,
which irons out the twisted myth
of rectilinearity.

Ogden Nash meets Adam Hart-Davies going off at a tangent, methinks.

I'm not sure about "arced illusions" - are these rainbows, perhaps?

Apart from that - brilliant

Geoff

The line looks true -
can we be sure?
Consider geocurvature.
It’s queer to think we’re on a sphere
and what seems straight
from here to here
is bent.
Arced illusions sent
by god eventually led us
to invent
a crafty curved geometry,
which irons out the twisted myth
of rectilinearity.

This is good fun. Makes me think of Roald Dahl, with its playfully rolling rythmn. I like the use of "true" in L1 - punning on the senses of straight and accurate. I can certainly see the comparison to Adam Hart Davies as well - those first 3 lines definitely have the air of a kindly and eccentric professor. "is bent." provides a lovely jolting stop, after the smooth flow of the previous 3 lines. I would echo Geoff in saying that "arced illusions" doesnt quite work. Its an attractive way of referring to rainbows, but since the language up to this point has been almost entirely matter of fact, or scientific, it seems a little odd. On the other hand, the stop after "bent" is so final, that this can almost be considered a 2nd stanza, in which you introduce more complex and abstract concepts ("god", "myth"), so perhaps thats alright. Interesting that you suggest that the "arced illusions" really were sent by god, rather than merely believed to be - it puts rather a different spin on "crafty", suggesting almost that we have deliberately looked for a way to get around god, purely because it wasnt a neat enough concept ("twisted"). "Irons out" would seem to add to this; certainly I see it as quite a forceful phrase.

I love this; it is great fun but also very smart, and a class above loads of writing inspired by science the Arts Council try and fund into life.

Arced doesnt read badly to me. I suppose you could use 'arch' for a more explicit gag? You write god with a small g, so I'm reading the 'sent by' as ironic/historical. I keep stumbling over 'eventually' on the next line, though the rhythmic change resolves by the end.

The [half] rhymes firing off all over the place and the onomatopoeia of some of the syllables give it a real sense of life and coherence.

Tip top.

Great stuff Barrie, I am not sure how you want it read. First reading I took a literal view on it, but I also saw a sub context that might not be intended. The way things influence one another, from an epistemological point of view I mean - just gradations of lots of things opposed everything being in it's place, allbeit like I say I am not sure you were trying to make an ontological point but I thought the writing was great the rhyming used in a witty way, very enjoyable.

Reason why i say that is the title is "Getting Things Straight" and you say:

The line looks true -
can we be sure?

"Consider geocurvature" - as an example.

What is the line?, I did not take it to mean the horizon. Ha!, But then what's an horizon metaphorically speaking, too.

Intriguing - but perhaps I am reading to much in to it.

Cheers

BL
x

A bit of scattered thoughts that don't add up to much:

"there is no such thing as straight" is perhaps too strong of a conclusion for this poem, but it is an interesting one. I too, like BL, thought you were talking about the horizon line. And I had to look up "rectilinearity." And what does "queer" mean across the pond? Here it can be used to mean "homosexual," I don't know if that is what was intended. Still, the in-line rhyme is too good to pass up. Anyhow, on another note I thought you'd make a leap at some point from the spherical earth to the (hypothetically) ever-expanding universe. The earth, or the Milky Way anyhow, could just be one spech on an even larger "curved surface" of sorts. I don't know, just food for thought. The poem got me thinking, that makes it good in my book.

- Caleb

I think the first seven lines are far better than the last six. If you read it again, do you see what I mean?

I'd love to see this with a reworked second half. It's half a really good poem, at the moment (imho etc.)

Cheers

David

Thanks Geoff - ‘Arced illusions’ are meant to be all ‘straight’ lines. Everything follows the curvature of the earth and just appears straight. There’s also the curvature of space, but that’s another story. I read something decades ago by some Greek geomatrician (name evades me), who said that there was no such thing as a straight line - It had me thinking for ages.

Thanks again Tom for a detailed analysis - ‘Arced illusions’ will have to go - I can see how it can be misunderstood to mean rainbows. The god thing is interesting - I had in mind an evil/mischievous god - a kind of Loki. Maybe I should clarify that, or maybe I should just let people make their own judgement on that one.

Thanks Globus - ‘eventually’ was a later addition. I had wondered about it and from what you say I think I’ll replace it - In fact, taking all comments into consideration, the second half needs a bit of an overhaul.

Thanks BL - Things are never what they seem, are they? You can’t even trust a spirit level - How can a globe have straight lines? If you draw a triangle on the surface of a sphere - It’s angles add up to more than 180 degrees. Depends on the radius of the sphere - If the sphere’s hollow and the triangle is drawn on the inside, then the angles addd up to less than 180 degrees. Fascinating stuff (what do you mean, no?)

Thanks Caleb - re ‘queer’ - Yes, it is used to refer to homosexuals, as does ‘gay’ and a few other words. I just get a bit fed up of good words being hijacked and their usage subsequently avoided . So I’ve used ‘queer’ in it’s original sense.
I’ve had a few conversations about the demise of English dialects which are dying out at at quite an alarming rate, and making words taboo is adding to the problem. When I moved up to Cumbria in the late seventies, ‘gay’ was a widely used word with a variety of meanings. A ‘bit of a character’ could be described as ‘ a gay bugger’, bad weather - ‘gay bloody weather’, ‘very’ was substituted with ‘gay’ - gay cold, gay warm etc. Needless to say it’s never heard any more.

Glad it got you thinking.

Thanks David - I’ll have a look again at the last bit, see what I can come up with.

Cheers all - much appreciated - Barrie


I’ve had a bit of a mess around with it - Does it read any better?

It's better IMHO , but "mischievous" sounds a bit choppy - howzabout "dissembling", or is that too archaic?

I never did like straight lines - always preferred arcs...

Noah

I don't like dissembling much (sounds like a dodgy scrap car firm), but I see what you mean about mischievous, it all depends where you put the stress. I'll use deceitful instead. Thanks for the prod.

Barrie

Let's be radical - how about just stopping at "is bent"? I think that says everything, and the rhythm up to that point is great.

Let's be radical - how about just stopping at "is bent"?

- Radical? That's extreme savagery. I would never go to extremes - I would chew my own head off rather than go to extremes.

Audio, video, disco

cheers -
Caligula.

Barrie

It’s a times like this, when I read such beautifully crafted and witty contributions, that I wonder if I should ever bother to let my own trivial musings out into the world. This reminds me of an Escher drawing; exquisitely structured and elegantly drawn to boot.

I think V2 improves on V1, and can’t bring myself to pick at anything at all.

Wonderful


og