Poetry Forum

Yes I shall.
Once of a pair,
you tumbled away,
lost yourself
purposely.
It came out
In the wash
you’re much
darker than
presumed,
a loner, a
mismatched
heretic of the
sole.

When I am done chuckling I will post a crit.
You're too funny!

Kim

I like this one but then again it has been a while since i have commented or attempted to write any poetry, However from memory i always did enjoy some of your poems Camus .

you drifted away,
lost yourself
purposely

Liked that bit sort of lonely feeling when reading it.

a loner, a
mismatched
heretic of the
sole.

Then of course the humor another nice piece i enjoyed.

Thanks Tom.

But thy eternal cotton shall not shrink

I'm getting mixed messages from this. It's humourous, but also quite strangulated. I like that mix.

The one moment where I didn't think this worked was in the line Once of a pair,... So you're referring to the couple together? That doesn't feel right, especially considering you're addressing a 'thee' and 'you' quickly follows. Could you somehow make pair directly associated with the 'you'? 'Once balanced and psychologically paired', ' Once paired to me', etc.

Could you drifted away, be something else? A bit of a cliche at the mo. 'you lost yourself in your cupboard', 'you burnt under the iron', etc.

Haha, I like conceits like this. You could just go on forever.

Dave

Thanks guys.

Hey Tom, nice to see around, hope alls well?

Wab:

So you're referring to the couple together?

Well, I'm comparing "her" to a sock, so there is no couple involved as such. Working on the premise that "thee" as an archaism is singular.

I'm kinda with you on the "drifted away" I'll ponder a change, but the essence is that socks tend to dissapear quite randomly once paired in a washing machine, that was the overall intention, hence the pun:

"It came out
In the wash"

I've a feeling you've not done much sock washing?

cheers
Kris

Oh what a pleasure to read!

Now I know the secret, why I have all these mismatched pairs in my dresser drawers that I can't throw away....

e

Hi Camus all is well thanks hope to get chance to comment on some poems on here and try and do one myself.

I liked it Camus. I thought you could do with a different first line coz it goes without saying and doesn't add anything as it is. You do need a line there to keep the 14-line "sonnet" length, which I assume is part of the spoof?

Stuart

It's an old sock, but it's good.

Wouldn't change a thing.

I needed a laugh. Had me head stuck up Poe's arse all day. Thanks.

In the wash
you’re much
darker than
presumed,
a loner, a
mismatched
heretic of the
sole.

I think this part might benefit from a few full stops. ...than presumed. A loner. A mismatched...


Cheers,

K.

Absolon's Sword wrote:I needed a laugh. Had me head stuck up Poe's arse all day. Thanks.

In the wash
you’re much
darker than
presumed,
a loner, a
mismatched
heretic of the
sole.

I think this part might benefit from a few full stops. ...than presumed. A loner. A mismatched...


Cheers,

K.

Hmmmm I disagree. I like the flow of the line without stopping.

It's quite strange. I laughed when I read the title, and expected a Monty Python type Shakespeare parody. Instead, I found something that whilst being quite humorous, was very touching.

Gareth