Republic - first draft; any comments? I promise to crit too!

[ccvulture]

Republic

Another night of smoke
and speed in Republic,
selling sweet white wine
to drunk brothers
with a saccharine smile,
a silent roll of the eyes.

Her involuntary hip-swaying
to the massive beat
encourages the boys,
their ecstasy eyes throbbing
like speakers, their mouths
chewing imaginary nipples.

House is the music
of the Salzburg night.
The harmony’s huge pipes
rush across the bass
like the main stream of the Salzach
hurtling over its rocks.

Her soul finds kinship
with the angel’s voice floating
from the soundsystem:
she opens her wings
and soars, but not into the rafters
of Republic; instead,

into the gorges of the Hochkonig
south of the city,
high into alpine land,
away from the brazenness of bohos,
the destroying eyes
of the disco lights.

Annalie Travelli watches the brothers;
remembers stamping their hands
in ultraviolet earlier,
while they stared at
her haunches and grinned,
the tourists’ grin. She…

She swishes a dark red towel
across the ponds of lager
on the neon counter and it reminds her
of a chunk of beef brandished against the sky,
and of a falcon’s wings
set against a backdrop of silver mountains.

[David]

Republic

Another night of smoke
and speed in Republic,
selling sweet white wine
to drunk brothers
with a saccharine smile,
a silent roll of the eyes.

Her involuntary hip-swaying
to the massive beat
encourages the boys,
their ecstasy eyes throbbing
like speakers, their mouths
chewing imaginary nipples.

House is the music
of the Salzburg night.
The harmony’s huge pipes
rush across the bass
like the main stream of the Salzach
hurtling over its rocks.

Her soul finds kinship
with the angel’s voice floating
from the soundsystem:
she opens her wings
and soars, but not into the rafters
of Republic; instead,

into the gorges of the Hochkonig
south of the city, high into alpine land,
away from the brazenness of bohos,
the destroying eyes
of the disco lights.

Annalie Travelli watches the brothers;
remembers stamping their hands
in ultraviolet earlier,
while they stared at
her haunches and grinned,
the tourists’ grin. She…

She swishes a dark red towel
across the ponds of lager
on the neon counter and it reminds her
of a chunk of beef brandished against the sky,
and of a falcon’s wings
set against a backdrop of silver mountains.

Stu, I've never done this before, so please tell me if it annoys the hell out of you, but I'm going to apply a simple colour-coding to your poem (which I like a lot) - green are the bits I especially like, and red the bits that I think would benefit from a rethink. See what you think.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

Ccv,

I'm largely in agreement with David over the lines that could maybe use a re-think, particularly
"brazeness of bohos" and
"throbbing like speakers" and
"destroying eyes" (perhaps you could do something with lasers?)

Also I'm having trouble with:
The harmony’s huge pipes
rush across the bass
like the main stream of the Salzach
- it seems to me you are describing a fugue ("flight") and, in a way, it works really well because I can see what
you're getting at, but you have the "huge pipes" doing the "rush"ing instead of the "melody". (Sorry if I'm not
making myself clear)

Finally
a chunk of beef brandished against the sky
- you're losing me here I'm afraid - I'm getting images of an Atkins Diet Convention

I think with a little tweaking this could be a good poem - it certainly has lots of atmosphere.

Geoff

[beautifulloser]

Hi CCV

Seems from David and Geoff you have some quality crits already, which I do not think I can add to. I just wanted to say how much I agree with Geoff, this poem has bags of atmosphere. I was getting a 19th Century Russian feel to this originally over S1 and S2, the language reminded me very much of a transalation of Crime and Punishment I have got which really engaged me.

Look forward to seeing a redraft and I'll try to be more constructive, but this was a big positive in this first draft and would be a shame to lose it.

Cheers

BL
x

[Globus]

Havent got anything wise to say, but thank you for posting this.

I've seen very little good poetry about clubs and I enjoyed this a great deal (partly as I have spent a long time in Sheffield and her clubs...). Do post any updates.