Poetry Forum

V2

In distant, blistered ports,
beggars do not lounge
toting torn, paper cups -
crippled maniacs
with weathered sticks
and withered limbs,
shout and smile,
and sing
in celebration
of the new life
benevolence will bring.

Those energetic prospectors
claimed my common cents,
but after the encounter
I built a fortified defence.

Now I’m equipped
to withstand
any frail, open hand
hovering,
hopefully
near me,
and completely unfazed
by an indigent gaze
and a weak little smile,
to endear me.

I’m no longer beguiled
by a dishevelled child,
or a busker singing
Wild Rover.

So, let me stop you there.

Then, you won’t waste your time
with some flowery lines
relating how fate
took you over.


V1

I’ve learned how
to withstand
a frail, open hand,
and an indigent gaze
intended to blaze
a compassionate path
to the wallet.
No longer beguiled
by a dishevelled child,
I won’t swallow a line
about cruel and malign
happenstances.

Have I frozen my soul
with this whole rigmarole?
Or simply retained common cents?

Og,

Very droll.

This is just an opinion, but - since it almost rhymes throughout - I would be tempted to go the whole hog
and also (maybe) add lines to the final stanza. Others are bound to disagree.

Geoff

Ah, advisory in poetrite form - don't allow wretched beggaries any free tugs on the hearty stringers which could cause serial looseners of the persy stringers or opening up of the wally.

and a heart-rending glance
calculated to lance
a compassionate path - Instead of calculated, which sounds a bit choppy in here, could you use intended

and a heart-rending glance
intended to lance
a compassionate path

i'm not sure whether or not I agree with Geoff about the rhyme - I think it's fine as it is.

Nice one

Barrie

no change in Arabic is Anglicized as something like feesh fouka, which sounds like a profound insult when you say it fast.

Good punnage

(welcome back by the way, where've you been?)

This is formally impressive. I like the subtle music of it throughout.

I think 'a trembling hand' is cliched, but apart from that the writing here is pretty fresh.

The subject isn't my cup of tea (emotions of the author that I can't quite associate with), and I think something could be done about the conclusion. The thing is, I don't like it when poets ask questions like that. I think it defeats the point of poetry. YOu are totally in control of this, why don't you take a chance and do what you want? Just answer the questions you ask, make a statement by yourself. Poetry that relies on confusion and questions is, for me, just too vulnerable and static. It doesn't seem to move anywhere.

But the nice pun at the end does, mostly, give some sort of solid conclusion that I like.

Dave

Thank you for the comments.

Geoff - I have been doing my best to step away from strict metre. It has proved a bit of a wrench,
so I'm reluctant to fit this back into such a system.

Barrie - I understand what you mean about calculated, and have replaced it

Wab - I don't recall 'trembling hand' being cliched, but perhaps I don't read widely enough.
I've experimented with 'frail, open hand', in the hope that it isn't cliched.

Asking questions: this is something I'm still doing. I don't have an answer to this one,
so it's honest, at least.

In my absence from the forum, I've been travelling in Indonesia and Australia. A little Antipodean expedition. I was hoping to draw a little inspiration from my journey, but don't really like most of the notes I've made. Perhaps PG will spur me into action.

og

Wow, sounds good.

Re: trembling hand.

It's not necessarily cliched, but 'trembling' is such a sickly, dark and gothic word to use. It's too appropriate. Know what I mean?

The re-work is much better
Dave

Glad you like it.

I think I understand the associations with 'trembling', and am happy to sidestep them.


og

"(emotions of the author that I can't quite associate with)"

Soz Wab, but I can "Totally" associate with them.

Expounding/relenting guilt is the name of the game here, at least that's how I read it.

I would say the reference to the "dishevelled child" would place the poem somewhere other than the common-place. Perhaps a third world place?

It works, although not sure about the last three lines ? Why the line break? It's a classic case of closure, perhaps not working, or perhaps not even required?

Maybe integrate them in a more subtle way?

cheers
Kris

Thanks Kris

that's food for thought.

The line break was rather arbitrary, a formatting consideration rather than a reading (or writing) one.

It's a classic case of closure, perhaps not working, or perhaps not even required?

Having written 'S1', I thought it required something further. I chickened out of a more serious social commentary by becoming flippant. I find the issue rather difficult, and wouldn't presume to give an answer.

Do you think the dilemma of the N is unnecessary, or just heavy-handed?

Looking at it again I can see numerous possible endings, but they all require something more than the first 12 lines.

og

Another point of view, just to be sure you get a full range of perspectives and no consistency whatsoever!

I wasn't persuaded by the strength of the rhyming - it's a slight poem and I dont think it has the space for such strong rhymes; they clang too loudly.

The first four lines are poigiant and effective, though I think 'heart-rending' is too easy a choice and cliched. 'Lance' is the first of the powerful rhymes and out of keeping with the more reflective tone you've suceeded in establishing. I'm not sure you can 'lance' a 'path' either.

The 'common cents' pun is canny wordplay, but by the time I got there, the springy rhythm and phrasing had lost the sense of tragedy, the weirdness of getting familiarised to extreme poverty and the uncomfortable self knowledge about one's cynical responses to it. Dont fear your subject - its not an unneccessary dilema and one you can usefully treat poetically, but flippancy wont carry it off

I agree with Kris that you can ditch the line break (or expand it across two full stanzas). Without S2 at all, it becomes a cold and honest depiction, and striking (regardless of whether that's your personal resolution), but the strength of the subject is the questioning and unease of it.

Hey Oggy

Yet another point of view I am afraid.

The title struck me as being a bit contradictory, was that intentional? It seems things had changed, especially over these lines:

"No longer beguiled
by a dishevelled child,
I won’t swallow a line
about cruel and malign
happenstances."

Unlike Wab, I thought the ending was cute but it did not add much to a clonclusion - I must be missing something in the meaning but after 4 reads I think I have the core of what you are getting at. Concuding with a question is not a conclusion, is it? Maybe it is. I think there is a voice and a statement being made clear as bell to me along the lines of "we have our lives to lead, which needs limited money and I will judge for myself what I see in the world, and wont be fooled" (by the media and such like I assumed), which being in Indonesia I can imagine brings some of this bad shit home somewhat) or a sentiment like that (sorry Og, that is very crude paraphrasing but for the purpose of illustrating the point I hope you don't mind too much!. . . .)

Perhaps I am missing the point, if not, I'd say chop the last lines alltogether, or might I even suggest just simply:

retaining common cents - if you like the pun and want to keep it in.

The lines preceeding this seem to go against the grain of what is a solid statement being made Og.

"Have I frozen my soul
with this whole rigmarole?" - I dont think so . . . .

There's my fifity cents for what it's worth.

BL
x

Thanks Globus and BL

heart-rending
Well, yes, it was rather easy. I’m rather attached to the rhythm of the piece, so I’ll just avoid the cliché with an alternative.

The title struck me as being a bit contradictory, was that intentional?

The title is ambiguous, and now that I reconsider, perhaps this was a comment on my perception of Dublin on my return from the third world. At the risk of making my poem seem all the more inadequate, I may have been comparing the hardships of the beggars in Western Europe and the third world. Having hardened my heart to the third world beggars, the Dublin beggars were a piece of cake. The trouble is, I don’t admire myself for having done that.

Ending on a question. I know many people don’t like this, but if I don’t have an answer it’s not possible to end with one. If it causes so much irritation to readers, it’s clearly something that needs to be addressed.

I wonder if I should start from scratch again, and consider a contrast between the two locations. This is most perplexing. The posted poem is looking ever more incomplete.

og

Og,

I didn't get the sense of 2 locations, unfortunately - this is because I've seen female beggars on the Underground
using children and babies for emotional "leverage"

Similarly - I took "trembling" hand to imply an alcoholic with the shakes

Geoff

Good read - like the punning, rhythm and the rhymes.

Strangely, when scanning it first couple of times I read indigent as indignant and on reflection is it maybe the indignant look some have that causes us to walk on by? Just a thought.

Having read your replies, I feel that there should be resolution rather than ending with the question e.g. bringing in the specific comparison of "real" poverty making you immune to Western European poverty and how that makes you feel - or am I getting too heavy?

Elphin

Okay, I've taken the plunge - tried to make the piece more personal.

Hopefully it resolves in a satisfactory manner, even if it comes over as rather more hard-hearted.

The only problem now might be that the introduction looks cack-handedly tacked on.


og