Poetry Forum

When the sun comes up
as darkness leaves the stars,
drunks rattle bottles
stacked around the backs of bars,
then seek out sleep in the rear seats of cars.

That’s when they slip down from the moon.

When the night comes up
as sunlight leaves the clouds,
they drift in darkness,
creep along like shadowed shrouds,
to hunt down those who choose to leave the crowds.

That’s why they slip down from the moon.

Then they sneak back up
cut joints all neatly tied,
with swollen huntsacks,
back again through clouds they glide,
to feast on drunksflesh, roasted, stewed or fried.

The moon glows white with bones, time dried.

So, come on, who are they that sneak down from the moon?

I WILL frighten my daughters with this concept.

Nice one Barrie.

So, come on, who are they that sneak down from the moon?

The Lunar.

cheers Dave

N. Armstrong.

An intriguing poem.
There seems to be some kind of metamorphosis thang going on between boozers, booze, bottles and bones....

Th opening lines are a great hook:
When the sun comes up
as darkness leaves the stars,
- then they are inverted ins a kind of photographic negative:
When the night comes up
as sunlight leaves the clouds,

That’s when they slip down from the moon.
As Dave points out, the identity of THEY is the big enigma (maybe your reply - "The Lunar" - would make a better title
or perhaps capitalize THEY?)
At this point I was thinking "they" are the drunks themselves, but then
to hunt down those who choose to leave the crowds.
would not make sense.

The only quiblette I have is
then seek out sleep in the rear seats of cars. - loses the rhythm you have established.
-my first thought was why not "the backs of cars"? - but of course the previous line has "backs of bars"......
"clapped-out cars" perhaps?

Quirky and dark and featureable (is that a word?)

Lou Garou

Barrie

I don't care who they are - I can see them. Have you read Cold Skin by Albert Sanchez Pinol ? That's who they are to me.

This has your usual excellence in structure and great sonics however there is something niggling at me which may just mean I've missed something.

barrie wrote:When the night comes up
as sunlight leaves the clouds

In this you are saying (I think) that sunlight leaves behind the clouds and hence darkness remains but I could almost read it as sunlight coming out (leaving) from behind the clouds and then it wouldn't be night. Also does night come up or down?

barrie wrote:When the sun comes up
as darkness leaves the stars

Again when the sun comes up does darkness not leave with the stars.

Then you have a superb and creepy finish.

barrie wrote:Then they sneak back up
cut joints all neatly tied,
with swollen huntsacks,
back again through clouds they glide,
to feast on drunksflesh, roasted, stewed or fried.

The moon glows white with bones, time dried

The whiteness of the moon being dried bones is my favourite line

I hope my niggle is misplaced

Elphin

Hi Barrie,

It's good. It feels quite intense - and I don't know if you could consider adding in some suspense? But I do like it.

I agree with Elphin - I don't think it matters who they are in this kind of poem - it's the age old bogeyman idea, but nicely updated.

then seek out sleep I like this line - in my head I keep misreading it to - then sleek out sleep - but that kind of works too!

I guess my main thought would be with the second stanza - which I feel should have suspense, and doesn't - perhaps if the lines were shorter and choppier?
When the night comes up
as sunlight leaves the clouds...
they drift...
in darkness.
Creep
along like shadowed shrouds,
to hunt
those who choose to leave the crowds...

But it's your poem - you may feel there is a better way to add suspense - or you may not want it at all...

The last paragraph is good - the matter of fact tone gives added horror to the mental scene.

Imaginative.

Really good form Barrie. Some lovely lines.

In fact, it was all perfect for me until the second last stanza. What was orginally unsettling, mysterious and as dark as the night, became a little too nursery rhyme and Tim Burton.

Then they sneak back up
cut joints all neatly tied,
with swollen huntsacks,
back again through clouds they glide,
to feast on drunksflesh, roasted, stewed or fried.

I mean, the writing is great, but it really doesn't hold any punches. And I felt this lost the intrigue. I know not everything has to be a metaphor and whatnot, since that terse academic rubric would just produce boring as shite poetry, but this was such a perfect thing to turn into something else. It lost that here.

Saying that, killer last line. And, haha, I think you are well aware of that! Brilliantly polished.

Dave

Thanks Geoff - How about italicizing they - Would that make any difference. I know what you and Dave mean - that's why I had them slipping down from the moon on a seperate line instead of at the end of the verse.
Ah, the rhythmn of the last line - I thought sounded OK coming before the they lines. All the last lines of the verses are ten syllables.

Cheers Elph -

When the night comes up
as sunlight leaves the clouds -

When the sun comes up
as darkness leaves the stars - Just trying to find an original way of saying day and night arrived that fitted into the mood I had in mind. That bloody Homer bloke had pinched Rosy-fingered Dawn. Just me using non-scientific logic, I could say that that's how the Lunar explain it, but no-one would believe me.

Again when the sun comes up does darkness not leave with the stars.

- Aha! The stars don't leave - only the darkness.

Thanks Lexi - The poem was written tongue-in-cheek, the first four lines just came to me and I needed some ideas to finish it - I read David's Stange Town on here which gave me the idea. I decided to use a 'strict' form, lines of 5, 6, 5, 7 and 10 syllables with a rhyme scheme. I didn't realize that it wouldn't necessarily be read tongue-in-cheek, as was my intention. From the replies I've had about it, a few fresh ideas have definitely taken root.

Thanks Dave - I think what I said to Lexi will cover the points that you raised as well. Like I said, I have picked up on some of the things pointed out that will prove usefull in the future. Now all I need is an idea for a really strange one....
I liked the last line as well.

Thanks again all -

Barrie

Oo-er. I'm with minst - I'd like to hear you read this to my son and his friends, on Halloween, with a torch shining up under your chin. Ideally in a darkened cellar.

Going out on a limb a bit here - or against the tide, if you like, I have a whole store of cliches - but ... I can see the last line is quite groovy, but I think it would be more effective to finish with the same refrain. Refrains - that's what makes a ballad. (Although I've just spotted your why / when variation, which makes it more problematic.)

Good spooky stuff, though.

Cheers

David

Masterly!

Never mind our own children.You've brought back all of those sleepless nights I had as a cherub, sitting upright in bed, clinging to an illuminated rubber form that was my gruesome Popeye nightlight (I think my parents had it in for me even then).

I'll be checking under the bed tonight and sleeping with a sharp item of gardening equipment under the duvet, just in case...

Please make them go away.

Thanks David, Oskar - Maybe I should have called it Lunareen - it's getting close to that time of year.

Don't turn the lights off.

Arachno