Poetry Forum

Edited version - Trees

As winter comes,
the trees stand tall,
holding onto their golden crowns -
rustling protests against the breeze.
Tissue-paper jewels radiate
glimmers of conceited brilliance,
waving sadly to
the departing season,
and taunting the shivering mammals
who could never hope to realise
the elegant dignity
bestowed on the trees
by the subservience of those below.
No amount of metal or fur
can catch the same perfect glint
of autumn sunlight,
in the way those trees shimmer
their goodbyes.

We subjects are nourished
by the glamour
and artistic beauty
of their position,
viewed from below, from afar,
decorating our lives:
nature’s celebrities -
always slim on their diet
of water.

And when their glory
has finally been wasted,
their valuables spent
and the bitter winter
has hardened their world -
the trees do not mourn,
paralysed by tears of rain
dripping steadily down their trunks -
instead, they are working, nurturing
the life which will
decorate next summer,
and growing the currency
of next autumn’s harvest.

Original - Trees

As winter comes,
the trees stand tall,
holding onto their golden crowns
for dear life.
The glittering jewels
are waved in the wind,
calling to the departing season -
yet taunting the shivering mammals
who could never hope to attain
the elegant dignity
bestowed on the trees
by the subservience of those below.
No amount of metal or fur
can catch the same perfect glint
of autumn sunlight,
in the way those trees shimmer
their goodbyes.

We subjects are nourished
by the glamour
and artistic beauty
of their position,
viewed from below, from afar,
decorating our lives,
nature’s celebrities -
always slim on their diet
of water.

And when their glory has faded,
their valuables spent
and the bitter winter
has hardened their world -
the trees do not mourn
or wallow in the tears of rain
dripping steadily down their trunks -
instead, they are working, nurturing
the life which will
decorate next summer,
and growing the currency
of next autumn’s harvest.

On the whole I enjoyed this, particularly the way you managed to add a touch of modernity to an old subject, and for shimmer their goodbyes.

What spoiled it were the cliches that you allowed to creep in.

for dear life
glittering jewels
never hope to attain
waved in the wind
wallow in tears
faded glory - I know you can find more original phrases to use than these, they just make a good poem bland. You are quite able to make images stand out - get them on their feet.

Yours rather harshly

Barrie

Thanks Barrie,

I'm glad you've picked up on these.
I've been trying to work on ways of describing nature in a more modern way - and to find my own voice in this area - so it's useful to have the cliches pointed out!

I've been trying to address the cliched bits which Barrie pointed out.
See what you think!

Much better - it really makes a difference getting rid of a few tired phrases, but I've still not finished. Nothing much really, just a suggestion for a slight change -

No amount of metal or fur
can catch the same perfect glint
of autumn sunlight

to

No amount of metal or fur
can ever catch the perfect glint
of autumn sunlight.

nice one

Barrie

I've just been reading throught this again and couldn't help thinking that sometimes we play many second fiddles to nature's tunes -

We subjects are nourished
by the glamour
and artistic beauty
of their position - Wouldn't it be a change (and more honest) to say -

We judges are moved
by the glamour
and artistic beauty
of their position, - Are we really nourished?

Barrie, reading too deep.

Pass the Nitrous Oxide.

I know this is unhelpful at this stage, but isn't the trees stand tall a cliche as well?

At the risk of incurring Travis's wrath - he hates semi-colons, you know - I wonder whether you could use one after mammals, continuing with they instead of who; at the moment that sentence is a tangled undergrowth of dependent clauses.

I think nature’s celebrities - / always slim on their diet / of water is great.

It's a nice finish as well, although I'm uncertain about using growing with currency.

What sort of trees are we talking about? The golden crowns interest me. Or is that just the light in their ... what? Do we have a word for the top of a tree? Apart from tree-top, which doesn't seem quite what I'm looking for. I'm sure Wipfel, in German, conveys a different meaning. I must look that up.

Anyway, good one Lexi.

Cheers

David

Hi David,

I know some of the sentences are a bit long - and I like semi colons - but I dont' want that long a pause after mammals.

I'm afraid my knowledge of trees is somewhat limited. They are the ones in the back garden of the house across the street! They are about the size of a 3 storey building - maybe a bit bigger, slim - but wider than poplars, and these one's seem to lose their leaves from the bottom up - so I've toyed with the idea of describing it as a comb-over as well!

To talk of trees and their beauty is always going to be a tricky subject. especially because readers who appreciate such beauty will come to the poem equipped already with a vast collection of writing on it (and also some strong views of their own). This means the poem has to either be very very good in a traditional way or you have to bring something new to the subject.

I would rather see a few powerful cliches than the mention of 'nature's celebrities' in a poem like this. Its a good line and goes well with 'slim on their diet of water' but doesn't seem to fit with the rest; trivialises the thing a bit in my opinion. I enjoyed the sentiment though.
Autumn is a lovely time of year to be watching trees.

'No amount of metal or fur
can catch the same perfect glint
of autumn sunlight,
in the way those trees shimmer
their goodbyes.' - loved this, what about 'could' instead of 'can'? maybe not.



cheers
gareth

Lexi

You have applied a modern treatment to this theme and come up with some stand out lines -nature’s celebrities -/always slim on their diet/of water is excellent
and taunting the shivering mammals is another clever observation.

I do wonder if your Trees need some more pruning so that these stand out lines really stand out. Stanza 1 is good but maybe radiate
glimmers of conceited brilliance is superfluous and would give you the stronger line Tissue-paper jewels/waving sadly to/the departing season. you do have a thing about tissue paper - weren't there tissue paper hearts in a previous piece?

Stanza two apart from the natures celebrities line which you could work in elsewhere - would you consider deleting it and just leave the reader to be moved by the message of the next stanza that they have moved on to preparing for next year.

A bit of pruning on three -

When their glory
has finally been wasted,
and bitter winter
hardens their world;
the trees are not,
paralysed by tears of rain dripping
instead, they are working,
nurturing the life which will
decorate next summer,
and growing the currency
of next autumn’s harvest.

Excuse me for taking the liberty of rewriting three and feel free to discard but I think less is more will enhance your autumn/winter theme.

Elphin

Hi Elphin,

I must admit - I do sometimes find a phrase I like and it creeps into a couple of poems in a row!
It's a bit like discovering a new type of chocolate - and then repeatedly buying it for a week!

Having spent so long working on those lines in the first stanza - it may take me a week or so to consider dumping them! Although I've got very fond of the words "conceited brilliance" - so if I do dump them - be warned - I will inflict them again!

I do like what you've done to the third stanza - I wasn't overly happy with the line about the trunks - I just don't really like the word "trunk" - it doesn't match the elegant slim tree image in my head.

Sam - thanks - I know others have done some fabulous poems on this topic - but I felt I needed to get my poetry skills around it - a bit like proving you can write a semi decent villanelle or sestina!
The can / could - you have no idea how often I have changed those two words!

I don't think I can add much more than has already said about your poem, but I must get my two crits. in before posting. I am sorry to say it was rather prosaic for me and a little long winded. I could see no regular form so it is in the modern vein, free verse, but then not even verse. There are no iambic lines to comment on and no rhyme so the poem stands alone on the words used and how they interact. The subject is beautiful, reminiscent of our wonderful autumn in the U.K. and hence always a popular theme. As Barrie pointed out some of the phrases were hackneyed but that isn't always a bad thing but for this poem seemed to be in desperation. Lines like:
And when their glory has faded is long winded, a poem should truncate and get as much information into its lines, What's wrong with 'Glory faded' it is much to the point else the line is just like prose.

My own view of the first few lines would be:

When winter comes as trees stand tall
Holding fast their leaves, enthral
And rustling protest against the breeze [This is one of your better lines, original and evocative]

The next few lines could follow such as this:

Tissue-paper leaves radiate
Wave brilliant hues and satiate
As seasons ebb and seasons flow
Old leaves decay and seedlings grow

This isn’t perfect either but it is a more concise form of poetry, whether it makes sense is another thing altogether but you may see here some kind of flow and regular rhythm. I know your poem is free and with no constraints but then it must be better than the ordinary poem to make up for the lack of form and enforced rules. I’m afraid yours is not.

As has been already stated in an earlier crit. Autumn is one of the most popular subjects there must be a million poems out there in cyber space all vying for first position. Yours does not flow, is not original and hence fails in my poor opinion.

Sorry to seem negative, it’s not pleasurable to write a critique that has little good to say.

Regards

Ioan

Ioan

Streuth! I'd hate to be trapped in a lift with you mate.

Lugubrious assassin or what!

Lexilogio wrote:Hi David,

I know some of the sentences are a bit long ...

Ouch! Come on, my attention span isn't ... er ... what?

Oh, and I believe that, in Welsh, Ioan is pronounced ee - yore.

Lexi

I like the way you have made an attempt to tackle the subject material in an original way. The language (or perspective, or both) seems rather romantic, and as such a little dated (not so much hip, as hippy), and the writing style frustrates me.

This is almost a piece of prose structured as a poem. I would be tempted to prune away at most stanzas (like Elphin and Ioan suggest) to get to the heart of the wood (so to speak). This would undoubtedly change the style, so that’s not necessarily a route you might choose. Nonetheless, I think that would give it a more contemporary feel.

I like the idea of the wind trying to steal the leaves. Could you have a larcenous breeze?


Tissue-paper jewels radiate
glimmers of conceited brilliance,

I think I understand the optical effect you’re trying to portray here, but isn’t the language too flowery for a tree?


and taunting the shivering mammals
who could never hope to realise
the elegant dignity
bestowed on the trees
by the subservience of those below.

This is a rather awkward sentence and slightly confusing. There seem to be too many reference points leading the reader back and forth (watching me, watching you, watching him). Aren’t trees subservient to mankind (a whole bunch of mammals)? Perhaps there’s a spiritual element to this section, but the ideas are not well explained, imo.


We subjects are nourished
by the glamour
and artistic beauty
of their position,
viewed from below, from afar,
decorating our lives:

More subservience (and spirituality?). I tend to agree with Barrie about the perspective here.


nature’s celebrities -
always slim on their diet
of water.

An interesting perspective, but aren’t the trees nature’s furniture? I don’t keep up with the celeb news, but when was Kate Moss last attacked by a woodpecker?


and the bitter winter
has hardened their world -

just a thought, perhaps moving towards cliché, could the winter be hardening their wood (or heartwood)?


the life which will
decorate next summer,
and growing the currency
of next autumn’s harvest.

Have to agree with David that currency doesn’t really grow (on trees – an oblique pun?). Why has spring been left out of the catalogue here? There must be something to say about it, surely.

I applaud your attempt at approaching such a well-covered subject, but I’m ultimately dissatisfied with the result. Perhaps in a different (not so decidedly contemporary) forum, this would sit more comfortably.

The crits for this piece seem mixed, so you’ve clearly got through to some people. Perhaps I’m rejecting the spiritual elements of the piece too strongly. Anyway, another perspective to consider.


og

I don’t keep up with the celeb news, but when Kate Moss was last attacked by a woodpecker?

- She never has been, og - that was Heather Mills.

D. Attenborough

Surely that was a death watch beatle.


Ann Entomologist

Surely that was a death watch beatle.

Deathwatch beatles only like Norwegian Wood.

Sven Epstein