Poetry Forum

A former flame
threw dancing shadows
over my divergent path;
a tacit invitation
to shape the guttered wax
gathered at her feet
and recreate the icon
she once aspired to be.

Demurely domestic,
sensing iniquity,
I let her sit and set.
The climate congealed
from cosy compliance to cool brittleness;
the fire sputtered,
choked
and soldiered on,
losing warmth and welcome.

Obscured by distance
and the fug
of imperfect combustion
that callow light
was lost from view.

It still shines,
I think,
but much too faintly
for wise, old eyes
to see.

Much to like here, og. Is that a cunning French pun I detect in the title? Or is bougie now an English word as well? I genuinely wonder.

Nice variations on the flame and the wax - but is it incipient you're after? (Insipient is actually a word - I never knew that.)

I think the fug / of imperfect combustion is a great way of describing a misfiring romance, one that never actually catches fire.

Good one.

David

Og

Also wondering about the bougie?

Question - my divergent path or our divergent paths?

The climate congealed/from cosy compliance to cool brittleness and the fug/of imperfect combustion I like a lot.

recreate the icon/she once aspired to be - i m not sure I got this line other than that she once wanted to be something like a filmstar, for example.

Overall good evocation of an old flame.

Elphin

Thanks for the encouraging feedback.

I've been searching for a subject to call my own, rather than hijacking something.


David

Is that a cunning French pun I detect in the title? Or is bougie now an English word as well? I genuinely wonder.

I tend to confer with the OED when struggling with etymology. They cite bougie as an English word, although they only use references from 1755 to 1865.

A wax-candle, a wax-light.

is it incipient you're after? (Insipient is actually a word - I never knew that.)

Guilty, you honour. A typo - now corrected. Although, on reflection, perhaps the other might work too.


Elphin

Question - my divergent path or our divergent paths?

Coming from the N's perspective, divergent path (singular) seems to satisfy grammatical considerations. There wasn't supposed to be any 'we' in the present tense of the story.

recreate the icon/she once aspired to be

don't want to say too much about this now, but will add something later.


thanks for the comments

og

I like the candle/woman comparison - the first verse really drew me in (I won't say like a moth), particularly the final lines.

to shape the guttered wax
gathered at her feet
and recreate the icon
she once aspired to be.

I always read poems out loud to see (hear) how they sound and I had doubts about -

sensing insipient iniquity, - Didn't seem to roll off the tongue as easy as the rest of the poem. However, it gets easier after a couple of reads so maybe it's just me.

The only other thing I'm not too keen on is I think, in the last verse.

It still shines,
but much too faintly
for wise, old eyes
to see. - Works without it.

You have a good poem here.

Barrie

This was worth it for the ending. It's a really good (and very natural) last verse.

I'm afraid though, that the rest doesn't do much for me mate.

The conceit is a decent one, and some of the writing is good, but it feels too formulaic. The way you construct sentences and lines is, for me, too stuffy and a bit contrived.

Here are the first few lines for instance:

A former flame - adj noun
threw dancing shadows - adj noun
over my divergent path; - adj noun
a tacit invitation - adj noun
to shape the guttered wax - adj noun
gathered at her feet
and recreate the icon
she once aspired to be.

Demurely domestic, - adj noun
sensing incipient iniquity, - adj noun

See what I mean? I particularly like the ending of this piece because it has a fantastic tone to it. It mixes an almost prophetic voice with a normal and very natural one. The parts I've highlighted, however, are just far too poetry. And I wouldn't mine that, but there isn't much variation.

I'm not pontificating about poetry having a natural voice all the time, because that would be horribly boring, but I think some variation should be shown. Perhaps you should play with the enjambment, since that doesn't help the structure. Or, see if you can get other tones in (conversational, subjunctive, twisted syntax, etc). That's why I thought the last verse was so good. Perhaps if you cut this heavily (on the adjectives) it would shine.

At the moment, however, you're fleshing out your conceit (as if you've realised you haven't too much to say) with muggy language, and I don't think it helps the structure and form of the poem.

Christ, that was quite a harsh crit, wasn't it? Sorry for the probably very pompous above, but I want to be honest. No harm done, I hope. And saying all of that, this sort of stuff gets published all the time, and everyone else liked the parts I didn't, so I'm sure you can see this as a rather un-objective post!

Cheers
Dave

Og,

I think that overall, this works well and the ending is perfect, but I would be tempted to rethink
"divergent path" - I'm struggling to infer what you you are trying to convey.
swerving? going off the rails? Is she firing a shot across your bows, as it were?

Also sensing incipient iniquity is a bit of a mouthful - contrast it with the simple but effective
I let her sit and set

Geoff

"Bougie" is a French word meaning "candle." The French apparently derived the word from "Bugia," the name of a North African town that exported candles to France.

I'm guessing the icon / she once aspired to be is your one and only, but I'm quite prepared to be wrong.

Bougie is also a suppository but I guess we'll stick with the candle definition here !!

Thanks all for more feedback

sensing incipient iniquity

This was a somewhat indulgent line (seductive sibilants and alluring assonance), and the general feeling seems to be thumbs down, so out it goes.

The ending and the beginning both have their supporters. Is the “I think” awkward? Perhaps it changes the voice at an unnecessary moment.


Wab

No harm done.
I suspected this wouldn’t be your cup of tea, as it displayed my penchant for alliteration. Perhaps L1 got you off to a bad start. I did wonder about using the title in the first line, but wondered if that might be too obscure. Whichever, they still require the use of ‘dancing’, so that’s one adjective I’ll fight for.

I’m intrigued that you see this poem as formulaic, because such ideas were far from my mind when I wrote it. However, the criticism does appear to be a valid one (are there many other pieces on the forum that fall foul?).

I was aware that the enjambment was far from original. I don’t have a great sense for what makes good enjambment. I’ll sit and think about this, though, as I’d like to try and add as much polish as possible. Clearly, the adjective count will need attention too. Having found a satisfactory way of saying these things, it may take a little time to come up with suitable alternatives. If I manage a decent redraft, I’ll bump it for reconsideration.


Geoff

The idea of ‘divergent’ was to imply that the protagonists had gone their separate ways. Perhaps there is a different way of making this clearer; potentially excluding an adjective!


David

The icon is something along those lines. Not sure if I should explain too thoroughly, as that might leave little scope for interpretation.


Elphin

My dictionary disagrees with yours, but they aren’t a million miles apart.


I am encouraged by various levels of support for the different sections of this piece. Clearly it is very difficult to please all posters, but I suspect a little tweaking might make this better. So, I’ll go and tweak.


og

All been said!

For my 10 bobs worth, tone down the alliteration a little and perhaps reconsider:

"that callow, tallow"

Seems there just for rhymes sake, and doesn't really assist either flow or meaning! I'm sure you could replace tallow!

That aside, a fine poem.

nice one
Kris

Hi,

I have to confess I'm not overly keen on the title - but that's because my french is crap and a bougie to me is a long flexible guide used to help guide an endo-tracheal tube into the throat.

That aside. Hmm. I don't know. Can I sit on the fence? It's ok - I do like the idea of relating the former flame to the candle - and the last stanza is great, but I kind of miss a sense of why it didn't work out - anger, or some emotion from the narrator. You give the coldness of the ex, but no real reaction from the narrator.

I agree with Kris - the callow tallow is a touch OT - I thought I'd just stepped into a Dickens moment.

But it's still good.

.

I loved it-- especially the ending. I personally have trouble with the last stanzas of my poems; they always seem so disengaged from the rest of the poem. Yours, however, was so smooth and natural.
I also loved the second stanza, but, as it has been mentioned above, the "callow, tallow" line detracts from the impression given from the first half of the poem.

Nice work :]

--R.

"that callow, tallow"

another indulgence hung out to dry.

I'm not sure I can find an alternative for tallow, and callow seems to be the more important word here, so I'll hoof out tallow and leave an echo of its former presence with callow.


og