frozen moments

[oranggunung]

A silver shopper, stooped
and solemn, fixed in space,
but lost in time, sat
poised, barely moving,
eating ice cream in slow motion.

She scooped a measured spoonful
from the cardboard cup, and careless
of thermal dynamics, raised
the payload in its plastic shovel,
gradually, glacially.

Oblivious of mall
about her, transported beyond
the consequence of so, into
the arms of what and if
and when, she savoured
familiar vanilla.

[juliadebeauvoir]

This was a nice little tableau--a snapshot of aging.
The old woman with white hair (implied) the white icecream, the coming
winter coldness in a frozen treat, the overall
slow pace of the inner life while surrounded by
busy people in a hurry.

I think the alliteration in the beginning was a bit overdone.
It didn't seem to carry through the whole piece.
Also think the last verse might have been too vague:

into the arms of what and if and when,

It left me with the feeling that I wanted to know more
about these layers. I think if these are not at the very least
briefly touched on then it might just be about the comfort
of familiarity in the form of an icecream cup.
Then again, maybe it wouldn't be as clean and clear
a poem if you went deeper.
My favourite part:

payload in its plastic shovel,
gradually, glacially

Cheers,
Kimberly

[barrie]

You'e going to love me for saying this, but the way you carefully set the scene, described her movements and her apparant reverie - all in slow motion, just made me think of those over sensual Marks & Spencer adverts, featuring perfectly textured, crumbling foodstuffs, gently steaming, and being gently parted by a fork - all shown in close-up slow motion, whilst being described by a woman with a posh, siren like voice (in slow motion).
I'm afraid I only got similar images from this poem - It didn't get me thinking, or seeing anything from a new perspective, it didn't stir any emotions - maybe because of the association with advertisements.
Sorry og, but that's what I got.

cheers

Barrie

[Merlin]

A silver shopper, stooped (I quite liked this start)
and solemn, fixed in space,
but lost in time, sat
poised, barely moving,
eating ice cream in slow motion.

She scooped a measured spoonful
from the cardboard cup, and careless
of thermal dynamics, raised
the payload in its plastic shovel,
gradually, glacially.

Oblivious of mall
about her, transported beyond
the consequence of so, into
the arms of what and if
and when, she savoured (savoured good word choice)
familiar vanilla.

I liked the tempo of this…but also sensed a kinda sardonic surrealism running right through it…..

It’s a pointedly sad piece depicting alienation and loneliness quite well…in my opinion…

Thanks….

[ioansant]

oranunung

A nice little ditty and ever so witty. It makes it into the poem status by virtue that it’s short, and alliteration abounds, if only on consonants rather than vowels and sounds. It’s completely irregular but that doesn’t distract at all. Even the lines in each stanza are irregular as so many are in the modern way, including some of mine. There is some rhyme in the poem, irregular but welcome in stooped and scooped, very nice too.
It seems to me to be about a silver haired shopper, therefore and old lady. An old lady lost in thought but focusing on the pleasure of an ice cream. I dread someone telling me I have this wrong too. In this she is isolated from the world and she has the skill to switch off and focus on the moment, which is something she is good at, having all the time in the world. The words hurry and rush are alien to her, and so the piece describes the mechanics of her delight and pleasure in the familiar treat. If only we too could learn to live for the moment and the little treats of life.

Words that jarred: payload (can’t see the space shuttle, unless it is a reference to fixed in space), thermodynamics (is she a scientist or engineer?)

A silver shopper, stooped
and solemn, fixed in space,
but lost in time, sat
poised, barely moving,
eating ice cream in slow motion.

The first stanza is really very good and reminiscent of Peter Piper picked a pick of pickled pepper. There is a rhythm in this and it is interesting, nicely put I was going to try some suggestions but won’t because it seems fine after several readings. It is something that can be read aloud very well.

The middle lines of the 2nd stanza is wordy, and loses any flow that ahd been introduced, it doesn’t measure up to the 1st and also that word thermodynamics. I cannot suggest an alternative.

Familiar vanilla was good too.

Suggestions, how about Silver Shopper for the title or A Frozen Moment? And I would prefer thoughtless rather than careless of thermodynamics, meaning she never gave them a thought rather than she knew what they were but did not care.

Regards

Ioan

[Elphin]

I like this Og - poetry IMO doesn't always have to have the deepest of meanings, a cleverly crafted piece with careful language that captures a moment of some significance is equally valid, and I think this does that.

I liked the title - captures exactly what the scene is. Alliteration is a particular favourite of mine therefore stanza 1 stands out. The pun in "mall about her" is clever.

My only "negative" is stanza 2 - She scooped a measured spoonful/from the cardboard cup has a good rhythm and sonics and I know what you are saying about thermal dynamics with its play on thermodynamics but the payload and plastic shovel don't sound right to me. I can't put my finger on it, maybe the phrase clashes with glacially - a natural description whereas payload/plastic are manmade. Maybe something like "raised the ice cap in its plastic scoop". Not really expressing this very well.

Elphin

[emuse]

Og,

A couple reads in and I find the snapshot deft and pleasing. I would take a look at stanza one. In S2 and S3 the descriptive qualities move uninterrupted and "show" rather than tell. S1 has some redundancy which you might consider removing. Let the readers see the slow motion for themselves.

A silver shopper, stooped
and solemn, [fixed in space,
but lost in time,] sat
poised, barely moving,
eating ice cream in slow motion

Just a little lightening of the descriptives here can make the transition into S2 smoother IMO.

Thank you for the respite. I almost want to see a photo with this but then I love photos and poetry.

e

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

We plough a similar furrow so I'm bound to say I enjoyed this, aren't I?

I had to re-read S3 several times before my grammar-chip stopped bleeping, and I almost missed
(m)all about her

IMHO the "transport" theme refers to time, and the coldness/slowness of old age contrasts nicely with the
fire/speed of a rocket launch.

Personally I wouldn't change a thing, not even the line breaks in S3 ....

Great read
Geoff

[David]

Good one, og - like Barrie, it got me thinking of adverts I'd seen. Haagen-Dazs in my case, I think. I like the idea of the silver shopper - made me think of the Silver Surfer - a Saga superheroine?

I wondered whether mall about her was a dodgy pun, and Geoff seems to have confirmed that. OK, quite nice, but dodgy.

Overall, though, a great little frozen moment (I like that title).

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

I wondered whether mall about her was a dodgy pun, and Geoff seems to have confirmed that. OK, quite nice, but dodgy.
David

The dodgier the better

Norman Vaughan

[oranggunung]

Many thanks for your comments. I wasn’t sure if this might get a Frostee reception.

I can appreciate why people made connections with the advertisements. All I can say in my defence was that this was written after seeing a real ‘silver shopper’ (link to fantastic 4 noted) eating an ice cream at such a remarkably slow rate that I thought they might have been a performance artiste.

What struck me about the scene was that the shopper might well have been lost in thought, but their actions seemed to place them out of time too. It made me think of those trick photography sequences that make crowds rush past while the focal person walks along normally.

thermodynamics
The idea was not to get overly complex here, but to notice that there are drawbacks to such slow actions. The ice cream could have melted and dibbled away before the spoon got to the woman’s mouth. I thought “thermal dynamics” would convey this notion without the complexity of the larger alternative. On reflection, perhaps the idea does reference the 2nd law of thermodynamics. However, I was only enjoying a playful use of language, rather than attempting anything deeper.

show/tell
Thanks for drawing attention to this e. The edit you suggested brings the alliteration into an unpleasantly sharp focus, but I’ll have a look at something along those lines.

mall about her
As soon as I thought of this, I felt it had to be part of the poem. Dodgy, yes, but apposite too. Where did I see this silver shopper? In a shopping mall. That legitimized the pun for me, so I didn’t flinch from including it.

I tried to do something a little more creative with the line breaks here, as I haven’t been too adventurous with them in the past. The structure hasn’t attracted much comment, so I’ll assume it worked.


I keep trying to find new ideas/subjects, rather than adopting them from others, but this strategy is frustrating and relatively fruitless. Perhaps more reading is an answer, so I can borrow from several sources simultaneously and kid myself it’s all new.


og

[barrie]

At least it was only me who got that M&S feeling. When I'm at home I have to switch off the sound when adverts are on, otherwise the TV wouldn't be safe - I really detest the bloody things.

Barrie

[emuse]

Oh I think more reading is always the answer. A Prof I know says one should read an entire book of poems for every poem they write. Maybe too much but I see the emphasis on reading as very important

e