pictures at an exhibition part 2

[makowski]

1.
yesteday I didn’t go out throughout the whole day. they showed
some blazing bus in the news. then you phoned me. at 6 –
I ate cold dinner. (wondering about one thing) will the supper
find me ready for the second coming of the Lord. sometimes

I feel like doing something cool. that’s a matter of choice.
that basically gets reduced to life. but you must be wary.
you never know. for instance one guy used to claim
God had died. and therewith he also died. you can’t dream of a better ending.

2.
mr mariusz kur, door number 6, accosted me on the staircase. he said
once he was young and used to write poems-whereupon he recited them unhesitatingly.
(holding shopping bags and a big basket of cherries). I asked if I could take a few.
he said sure – but not too many. / the poems were about love.
the cherries were sweet.

as I was leaning above the chess game / there came night and a drizzle.
everything was in its right place. that is. where a human ends
and the music starts. then it happened to me – something called
blumenfeld’s rule. / (basically) many errors have a common cause. tell me
how to fight against such a thing.

(translated from Polish)

[David]

So who speaks English - you or your translator?

Amazingly enough, considering what I regard as the astonishing obtuseness of your responses to other people's poems (I exclude my own from that, it was a bad one) - and if you type XXI centaury one more time I really think I'll scream - your own poems are very interesting.

Did I miss pictures at an exhibition part 1? And you're not - God help us all - an Emerson Lake & Palmer fan, are you?

Still an' all, I'd never heard of Blumenfeld's Rule, so thanks for that, and congrats on the poem. It's a nice piece of work.

Cheers

David

[makowski]

So who speaks English - you or your translator?

i'm speaking english but not in the enough level to translate a poetry.

God help us all - an Emerson Lake & Palmer fan, are you?

yes, i'm a fan of E,L&P. one of my favourite band. the same with led zeppelin and deep purple.

I'd never heard of Blumenfeld's Rule

that is the rule in the chees. it is about errors in common moves. when we are thinking 10 moves forward, and making mistake with something obvious.


and about my english, and how do you call it - "obtuseness". im responsing only because you have to do it, to post your own works.

regards.

[juliadebeauvoir]

and about my english, and how do you call it - "obtuseness". im responsing only because you have to do it, to post your own works.

Uh, yeah.
It is my hope that you will want to critique because not because you have to do it (although you do) but because you might want to in the spirit of goodwill.
But we can't ask for everything, can we?

As for your poem, I like your easy conversational tone. Especially the exchange between you and the doctor with the groceries. There were some great little sketches in there.
Keep up the good work.

Cheers,
Kim

[barrie]

I liked the poem as a whole but found it suffered from too many full stops and sentences beginning with small letters - I've nothing against using only lower case letters, but if you're going for that option then go the whole hog.

I enjyed 2 better than 1, especially the poetry recital on the stairs - good stuff.

I've had a go at punctuating it, I've also used uppercase where need be (you can always stick to small letters - you could also lose the punctuation if you so wish). I've made one or two small alterations, but it's your poem.

1
I didn’t go out throughout the whole day.
They showed some blazing bus on the news, then you phoned me.
At six I ate cold dinner, wondering about one thing - will supper
find me ready for the Second Coming.

Sometimes I feel like doing something cool. It’s a matter of choice
that basically just comes down to to life, but you must be wary:
you never know. For instance, one guy used to claim
God had died and therewith he died also.
You couldn’t dream of a better ending.

2
Mr.Mariuszkur, door number six, accosted me on the staircase. He said
once he was young and used to write poems,
whereupon he began to recite them, holding shopping bags
and a big basket of cherries. I asked if I could take a few,
he said sure - but not too many. The poems were about love,
the cherries were sweet.

As I was leaning above the chess game, night came with a drizzle
and everything was in its right place - That is; where a human ends
and the music begins. Then it happened to me, something called
Blumenfeld’s Rule - where many errors have a common cause.
Tell me how to fight against such a thing.

Barrie

[makowski]

thank You very much for helping me. i realy appreciate that.

Uh, yeah.
It is my hope that you will want to critique because not because you have to do it (although you do) but because you might want to in the spirit of goodwill.
But we can't ask for everything, can we?

yeah, that cound sounds like that the thruth is that i can do critique with joy, but in Polish i find it realy hard to critique a poem in english.
i hope you understand that.

[David]

As Barrie's had a go, mak, do you mind if I try a little secondary translation of my own? Here's what I would do.

1.
Yesterday I didn’t go out the whole day. They showed
some blazing bus in the news. Then you phoned me. At 6
I ate my dinner, cold, wondering about one thing - will the supper
find me ready for the Second Coming of the Lord?

Sometimes I feel like doing something cool. That’s a matter of choice,
that basically gets reduced to life (had trouble understanding this), but you must be wary,
you never know ... for instance, one guy used to claim
God had died, and therewith (therefore? he also died. You couldn’t dream of a better ending.

2.
Mr. Mariusz Kur, door number 6, accosted me on the staircase. He said
once he was young and used to write poems, whereupon he recited them, unhesitatingly
(holding shopping bags and a big basket of cherries). I asked if I could take a few.
He said sure – but not too many. The poems were about love.
The cherries were sweet.

As I was leaning above the chess game, there came night and a drizzle.
Everything was in its right place, that is, where a human ends
and the music starts. Then it happened to me – something called
Blumenfeld’s Rule: (basically) many errors have a common cause.
Tell me how to fight against such a thing.

Cheers

David

[emuse]

makowski,

you are brilliant. There are lines and ideas in your poems I would die for. I'm not overly dramatica am I?

God had died. and therewith he also died. you can’t dream of a better ending.

then it happened to me – something called
blumenfeld’s rule. / (basically) many errors have a common cause. tell me
how to fight against such a thing.


I suggest you do not edit your lack of English too much. There is a charm in the translation that should not be homogenized toward the English language.

If something jumped out at me as being poorly written or inconsistent, I'd tell you. Honestly, you have a rich universe. Your insights take me somewhere. What more can I ask from a poem?

e

p.s. regarding critique for others, give it your best shot. We don't mind that English is not your first language. You can speak to the heart of a poem, whether it's intent is understood, the impact it had or did not have on you, these things help too.

[makowski]

thank you. i'm surprised that you are telling me such a nice words. in my poems i'm always trying to tell something, something that is new and completly mine. i'm glad if someone could find a little bit of himself in my works.
about critique i'm trying to do my best, i'll be making a progress, have no fear

i have only 6 of my poems translated so far, but i think it will be more. if you are interesting here is my email - franz_ferdinand@o2.pl
you can email me, and i could send you my new stuff if you wish.

[Bombadil]

Mak,

I'm not able to comment on whether or not you're obtuse...so I won't. La.

As with many translations I've happened upon this one falls victim to, what shall I call it, over literalization, perhaps?

In short, too many words, trying to translate something so literally can really stymie a poem. As has been done with this one. This is a good poem, it just needs a bit of pruning to sound as good in English as it must in Polish.

Cheers,

K.