The Cultural Evolution

[Elphin]

Revision 1
Adam begat Cain
and after much begatting
Columba in his coracle came,
bearing the saintly names
that would drown the pagan sounds
that ran in Pictish veins

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claims
and clan lands were cleared
for Sutherland’s invaders.
We were aye a nation of traders,
so does a pooch fu’ o’ siller
mark Douglases as traitors?

All this I was taught at school, Ma
but on our way to learn Mandarin, Ma
Britney said history’s no cool, Ma
but I noo ken wan ‘hing, Ma
when I hae a bairn o’ ma ain, Ma
I’ll want to cry her Mei Ling, Ma.

Translations added after first couple of crits

"pooch fu' o' siller" - pocket full of silver
"I noo ken wan 'hing" - I now know one thing
"hae a bairn o' ma ain" - have a child of my own
"cry" - call

Original
Adam begat Cain
and after much begatting
Columba in his coracle came,
carrying the saintly names
that would cross out the consonants
that ran in pagans’ veins.

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claims; to clan lands
soon cleared by Sutherland’s invaders,
in which so many were traders,
so does a pooch fu’ o’ siller
mark Douglases as traitors?

All this I was taught at school, Ma
but on our way to learn Mandarin, Ma
Britney said history’s no cool, Ma
but I noo ken wan ‘hing, Ma
when I hae a bairn o’ ma ain, Ma
I’ll want to cry her Mei Ling, Ma.

[barrie]

Why would saintly names cross out consonants that ran in pagan's veins? I didn't get that.

The two middle lines of V2 sound a bit lumpy -

soon cleared by Sutherland’s invaders,
in which so many were traders,

maybe

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claims;
to clan lands cleared
by Sutherland’s invaders,
accompanied by traders.
So does a pooch fu’ o’ siller
mark Douglases as traitors?

I followed the last verse until the last line -

I’ll want to cry her Mei Ling, Ma. - 'I'll want to cry her' - ? I don't understand. Unless it means call her Mei Ling - In which case, I'll have to ask why.

Confusing.

Herbert Spencer

[Minstrel]

I get the impression it's a kind of 'be prepared' this time for the next form of invader? be it physical or market driven. i.e The chinese rise to power.

Could be wrong.

I do like the use of dialect. Although anyone unfamiliar with it would struggle. Fortunately I've got a glossary in the back of a robert burns book, otherwise I wouldn't have had a clue re. pooch fu' o' siller!

I like the way dialect is gradually introduced too.

[Lake]

You got me Minstrel, I am struggling, and very hard - not only "pooch fu’ o’ siller" but also "noo ken wan ‘hing".
I am totally lost in this Cultural Evolution. But the third stanza with each line ending with Ma reminds me of Gwendolyn Brooks' We Real Cool:

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

It is really cool. Who is Mei Ling by the way?

[twoleftfeet]

Elph,

Like Barrie, I don't quite get the references in S1:
Is it to do with baptism/Christian names replacing replacing Gaelic names?

My take on it was the same as Minstrels

Interesting read
Geoff

[juliadebeauvoir]

I get the impression it's a kind of 'be prepared' this time for the next form of invader? be it physical or market driven. i.e The Chinese rise to power.

Minstrel couldn't have said it better--I was thinking along the same lines. School child is taught lessons about history (Western history) and almost nothing of the Eastern world. Instead they get it from toys, cartoons, anime, etc. For most kids here, Asian influence on children is heavily marketed through anime. My sons use to love Pokemon--that was very cool to them.
So if this was a statement on cultural influences then it worked for me. I liked the way the poem sounded-- but even with the glossary it would help if you fleshed it out more--just to get more meaning behind it.
Surprisingly, even though I am an American I understood pooch fu o siller! I'm so proud of me!
Also question on Mei Ling. Is this a historical figure or a common Mandarin name?

Cheers
Kim

[Elphin]

Folks

Just a quick post for now, firstly to say thanks for the input. I'll say more later about the topic but for now I wanted to post an edit that picks up on some consistent crits - the consonants line and the awkward Sutherlands invaders.

Elphin

[emuse]

Hi Elphin,

The defined terms really help to give the poem a richness. If you submit this at some point, I would include translations since they are very specialized. The alliteration was very appealing as was the historical context of S1 and S2. I liked S3 but felt it came too soon. I wanted a bit more of a build to the final stanza. I'm not sure about the change and the reptititon of "ma". I think it might work better if the gear did not shift so abruptly to the history and then the teaching of the history.

I've been seeing a lot of attention to Mandarin being learned by westerners. This is the language of commerce and future. In fact, a global executive recommended that any student who wants to get ahead and have a foothold should learn Mandarin to give him/her an edge.

Those be my thoughts.

e

[David]

Hi Elph, I liked this too.

Here's a few thoughts for you.

Nice start, but irrelevant? Can we get straight to Columba? Or, if not, at least start with Peter or some other holy father?

Not sure about a sound / that ran in Pictish veins - is that possible? Okay, it's poetry, but my question remains.

I think the second verse would run more smoothly if Sutherland's invaders were the third line.

I think with whom so many were traders has an authentic McGonagallesque ring to it.

To me, the third verse seemed to come from another poem altogether.

Does that sound negative? It's not supposed to. I liked it, but I thought you could tweak those few wee things.

Cheers

David

[dillingworth]

re. columba and consonants: worked very well for me. i take it you're referencing the popularity of saints' names making pagan names with their germanic or norse roots extinct. and this extinction image and the linked idea of genealogy works superbly with the veins image: as if the new names are injected to gradually replace the old names which were the lifeblood of the old race?

however:

with whom so many were traders

really sticks out as awkward i'm afraid. it was the only part not to work for me. might i suggest:

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claim on clan lands
teeming with traders
soon cleared by Sutherland’s invaders

[Elphin]

All - thanks for your input. This is probably the piece I have posted in its earliest incarnation. Also I tried to stretch myself by sticking to a rhyming form in S1 and S2 and at the same time tried to play with using some dialect. So thanks for indulging me - particularly on the dialect. To the points you made:

consonants etc. The intention was as dil said the replacement of ancient names and sounds, Pictish in this case, with Chrisitian names. I think I prefer the revised "pagan sounds" now. David, I hope you are convinced with the geneology explanation of running in veins.

Barrie, You are right about middle two lines of V2 - I'm still not entirely happy with my revision but have revised the revision to remove the McGonagalism (David, thanks for pointing it out gently). As an aside, I drove over the Tay Bridge recently which reminded me of my favourite McGonagilism

"upon yon hill
there stands a coo
it must have moved
'cos its no there noo"

It did need the glossary of terms, apologies to all and well done Kim for getting it. "noo ken wan ‘hing" was intended to be vaguely Chinese sounding while actually Scottish dialect/slang and therefore allude to the narrator starting to pick up the Chinese influence.

Mei Ling was made up from common names.

e - you referred to needing another verse before the last. This picks up on Minstrel's interp. - beware of next invaders. Yes, its about the next influence but not to mean its necessarily a threat, which is why I think I need a verse 3 that describes a benign influence or if not benign then at least not "invasive" e.g. American culture or immigration and emigration. I have been trying to work this out over the last week but have failed so far.

So posting it slightly earlier than I have previous pieces has allowed me to benefit from all of your input. My plan for now is to put this on the shelf with "unfinished business" and come back to it fresh at some point to tackle the troublesome traders and invaders, an additional verse 3 and to reconsider the format of the final verse and Mei Ling. I also promise not to inflict any more dialect for some time, unless I find a particularly expressive word or phrase.

Elphin

[barrie]

One more suggestion, Elph -

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claims
and clan lands were cleared
by Sutherland’s invaders. - Could you lose the 'and' in L3 -

Later, Edward’s raiders
staked their claims,
clan lands cleared
by Sutherland’s invaders. or 'the clan lands' if you want an article - 'our clan lands', even.

Barrie