Like a Shark, Me.

[beautifulloser]

I
--

fraternising with a mugwump that never takes it all too literally,
possessing though knows not how to utilise

both sides of the equation: in homogeny,
knowing not what makes one like the other

Sniff for serenity, he says.
All for the want of not needing.

An incognito consumer
addling in value

a clash of stereotypical expectations
marching through the street term lingo;

paratrooped in
mis-in-formation

roundabout walks along lost tracks
in darkened graveyard gardens

obliquity fruits on blooming junks
off the coast of pale-faced Dover

II
---

what's the cost and wait?

a match with a maker if archetypes are to be realised
though frequently never

an isolated meritocrat,
a money-hungry autocrat.

Dependant chains of
blackened hands
holding on to pistons

fabrics crack
from avarice;
bent by stupid cupid.

III
----

a heart-felt drench of bullets;

obdurate intentions
those of nobility pinching at the ten percent

a voice of reason beckons,
lacking the judgement witnessed from a hand just dealt;

searching to get by,
for getting by is getting on
and getting on breeds credence

intensified rhetoric manifests
in purpose to invention;
anti-cancer cigarettes to mystics on a mission

those who know you don't
in the source
of what isn't them

sounds amplify
sing out of tune
and never ring again

IV
--

multiple confusions
breed the rueful mess
of institutional withdrawal

soapbox theories for
what's to be
reliable and normal;

embracing inter-dependant strength
or time would surely curdle

sober logicians conjuring up
a sugared politician

V
-

attention is needed;
to stick dead poets' heads
on white picket fences

greet the shards of shrapnel lingering
in everything's existence

[dogofdiogenes]

There's something about this I really really like, but i am too tired now to be more specific. Will come back to it after sleep.

thanks!

dogtired

[barrie]

Your punctuation could do with checking, Beau, it's quite erratic in places.

Could I suggest a slight change in the first four lines -

fraternising with a mugwump who never takes it all too literally:
possessing, though knowing not how to utilise,

both sides of the equation: in homogeny,
knowing not what makes one like the other. - perhaps

roundabout walks through the paths
of darkened graveyard gardens - maybe

roundabout walks along lost tracks
in darkened graveyard gardens

Pale-faced Dover is nice.

what's the cost and wait? - ?

stupid cupid is a bit Connie Francis-ish: you're not getting away with that one.

Maybe - a heart-felt drenching of bullets

a voice of reason

a hand just dealt - Come on Beau - you've heard theses elwhere, haven't you?

those who know you don't
in the source
of what isn't them - I don't understand this.

I found it a little too long to have my ears soapboxed. I think you could remove some parts of this and still say the same thing. I may be wrong, but some readers may be tempted to give up before the end - The final part of the poem starts to become a rant and you're in danger of losing a reader's interest, and comprehension.
I'd say prune it a little, check the punctuation and ease off a little towards the end.

That said, I can't say that I don't enjoy these Hyde Park corners - they keep me occupied and thinking.

nice one

Barrie

[dogofdiogenes]

I return....and I still like this. The message was a little bit overdone in places and I don't think a pithier version (no pun intended) would lose its point. i particularly liked the lines "sniff for serenity" and the bit about the junks at Dover. I like the final two lines, too, wasn't sure about the phrase 'stupid cupid' but I think that that is just a personal thing..there are some good sounds within and at the ends of lines. many thanks!

dog not for sale

[RobertFlorey]

I
--

fraternising with a mugwump that never takes it all too literally,
possessing though knows not how to utilise

both sides of the equation though homogenous
know not what makes one of the other.

Sniff for serenity, he says.
All for the want of not needing.

An incognito consumer
addling in value

a clash of stereotypical expectations
marching through the street term lingo;

paratrooped in
mis-in-formation

roundabout walks through the paths
of darkened graveyard gardens

obliquity fruits on blooming junks
off the coast of pale-faced Dover

II
---

what's the cost and wait?

a match with a maker if archetypes are to be realised
though frequently never

an isolated meritocrat,
a money-hungry autocrat.

Dependant chains of
blackened hands
holding on to pistons

fabrics crack
from avarice;
bent by stupid cupid.

III
----

a heart-felt drench of bullets;

obdurate intentions
those of nobility pinching at the ten percent

a voice of reason beckons,
lacking the judgement witnessed from a hand just dealt;

searching to get by,
for getting by is getting on
and getting on breeds credence

intensified rhetoric manifests
in purpose to invention;
anti-cancer cigarettes to mystics on a mission

those who know you don't
in the source
of what isn't them

sounds amplify
sing out of tune
and never ring again

IV
--

multiple confusions
breed the rueful mess
of institutional withdrawal

soapbox theories for
what's to be
reliable and normal;

embracing inter-dependant strength
or time would surely curdle

sober logicians conjuring up
a sugared politician

V
-

attention is needed;
to stick dead poets' heads
on white picket fences

greet the shards of shrapnel lingering
in everything's existence

I'm wondering if you might not want to remove:

soapbox theories for
what's to be
reliable and normal;

on the grounds of physician, heal thyself!

This is one of the best written translucent diatribes I've ever enjoyed
reading.

[Elphin]

bl

You know while appreciating the effort I struggle with these pieces. However this one made me think of one of Dylan's ranting pieces - maybe you should get the guitar and harmonica out and see if you can put it to music. Maybe add some kind of refrain.

Elphin

[beautifulloser]

Baz - Thanks, my technical skills are lousy (noted), I've been living a lie all this time! Probably time I tighten them up. Really like the suggestions, especially the opener, gratefully received. The two lines you did not understand are kind of related, but I know you mentioned you've been to Amsterdam for example so give that time and sure it all will be revealed! Crap, I've been a bit of a shitty fist twister there, how odd. I read and then re-read this through without spotting that. Fair point, as helpful as ever, thanks mate. It's good to know I keep your mind occupies, it's all part of the process before I eventually become you and control you're very self, forever. Muhahahaha!

Rob - thanks for the crit. This is all about helping thyself (although, I think you gathered that, but I can't be sure - of course) . . . why should it go? Elucidate my membrane and smoke me a kipper and wrap it in a tiffin cynlinder.

Dog - thanks for coming back to this, agree with those comments which echo some of Barrie's points too and I think that's a fair criticism so thank you.

Elph - I do, cheers. Well that's no bad thing in my book(!) - as for wrapping a tune round this, it would be a challenge but I wasn't thinking of this at all like that so it's an interesting comment - thanks for lodging it in there.

Cheers'um

Beau
x