Passing By

[barrie]

When I was younger
time was simple,
hours were slow,
a day could take
a week to go, and a night
would pass
in year long dreams
of flying low
over friendly fields.

So began these swifter days,
accelerated by old age,
when time no longer
needs our aid
in finding ways
to waste itself.



Last line of V1 removed
"and pavements"

[Elphin]

There is a "When I was younger so much younger than today" vibe in this barrie.

and pavements - I can't make up my mind if this is a nicely "awkward" end to the stanza after the fields/dreams or just awkward.

I am having trouble with the flow of the next stanza. If I can be so bold - here's an idea

Then began swifter days,
by old age accelerated,
when time no longer
needs our aid
to find the ways
to waste itself.
Just a thought.

Elphin

[dogofdiogenes]

This reminded me a bit of Fern Hill, especially the slight lilt....I wasn't as bothered by S2 as Elphin was, but did find the last couple of lines in S1 didn't sit quite so easily-but can't quite put my finger on it. The imagery doesn't work for me somehow. But gentle if a bit wistful

serioussirius

[Amadeus]

This is a bit of an old mans perspective, isn't it

Gaz

[barrie]

Thanks for your comments, Elph, dog & Am - much appreciated.

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Just to say Barrie, I think you manage everything in this perfectly.

Lovely rhyme in the first half, just enough context to sell it, an apt discord at the end with the crushing last line. Yeah, this is dead good. Not hugely original in content, but crafted very, very well.

Dave

[beautifulloser]

Baz!

I have to be honest and say this is a very moving piece of poetry, and you know, if you fall under a bus tomorrow I mean this heart-warmingly that this poem has "bothered" me since I read it, in a good way.

There's a real potency (and underlying futility, in some regards) to this which speaking from my own subjective point of view sort of hits you at the core - you have an eloquent approach to your work, which since joining the forum I really appreciate and your style helps to disambigify what you're "getting at", and through most of your work I have to say it's a compelling feature and this piece partcularly emphasises these qualities. Allbeit, it still retains an annoying level of allusiveness.

I have to agree with Elph, pavement might be changed as I interpret this. It's connotation suggests planning, particularly the americansed quadrangalised metropolitanisered helm-fuddery. Passing by doesn't work with this context in my mind - unless you're trying to suggest an underlying fatalism in everything, is that the case? If it isn't, then I'd suggest revising it as I personally take it that way, but having read your work I gather this is not the intended "point" being expressed - then again, they could be your pavements, in that context it makes more sense . . .

It feels it's lacking meat Baz - give me meat!!! Ahem. Get drunk and re write aspects of this, why can't a week to go, and a night pass in year long dreams anymore, Baz? I'm a good twenty years younger than you but could die tomorrow.

Have to chuckle, mate:

when time no longer
needs our aid
in finding ways
to waste itself.

I detect that's a double-edge sword of some sort, good lines.

Really tidy and polished stuff, enjoyed.

Love n hugs

x

[barrie]

Thanks for the positives Dave - cheers.

Beau. The pavements are really what I used to dream about when I was a kid - I used to fly over them just a couple of feet off the ground, then over the canal and across the fields - I couldn't leave them out.
You say you want meat...and me a vegetarian. I only eat beef from cattle which feed on grass!

cheers

Barrie

[David]

Barrie, I am (I think) with Elph on this. Great first stanza - though even there I would change pavements, even though it's so personally right for you, in fact because it's so personally right for you (and therefore fairly inscrutable to anyone else) - but I'd like the second stanza more if it were more allusive, less prescriptive - maybe if, rather than just saying things have changed, say what you dream about (or fly over) now?

Seasonal cheers

David

[barrie]

Thanks David - The poem's just about the gradual speeding up of time with age, the dream thing was just a way of illustrating the slowness of childhood.
Just as a matter of interest - Why should pavements seem too personal and not fields?

friendly fields
and pavements - These were just familiar places where I wandered as a my child - maybe I should have used familiar instead of friendly.

cheers

Barrie

[emuse]

This thread is so interesting because as I read the poem several times I found myself wanting more than pavements and then followed through to the end of the comments. I guess it comes down to what does the poet want? To be satisfied with his work regardless of the audience or to encompass both self and reader. I found this poem satisfying and yet wanting just a bit more visually than the pavement (which can be included) to ponder over, considering that the poem itself has a large theme and a good one.

I really liked this:

and a night
would pass
in year long dreams
of flying low
over friendly fields

I can relate to my own dreams of flying as a child. Actually, I use to fly in a swimlike fashion. Sort of a breaststroke to gain height above the rooftops

e

[Lake]

I like the clarity and simple diction in this poem.

[barrie]

Thanks e and Lake - I never fly anymore in dreams, never managed it for years - I just have to run these days. Maybe that's what JM Barrie had in mind when he wrote Peter Pan - that only kids dream about flying.

David, Beau, Dog and Elphin and anymore pavementophiles, I've come to realize that you are probably right about pavements, so I'll drop that line.

Thanks again all

Barrie

[juliadebeauvoir]

Barrie,
As my mum would say, "Small, sweet and full of meat"--Each verse hit it right away without playing around. "Flying low over friendly fields" struck me immediately. I also remember my 'flying dreams' as a kid and how long a summer could stretch out. Or how much a dollar could get you at the penny candy store. I like the revision minus the pavements.
Nice one,
Kim

[barrie]

Thanks Kim - I like the quote from your mother - Small, sweet and full of meat. Back in the Sixties, there used to be an advert on TV for dog food (I'll swear it was called Jock), where the jingle was growled out in a thick Scottish accent - It's all meat, a rrrreal treat! - I kid ye not.

cheers

Barrie

[David]

Surely we are pavementophobes? Your question - Why should pavements seem too personal and not fields? - is a good one, but I have to say I really like the revision.

[barrie]

Surely we are pavementophobes?

- It was my attempt at sarcasm. You turned me into one in the end - a phobe, not a phile.

Phlilo of Phobia (or is it Alexandria)

[emuse]

Good revision Barrie. I give you the official 2008 Seal of Good Poetrykeeping!

e

[Elphin]

The revision works - good job.

Elphin

[barrie]

Cheers e and Elph - I guess pavements tend to get under your feet.

Barrie

[arunansu]

I just want to say I enjoyed the poem very much.
Nice write, Barrie.

[barrie]

Thanks Aru - much appreciated.

Barrie

[ccvulture]

When I was younger
time was simple,
hours were slow,
a day could take
a week to go, and a night
would pass
in year long dreams
of flying low
over friendly fields.

So began these swifter days,
accelerated by old age,
when time no longer
needs our aid
in finding ways
to waste itself.



Last line of V1 removed
"and pavements"

The second stanza sounds like the prologue to a novel. Nice and pithy. I also like the way your structure echoes the ensuing swiftness of time's passage and the narrator's enforced hurrying.

Stuart

[thoke]

I think this is good. A simple idea, well-expressed. I agree with ccvulture that S2 sounds like the start of a novel. S1 is almost as good, but I'd take out the 'a' before night, for the sake of rythm. And I found the last line of S1 a bit disappointing. I'm not sure what to suggest, though - maybe you could just leave it out.

Ben

[barrie]

I also like the way your structure echoes the ensuing swiftness of time's passage and the narrator's enforced hurrying.

Thanks Stu - Glad you noticed that.

Ben - Re the removal of the last line of V1: I've already removed the last line, what you're reading is the penultimate one as was - but reading it through again, you may well be right - I'll have to think about that one. I don't suppose 'friendly fields' says much really.

Thanks both

Barrie