Poetry Forum

Sky born riders
on the morning sun
navigate the glistening wind.
Acid rain
destroys their charts
and leaves them
giddy up through
an asteroid field of dreams.

Ben

I have read this several times and have a feeling there is something I am missing. I think its pinning down who or what the sky born riders are? Birds of some kind but why are they in the asteroids?

Are ghost riders in the sky the same as sky born riders?

Clever double play on giddy up.

Elphin

Like Elphin, I was thinking birds losing their landmarks because of a changing environment. Not really taken by '(asteroid) field of dreams' - it reminded me of a film title. If it is about birds losing their bearings, you could throw in their other means of navigation -

Acid rain
destroys their charts
and leaves them
giddy up through
magnetic fields,
pondering the stars

Just a thought - but I've probably got it all wrong.

Barrie

thoke wrote:Sky born riders
on the morning sun
navigate the glistening wind.
Acid rain
destroys their charts
and leaves them
giddy up through
an asteroid field of dreams.

How about "erodes" instead of "destroys"? Just a thought. Also, I wonder about making the last three lines into two, breaking after "up." The enjambment feels a little too choppy as is, at least in my mind. You could also consider taking out the "through" and breaking the sentence after "up." Something about that portion seems a little off to me. Also love Barrie's suggestion.