Annalie Travelli

[ccvulture]

[Removed for editing].

Thanks Tryp for giving this a proper workout.

Regards

Stuart

[tryp]

I'll take up the challenge - I'm going to have to go at it in pieces though, I think. Whew, and I thought I wrote long poems

Republic

Another night of smoke
and speed in Republic,
selling sweet white wine
to drunk brothers
with a saccharine smile,
a silent roll of the eyes.

Her involuntary hip-swaying
to the massive beat
encourages the boys,
their ecstasy eyes throbbing
like speakers, their mouths
chewing imaginary nipples.

House is the music
of the Salzburg night.
The harmony’s huge pipes
rush across the bass
like the main stream of the Salzach
hurtling over its rocks.

Her soul finds kinship
with the angel’s voice floating
from the soundsystem:
she opens her wings
and soars, but not into the rafters
of Republic; instead,

into the gorges of the Hochkonig
south of the city,
high into alpine land,
away from the brazenness of bohos,
the destroying eyes
of the disco lights.

Annalie Travelli watches the brothers;
remembers stamping their hands
in ultraviolet earlier,
while they stared at
her haunches and grinned,
the tourists’ grin. She…

She swishes a dark red towel
across the ponds of lager
on the neon counter and it reminds her
of a lure brandished in the air,
and of a falcon’s wings swerving
against a backdrop of silver mountains.

I definitely like the sibilance in the first stanza - it sets a really nice tone for the rest of the poem. Makes it feel kind of edgy, if that makes sense.

"massive beat" - something about that description sounds a little bit off to me. It makes me think too much of massive beast, or maybe something else. I don't know what I'd put in its place, it just sounds a little wonky to me.

Consider substituting "them" for "the boys" in line nine - I think it would make it connect better to the first stanza if you did that.

"ecstasy eyes" is a great description - love it. The speakers thing took me a minute to understand fully, but the image you're trying to get at there is a great one. About the verb "chewing" - it seems jarring to me. If that's your intent - you're going for a somewhat vicious/violent feel - then you got it. Otherwise, perhaps there's a gentler word? I mean, I see that vicious can be sexy, but that strikes me more as just vicious than sexy-vicious.

The third stanza could be a little out of joint with the rest of the rhythm - in all the other stanzas you use heavy enjambment with extremely long sentences, but this stanza seems very terse and it takes away from the poetic quality of the image. Also, the enjambment doesn't seem to sound as good in this stanza - it seems a little forced. All in all, I'd say the third stanza is probably the weakest one.

Perhaps "in" instead of "with" at the beginning of the fourth stanza?

"but not into the rafters
of Republic; instead,"
If it were me, I'd change this to "not into the rafters but" though i see that doesn't work with your stanza structure. Either way, consider reworking that bit.

"away from boho brazenness" might sound a little better, as it would make the line lengths more uniform.

I'm pretty sure your use of the semi-colon in the penultimate stanza is not correct grammatical usage and it also doesn't seem to serve much purpose there. I would also consider taking out the commas - the enjambment has the same effect as a comma without your needing to put one. Consider taking out the ellipsis at the end of that stanza and then omitting the "She" at the beginning of the next stanza - ending with an ultra-heavy inter-stanzaic enjambment might be a really great touch.

I love the imagery in the last stanza - it's one of your strongest. Great work!