Kaki, The King

[beautifulloser]

You had a minute, once,
to traipse through the faces that love you
glance through the corneas
of every eye you came across,
searching for a beacon of reciprocation
for why it was you wrote that song.

I don't struggle to believe you;
hearing tormented teenage years
of scales in place of people,
knowing that you never conformed
nearly half as well as you could do.

Leaving my feet, tapping,
humming melodies to words
your guitar never thought of
though I know you wouldn't need it to.
Your looping delay furnishes me
with everything I need to

punch the soul and realise
the guys you lusted after,
turned out to be accountants
with frigid wives, and celibate daughters,
strumming over melodies
they've never even thought of.

A pure breed of musical stock,
I hope you don't ever stop.
Dare I say, I'd never have parted
from my love,if she played guitar
half as well,
as you do when you're playing
all half-hearted.

[Oskar]

Beau

Well it looks like I'm the stalking horse for this one.

I've read it and I like it, but I still don't know who it's supposed to be about - which is a bit of a bummer.

The title shouts Elvis but the content points in other directions. Still not sure if our man's wang dang doodle continues to twang or if he's gone to some electric ladyland in the sky. The looping delays suggested Hendrix to me, but the last stanza speaks of someone who still very much alive.

leaving my feet, tapping,
humming melodies to words
you've never even thought of

conjured up the horrendous image of Hank Marvin - but I quickly banished the such grisly thoughts from my head.

Is it B.B. King we're looking at here?

As for other aspects of the poem:

S1 I really like. It conveyed a bleak picture of artistic loneliness.

S3 and S4 stick out rather awkwardly for me and tend interrupt the flow of the piece. You're probably doing something quite clever with the structure, but it's pearls before swine!

Your final stanza is a peach. Loved it.

Cheers

[beautifulloser]

Hi Oskar

Hopefully the revised title makes it a bit clearer? If not, consider it cultural warfare in response to The Missing Page . . . .!

"S1 I really like. It conveyed a bleak picture of artistic loneliness. " - Has just about made me day actually, thanks, really pleased that was conveyed to you even though you wasn't sure what it was about.

Re S3 and S4, don't need that line break so amended and see what else comes.

Cheers, dude.

Beau
x

[Oskar]

Hopefully the revised title makes it a bit clearer? If not, consider it cultural warfare in response to The Missing Page . . . .!

Still none the bloody wiser.

Touche!

[beautifulloser]

Well, may I help you out, Sir . . . .

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaki_King

Love n hugs

The Beauster
x

[barrie]

I googled Kaki, found Kaki King and listened to her guitar playing on youtube, quite impressive - although she doesn't do percussion guitar anywhere near as good as Tommy Emmanuel.
Anyway - the poem. I liked the clear, calm quality of this piece. It's much easier to read and digest than your earlier stuff. You've harnessed your thoughts and guided them, rather than let them stampede - hence no thunder on the ears.
The writings fine, but I think the punctuation needs a check. Just one suggestion: why not reverse lines one and two in the last verse (and stick in a couple of full stops while you're in there.) -

A pure breed of musical stock, ------(slight change)
I hope you don't ever stop. -----------(may you never stop)?
Dare I say, I'd never have parted
from my love, if she played guitar
half as well
as you do when you're playing
all half-hearted.

nice one

Barrie

[Oskar]

Mmmm. She looks like Doris Walters to me.

[beautifulloser]

Bazaroo,

Aye, this is a valid observation you make, Sir. But then, Tommy doesn't do the Vince Reilly dispersed electric niceness - proving you can't be a master of all trades. Apologies for the tedium with the punctuation.

Much prefer the line reversal, ta muchly.

Beau
x

[Elphin]

bl

I am liking this. It has an easy flow and melancholy to it - in fact if I can paraphrase your own line, its "all half hearted" without any of the negative conotations of that phrase.

For some reason the "unpoetic" almost colloquial qualities of the last lines of each of the stanzas really work and I agree the last stanza is Grade A.

Not sure why you changed the construction of S3 and S4, they do read quite awkwardly compared to the others.

Here are some nit picking spelling/grammar/comma points:

add a comma after once in line 1and take one away after you in L2 as the line break does the work
change glanced to glance to keep tense consistent
S3 - you're should be your
Maybe full stop after need it to
take commas out after delay and soul and after and wives

Nice one

Elphin

[redpond]

Howdy beautifulloser

So like others I too have googled Kaki King. A nice surprise. And a nice start with the verb, traipse. Good lines in between the content, taken out of the lines and context.

“you’re a guitar never thought of.”

And just to be a lyric of a song,

“... I’d never let her go,
if she played a guitar
as well as when you’re
playing halfhearted.”

You know, I’m the last guy to pull at a grammatical lint. And since our astute readers have not pointed this, it might be more than all right. For me it does not sound right. The last line
of the 1st stanza, shouldn’t that read “for why it you (who) wrote that strong.

[beautifulloser]

Hey Elph

Thanks, my man. I'm pleased you said that as she was playing all half heartedley and was trying to get that over so, thanks . . . .

Elphin my man, I never do ANYTHING poetic, that would be compromising my principles! Well, S3 and S4 were seperated but they had the same line count and I don't know why it was not like that to start with but I'll look at that as others have commented so.

Thanks for the grammar and that, was never any good at English at school, started secondary school without knowing how to structure sentences (I am not lying) so I just punctuate as though I'm talking, I'm a bit of a tit like that. The Bazmesiter-general keeps bringing it up but I ignore him generally unless he has a good book to reccomend!

Howdy Repond

"Good lines in between the content, taken out of the lines and context."

I have no idea what you're talking about, but am pleased nevertheless as it comes over all English and cerebral like, almost like if Kryten was commenting on some of Rimmer's poetry in Red Dwarf, that's the sort of stuff he'd say, you with me? (Just "ribbing" you Sir, I appreciate the crit very much).

"for why it you (who) wrote that strong."

I'd have to roll over and let you tickle my stomach on that score. All I have to say in response, is that I do not talk like that, or would not express myself in that sort of way, but!, you're likely correct Sir, so I'll just leave it as is but thanks for taking the time out to have read and putting me straight - but it makes me want to flout the rules regardless, in the sense that writing should be more like music, but it isn't (apparently).

Over n out

Beau
x

[emuse]

cher beau,

your poems are blowing me away of late, you are really getting it through. i'm in no frame to nit, just wanted to come by and admire.

Your looping delay furnishes me
with everything I need to

punch the soul

This really surprised me in a great way...i could almost imagine the loop. I know I can obsess over loops at times, poetic sound waves that open something into narnia.

x e

[David]

A great tribute to a musical avatar, beau, but just when we're enjoying what seems to be a purely impartial appreciation of the kaki girl you get us between the ribs with a sharp piece of personal history.

Dare I say, I'd never have parted
from my love,if she played guitar
half as well,
as you do when you're playing
all half-hearted.

That is lovely, and rather moving. I love that demure Dare I say.

Cheers

David

[dedalus]

Dare I say, I'd never have parted
from my love,if she played guitar
half as well,
as you do when you're playing
all half-hearted.

Along with David, I think these are some of the best, or at least most memorable, lines in the poem. In other news, I think poor bloody accountants get an awfully bad rap from just about everyone as if their job was just about the most boring and useless thing imaginable. I can think of quite a few worse, but I was wondering if you would consider giving them celibate wives and frigid daughters instead of the other way around?

Cheers, dedalus

[dogofdiogenes]

Well, i had to look up Kaki on Tinternet and although she's energetic she doesn't move me otherwise. I really enjoyed s5 and the repetition of half in s2 and the strumming over melodies I quite liked. I really enjoyed the sound of corneas and across. I thought s1 was about someone already dead before I knew otherwise-it had that feel but it didn't move easily for me.

But now I've learned something new.

Thank you!

soundsof sirius