Poetry Forum

I cannot because
I can, and if I do
I must not, so then
when or what can
we two echoes see or
do with rays left
in a night
when a cloud-seam
is torn already
and done,
do I leave you
before the rain
for mine and yours-
a spoon and a fork?
knowing that I become
as anything as a sufferer
shrouding how or why
when there is nothing
to sound but still
for every improbability
explained, million stars,
each an inexorable
forlorn speck
of speech, a vowel
plummeting from the sky;
because you went
the way you did,
did not look back,
now coming forward
yes, but turning back slow
when the spool is spent
there is none around
this round table
made for two without
us, because seeing you
I can, without end.

(edited on 2/25/08)

Rather choppy teen angst I'd say, with a spattering of tongue tied pseudo philosophy.

a spoon and a fork? was good.

cheers
Kris

I cannot because
I can

if this isn't personality disordered, nothing is!

disordinary dog

Yo! Repond.

The line breaks hindered the reading for me personally. This has a stream of conciousness sort of feel about it and when I write that sort of stuff I favour long, usually un-punctuated, sentences but I am often pulled up for it but for me I persoanly found the line breaks a hinderence.

I particularly liked:

when or what can
we two echoes see or
do with rays left

As for the rest of it, only praise really. I empathose fully with the situation, but my lonely place, the vacuum left, has been filled with an over priced weighted keyed piano and all the time in the world to fill the void with the other passions that probably caused the loneliness in the first place.

Nice one, but I'd say sort the line breaks.

Beau
x

very internal monologueish...lots of confusing, conflicting thoughts...

Like BL, I too suffered with the line breaks, or because of them...would be much better reorganizing them...

Interesting piece though...would sure help my understanding if you give a little insight of what it's about though...Besides being a lonely place of course...or is there nothing else to say?

The first few lines cancel each other out and don't really say anything. Conflicting thoughts are one thing, but contradictory thoughts are pretty useless. You can't if you can; if you do, you musn't. What then?

It's not bad when it gets going. This bit sounds nice, as beau noticed:

when or what can
we two echoes see or
do with rays left

But it quickly stops making sense again.

I don't get what you're trying to say. Do you?

Ben

I like this. It sounds good, though I agree the meaning is not always clear. I do however, think it's perfectly valid for a poem to emphasise sounds over sense, so it depends what effect you're after. Some enigmatic images like 'we two echoes'. I thought maybe it might work better unpunctuated.