Broken Curtain Rail
Bask in breath
and bear my beard
on young shoulders
draped in curtains,
diving into death.
Walls blink
with shadows of birds
at the fabric tide
of sweetness breached.
Broken Curtain Rail
Very interesting imagery explaining an uninteresting event - a broken curtain rail
You must have been sitting on the setee smoking some wacky backy, looking at the broken rail
No , seriously, it's simply done - but that's what's neat about it!
Bask in breath
and bear my beard
on young shoulders
draped in curtains,
diving into death.
like this line
Walls blink
with shadows of birds
at the fabric tide
of sweetness breached.
Nice end too
Can't really say much else... perhaps someone else , more adept than I can suggest improvements -![Question :?:](./images/smilies/icon_question.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
You must have been sitting on the setee smoking some wacky backy, looking at the broken rail
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
No , seriously, it's simply done - but that's what's neat about it!
Bask in breath
and bear my beard
on young shoulders
draped in curtains,
diving into death.
![Twisted Evil :twisted:](./images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif)
Walls blink
with shadows of birds
at the fabric tide
of sweetness breached.
![Arrow :arrow:](./images/smilies/icon_arrow.gif)
Can't really say much else... perhaps someone else , more adept than I can suggest improvements -
![Question :?:](./images/smilies/icon_question.gif)
It made me think of a crematorium's curtains ;-o
Nice little read though.
Cheers
Stuart
Nice little read though.
Cheers
Stuart
Now you have said it....I can see it in the poem, clearlythoke wrote:Thanks. This was actually supposed to be about a sexual fantasy, but I guess there isn't much evidence of that. Maybe I need to add some second-person pronouns.
Ben
![Twisted Evil :twisted:](./images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif)
![Twisted Evil :twisted:](./images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif)
![Twisted Evil :twisted:](./images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif)
I am really worried now, coz sex is usually the first thing I notice....
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
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Oh good. But do you think I need to make it slightly more explicit? I don't want people to think it's just about curtains.Merlin wrote:Now you have said it....I can see it in the poem, clearly
Ben
There are some good phrases here but they just add up to obscurity - I would have had no idea if you hadn't said what it was about. Even with your explanation, I still find it recondite. I'd enjoy your poems a lot better if they were more lucid.
Barrie
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......