REVISION
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss and she's away.
An improvident step-mother,
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes.
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ORIGINAL
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
the cool duplicitous hugs
of a careless step-mother.
All these pretty little flowers,
how she despises them.
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.
Sunshine in March
I think you have too many modifiers in the first verse - they should be thin like the sunshine.
Sunshine in March:
cold,
brisk and fickle,
I like the stepmother comparison. Maybe you could make 'her' more aloof in the last verse -
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look down on them. - Just a thought.
nice one
Barrie
Sunshine in March:
cold,
brisk and fickle,
I like the stepmother comparison. Maybe you could make 'her' more aloof in the last verse -
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look down on them. - Just a thought.
nice one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
David
I like this a lot, very much my cuppa tea. The carefully selected words and the balance are good particularly couplets 3 to 4.
Stanza 1 is good as it stands but I just wonder if 4 couplets would more effective. What I mean is that you are evoking a reluctant sun and the three couplets come over as exactly that - reluctant and sparse - but S1 is full and wordy. Also I think your step mother metaphor is excellent and original but describing spring sun as liquid and thin is probably not. So where I am getting to is IMO shorten S1 to a couplet and do that by removing the liquid and thin and running on from the title e.g.
Sunshine in March
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle
Like the subtle change in barrie's suggested ending.
good one
Elphin
I like this a lot, very much my cuppa tea. The carefully selected words and the balance are good particularly couplets 3 to 4.
Stanza 1 is good as it stands but I just wonder if 4 couplets would more effective. What I mean is that you are evoking a reluctant sun and the three couplets come over as exactly that - reluctant and sparse - but S1 is full and wordy. Also I think your step mother metaphor is excellent and original but describing spring sun as liquid and thin is probably not. So where I am getting to is IMO shorten S1 to a couplet and do that by removing the liquid and thin and running on from the title e.g.
Sunshine in March
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle
Like the subtle change in barrie's suggested ending.
good one
Elphin
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dogofdiogenes
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Hiya David,
I loved the simplicity of the last 2 stanza (although, as a stepmother, I could argue with the content!!)but have to agree with barrie about the lack of economy with adjectives-never guilty of that myself, of course-March sunshine is reedy and not much else.
It made me remember a lot of things, though.
magnificent mutt
I loved the simplicity of the last 2 stanza (although, as a stepmother, I could argue with the content!!)but have to agree with barrie about the lack of economy with adjectives-never guilty of that myself, of course-March sunshine is reedy and not much else.
It made me remember a lot of things, though.
magnificent mutt
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
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dillingworth
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small but perfectly formed. the first stanza is fine to my ear - the slight overindulgence in adjectives is more than compensated for by the rhythmic effect. and by the assonance on "liquid, thin...brisk and fickle" - great sounds, don't get rid!
the rest is simple and elegant. very nice.
the rest is simple and elegant. very nice.
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twoleftfeet
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Guys, I have to disagree about trimming the modifiers - it's a question of style i.e it's what David does IMHO
- he chats intimately to the reader almost like he has just formulated an idea that he wants to run by you, and
then he develops it more sharply as the poem progresses.
David,
My only suggestion is to think about alternatives for "careless" and "despises" because these words only raise questions.
An enjoyably oblique view of the insipid freezer-light sun at this time of year.
Geoff
- he chats intimately to the reader almost like he has just formulated an idea that he wants to run by you, and
then he develops it more sharply as the poem progresses.
David,
My only suggestion is to think about alternatives for "careless" and "despises" because these words only raise questions.
An enjoyably oblique view of the insipid freezer-light sun at this time of year.
Geoff
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beautifulloser
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Big D
I am with Geoff on this one on the modifiers, but if not done well it can be hinderence, but it is done well IMHO. Liquid, thin is just right - great choice of words.
I'd personally favour four lines in S1. But just a preference, it reads perfectly well as is.
Enjoyed, Sir. Particularly because of late, I've wanted to try and write something similar, you've soothed that ache with this one. (Which is just as well, as it just wasn't happening!. Maybe it will now that you've provided some inspiration).
booyaka!
me
x
I am with Geoff on this one on the modifiers, but if not done well it can be hinderence, but it is done well IMHO. Liquid, thin is just right - great choice of words.
I'd personally favour four lines in S1. But just a preference, it reads perfectly well as is.
Enjoyed, Sir. Particularly because of late, I've wanted to try and write something similar, you've soothed that ache with this one. (Which is just as well, as it just wasn't happening!. Maybe it will now that you've provided some inspiration).
booyaka!
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Hey, I replied to you early posters, but I see my reply has disappeared. That just makes me look rude, and I hate that.
So, thanks all, comments noted. What I thought I said already, before it dematerialised, is that I wanted to just describe something in front of me for once. No extra-curricular reading required. (That's your doing, beau, so beauyaka to you too).
I still ended up falling into my old bad habits of allusion (remote) and whimsy, but it was fun trying not to.
Cheers
David
So, thanks all, comments noted. What I thought I said already, before it dematerialised, is that I wanted to just describe something in front of me for once. No extra-curricular reading required. (That's your doing, beau, so beauyaka to you too).
I still ended up falling into my old bad habits of allusion (remote) and whimsy, but it was fun trying not to.
Cheers
David
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oranggunung
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David
This is a fascinating poem. Short and sour, like a shot of bourbon and just as intoxicating.
The repetition of the title at the beginning doesn’t work for me, although I think S1 would need something to replace it if it went. As dil commented, the assonance of the shorter adjectives is striking. The trouble is, with the longer options included, it reads rather like a thesaurus.
the cool duplicitous hugs
Lovely language, but is there a comma missing? Could there be a semi-colon after fickle, even?
S3 – despises is a very powerful word. If the stepmother is careless (S2), is that appropriate?
A most enjoyable descriptive piece, particularly with the colour your allusions add.
og
This is a fascinating poem. Short and sour, like a shot of bourbon and just as intoxicating.
The repetition of the title at the beginning doesn’t work for me, although I think S1 would need something to replace it if it went. As dil commented, the assonance of the shorter adjectives is striking. The trouble is, with the longer options included, it reads rather like a thesaurus.
the cool duplicitous hugs
Lovely language, but is there a comma missing? Could there be a semi-colon after fickle, even?
S3 – despises is a very powerful word. If the stepmother is careless (S2), is that appropriate?
A most enjoyable descriptive piece, particularly with the colour your allusions add.
og
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oranggunung
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I do like your new S2, but still have reservations about S1.
og
og
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dillingworth
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my two pence worth - the revised version is much worse than the original. it's lost its vitality and conciseness. if it ain't broke (which it wasn't) don't fix it!
David
I think the structure is better and the final line in S1 very appropriate.
In S2 your word choice of improvident, ingenue and such sudden fond displays work and are on reflection better than cool duplicitous hugs. I am not sure about murderous mood changes - does the sunshine have the mood change? Maybe yes because she goes away but is that murderous, probably not, its the sudden ice or snow or rain that is "murderous" I think. Anyway I think the line
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.
says everything about Sunshine in March.
All points made in the context of liking this of course.
Elphin
I think the structure is better and the final line in S1 very appropriate.
In S2 your word choice of improvident, ingenue and such sudden fond displays work and are on reflection better than cool duplicitous hugs. I am not sure about murderous mood changes - does the sunshine have the mood change? Maybe yes because she goes away but is that murderous, probably not, its the sudden ice or snow or rain that is "murderous" I think. Anyway I think the line
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.
says everything about Sunshine in March.
All points made in the context of liking this of course.
Elphin
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emuse
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David, I have to say that I first read the revision and loved it and didn't bother to read the original. Then I read the comments and went back and read the orig. and I have to say the revision is miles better. The kiss you added, the ingenue and the final line of the poem all work well. It feels to me like a much more complete metaphor. Clever and whimsical.
e
e
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twoleftfeet
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Deputy David,
I'm with Dill - I much prefer the original
"One quick kiss and she's away"
- if I hadn't read the original this line would have misled me into cest - perhaps "peck" instead of "kiss"?
Geoff
I'm with Dill - I much prefer the original
"One quick kiss and she's away"
- if I hadn't read the original this line would have misled me into cest - perhaps "peck" instead of "kiss"?
Geoff
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beautifulloser
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Oi!
You big bountiful poetic slag heap, you've wrecked ya poem. Just my opinion, like.
Well, for what it's worth, now ya got me juices flowing . . . just a suggestion:
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss 'til the clouds give into
the improvident step-mother,
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes
All these pretty little flowers,
how she despises them.
Zeus needs to slap that bitch if you ask me, tell her where it's at or something, I mean what a pussy . . .
If you get me? I rarely do, I like this muchly Mr D. I'm not one for beret wearing, though. But, can I just say, beauyaka!
me
x
You big bountiful poetic slag heap, you've wrecked ya poem. Just my opinion, like.
Well, for what it's worth, now ya got me juices flowing . . . just a suggestion:
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss 'til the clouds give into
the improvident step-mother,
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes
All these pretty little flowers,
how she despises them.
Zeus needs to slap that bitch if you ask me, tell her where it's at or something, I mean what a pussy . . .
If you get me? I rarely do, I like this muchly Mr D. I'm not one for beret wearing, though. But, can I just say, beauyaka!
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Hi David,
I quite like both versions and think the best idea would be to add the final two couplets of the original as a single stanza to end the revised poem. To wit, consider something like this (or something better):
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss and she's away.
A careless step-mother, ("A careless" for "An improvident")
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes.
how she despises all (invert couplet and delete "them")
the pretty little flowers; (colon for comma)
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.
___________
Very interesting poem. Enjoyed.
Best,
L
I quite like both versions and think the best idea would be to add the final two couplets of the original as a single stanza to end the revised poem. To wit, consider something like this (or something better):
Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss and she's away.
A careless step-mother, ("A careless" for "An improvident")
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes.
how she despises all (invert couplet and delete "them")
the pretty little flowers; (colon for comma)
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.
___________
Very interesting poem. Enjoyed.
Best,
L
Blimey. (Best Dick Van Dyke impression.) That might be a brilliant idea. Thank you, Mary Poppins!ElleW wrote:Hi David,
I quite like both versions and think the best idea would be to add the final two couplets of the original as a single stanza to end the revised poem.
Bert