Poetry Forum

REVISION

Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss and she's away.

An improvident step-mother,
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes.

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ORIGINAL

Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,

the cool duplicitous hugs
of a careless step-mother.

All these pretty little flowers,
how she despises them.

Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.

I think you have too many modifiers in the first verse - they should be thin like the sunshine.

Sunshine in March:
cold,
brisk and fickle,

I like the stepmother comparison. Maybe you could make 'her' more aloof in the last verse -

Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look down on them. - Just a thought.

nice one

Barrie

David

I like this a lot, very much my cuppa tea. The carefully selected words and the balance are good particularly couplets 3 to 4.

Stanza 1 is good as it stands but I just wonder if 4 couplets would more effective. What I mean is that you are evoking a reluctant sun and the three couplets come over as exactly that - reluctant and sparse - but S1 is full and wordy. Also I think your step mother metaphor is excellent and original but describing spring sun as liquid and thin is probably not. So where I am getting to is IMO shorten S1 to a couplet and do that by removing the liquid and thin and running on from the title e.g.


Sunshine in March

easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle

Like the subtle change in barrie's suggested ending.

good one
Elphin

Damn those Ides! Feeling the imagery of this one very clearly.

Agree with Barries suggestions too, especially the 'look down on them' one.

nice one.

TDF

Hiya David,

I loved the simplicity of the last 2 stanza (although, as a stepmother, I could argue with the content!!)but have to agree with barrie about the lack of economy with adjectives-never guilty of that myself, of course-March sunshine is reedy and not much else.

It made me remember a lot of things, though.

magnificent mutt

doddy, March sunshine is reedy - an excellent description.

small but perfectly formed. the first stanza is fine to my ear - the slight overindulgence in adjectives is more than compensated for by the rhythmic effect. and by the assonance on "liquid, thin...brisk and fickle" - great sounds, don't get rid!

the rest is simple and elegant. very nice.

Guys, I have to disagree about trimming the modifiers - it's a question of style i.e it's what David does IMHO
- he chats intimately to the reader almost like he has just formulated an idea that he wants to run by you, and
then he develops it more sharply as the poem progresses.

David,
My only suggestion is to think about alternatives for "careless" and "despises" because these words only raise questions.

An enjoyably oblique view of the insipid freezer-light sun at this time of year.
Geoff

Big D

I am with Geoff on this one on the modifiers, but if not done well it can be hinderence, but it is done well IMHO. Liquid, thin is just right - great choice of words.

I'd personally favour four lines in S1. But just a preference, it reads perfectly well as is.

Enjoyed, Sir. Particularly because of late, I've wanted to try and write something similar, you've soothed that ache with this one. (Which is just as well, as it just wasn't happening!. Maybe it will now that you've provided some inspiration).

booyaka!

me
x

Hey, I replied to you early posters, but I see my reply has disappeared. That just makes me look rude, and I hate that.

So, thanks all, comments noted. What I thought I said already, before it dematerialised, is that I wanted to just describe something in front of me for once. No extra-curricular reading required. (That's your doing, beau, so beauyaka to you too).

I still ended up falling into my old bad habits of allusion (remote) and whimsy, but it was fun trying not to.

Cheers

David

David

This is a fascinating poem. Short and sour, like a shot of bourbon and just as intoxicating.

The repetition of the title at the beginning doesn’t work for me, although I think S1 would need something to replace it if it went. As dil commented, the assonance of the shorter adjectives is striking. The trouble is, with the longer options included, it reads rather like a thesaurus.


the cool duplicitous hugs

Lovely language, but is there a comma missing? Could there be a semi-colon after fickle, even?

S3 – despises is a very powerful word. If the stepmother is careless (S2), is that appropriate?


A most enjoyable descriptive piece, particularly with the colour your allusions add.


og

Doggone it. Some very good suggestions all round. I think I went the wrong way with the step-mother thing, so I've tried to redo it.

Cheers all

David

I do like your new S2, but still have reservations about S1.


og

my two pence worth - the revised version is much worse than the original. it's lost its vitality and conciseness. if it ain't broke (which it wasn't) don't fix it!

David

I think the structure is better and the final line in S1 very appropriate.

In S2 your word choice of improvident, ingenue and such sudden fond displays work and are on reflection better than cool duplicitous hugs. I am not sure about murderous mood changes - does the sunshine have the mood change? Maybe yes because she goes away but is that murderous, probably not, its the sudden ice or snow or rain that is "murderous" I think. Anyway I think the line

Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.

says everything about Sunshine in March.

All points made in the context of liking this of course.

Elphin

David, I have to say that I first read the revision and loved it and didn't bother to read the original. Then I read the comments and went back and read the orig. and I have to say the revision is miles better. The kiss you added, the ingenue and the final line of the poem all work well. It feels to me like a much more complete metaphor. Clever and whimsical.

e

Dagnabbit. I'm so confused.

Deputy David,

I'm with Dill - I much prefer the original

"One quick kiss and she's away"
- if I hadn't read the original this line would have misled me into cest - perhaps "peck" instead of "kiss"?


Geoff

Oi!

You big bountiful poetic slag heap, you've wrecked ya poem. Just my opinion, like.

Well, for what it's worth, now ya got me juices flowing . . . just a suggestion:

Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss 'til the clouds give into

the improvident step-mother,
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes

All these pretty little flowers,
how she despises them.

Zeus needs to slap that bitch if you ask me, tell her where it's at or something, I mean what a pussy . . .

If you get me? I rarely do, I like this muchly Mr D. I'm not one for beret wearing, though. But, can I just say, beauyaka!

me
x

Hi David,

I quite like both versions and think the best idea would be to add the final two couplets of the original as a single stanza to end the revised poem. To wit, consider something like this (or something better):

Sunshine in March - liquid, thin,
easily discouraged, no
sticking power, brisk and fickle,
one quick kiss and she's away.

A careless step-mother, ("A careless" for "An improvident")
a thoughtless ingenue -
such sudden fond displays,
such murderous mood changes.

how she despises all (invert couplet and delete "them")
the pretty little flowers; (colon for comma)
Sometimes she can hardly bring
herself to look at them.

___________

Very interesting poem. Enjoyed.

Best,
L

ElleW wrote:Hi David,

I quite like both versions and think the best idea would be to add the final two couplets of the original as a single stanza to end the revised poem.

Blimey. (Best Dick Van Dyke impression.) That might be a brilliant idea. Thank you, Mary Poppins!

Bert