Breath and Blood

[ElleW]

Breath and Blood

The closest thing to poetry is a loaf of bread
or a ceramic dish or a piece of wood lovingly
carved, even if by clumsy hands.
.....................................-- Pablo Neruda

Between rainsqualls, I bake bread – the sour
beer smell of yeast lies heavy in the kitchen air.

Punching and kneading, I think about the bowl
I made for my mother from the bole of a fallen

tree and remember how slowly the rough wood
took shape under my hands, starting as a block

spindled sideways on a lathe; how the spinning
wood was oddly fluid under pressure of a metal

cutting tool; how the blood from clumsy fingers
stained the smooth surface, had to be sanded off.

Is it our breath, our blood, that poetry wants
I wonder as I leave loaves to rise again, return

to my notebook feeling drunk from the fumes,
but knowing the bread inhaled me in equal parts.

I pick up a pen, slash through words on the paper,
wondering how many more times I’ll have to punch

this one down, slice and shape it with the metal
of my pen, how much blood I’ll leave on the page.

[barrie]

I've never tried my hand at pottery or sculpture, but I do make a lot of bread so I know exactly what you mean. There's something therapeutic and satisfying about making bread, not so much in the kneading (for me), but in experimenting with different flours, herbs, olives and things.

I had no problems at all with the writing, it's very well done - The three activities have been well woven together, particularly in the last two couplets. The 'sacrifice' of blood and breath is a nice touch - putting your soul into it (quite apt for this time of year).

Just a couple of points to make concerning grammar/punctuation.

how the blood from clumsy fingers
stained the smooth surface, had to be sanded off. - Doesn't sound right. Three suggestions -

how the blood from clumsy fingers
which stained the smooth surface, had to be sanded off. or

how the blood from clumsy fingers,
staining the smooth surface, had to be sanded off. - or

how the blood from clumsy fingers
stained the smooth surface and had to be sanded off. - I'm sure there are other alternatives.

Is it our breath, our blood, that poetry wants
I wonder as I leave loaves to rise again, return - You need a question mark after poetry wants.

nice one

Barrie

BTW - Welcome to the forum - enjoy it.

[Elphin]

Elle

Very well done - you have weaved three activities together, seamlessly. You have established a neat rhythm in the early lines and maintained it throughout. I particularly like the way that the rhythm and the enjambement propel the reader from one couplet to the next. Fallen/tree and spinning/wood are two examples I would pick out. Also some good sounds created - e.g. the first stanza b sounds and sibilants and oddly fluid which flows off the tongue.

A couple of observations for you to consider:

Maybe the smell of yeast hangs heavy rather than lies.

The word notebook jarred with me. I think its because of the link to a laptop computer and therefore it appears to be an introduction of technology to a piece that is about artisan activities. Maybe just to my notes would avoid this.

Good piece - I think this is more original than your earlier piece and I much prefer it.

Elphin

[David]

Hi Elle,

I'm not a big fan of poems about writing poems, but if you're going to do it, you need to do it pretty well - and you have. Very clever interweaving of the different activities.

I particularly like the flow - can I say mellifluous? - of this:

Punching and kneading, I think about the bowl
I made for my mother from the bole of a fallen

tree and remember how slowly the rough wood
took shape under my hands, starting as a block

spindled sideways on a lathe

Very good stuff.

Cheers

David

[ccvulture]

tree and remember how, slowly, the rough wood

?

Stuart

ps nothing else to say on this!

[dillingworth]

superb. rhythmically this works very nicely - barrie i have to disagree with your suggestions. though not strictly grammatically accurate those lines cited above sound so much better as you had them originally and, i think, make sense without the redrafting.

slightly reminiscent of elizabeth cook (currently gracing the underground):

Give me a bowl, wide
and shallow. Patient
to light as a landscape open
to the whole weight
of a deepening sky.

Give me a bowl which turns
for ever on a curve
so gentle a child
could bear it and beasts
lap fearless at its low rim.

[the stranger]

Indeed, an excellent read, very accomplished.

Although, I'm with David about the writing about poetry issue.

I'll go out on a limb here and say the dreaded word "contrived" it lacked soul, or seemed to.

Maybe ask yourself, where is the "connection" the heart of the poem?

I've referred to this poem more than once, but to me Digging by Seamus Heaney is the poem to aspire to, if you are to write about writing.

Still, as they say "Wadda I know"

cheers
Kris

And to prove the point, (and also to say, no hard feelings) here is a link to one I wrote about writing poetry -

viewtopic.php?f=20&t=5107 hopeless.

[ElleW]

Thanks to all for taking the time to comment. I really must learn to check the box to receive email notices when anyone responds to one of my posts. (duh)

My plan is to post mostly current poems here, or poems that come back to my attention from my slush pile of poems (which I go through fairly frequently with an eye to revision). The first poem was written just a week ago. I wrote this poem last fall and submitted it to a publication that only takes poems about writing. It was rejected, alas.

Anyway, thanks again for your time and comments.

Barrie, thanks. I've had that question mark in and out so many times it lost its curve!

Thanks Elphin. I'm glad you found this more original than the first poem.

David, I understand your comment about metapoetry poems! I'm sure these moments of being obsessed with the act of writing poetry are simply remaining neophyte tendencies and I try not to do it often. The first time I read the statement by Neruda, however, I knew I would write about it.

Stuart, I like the more nuanced read your suggested commas provide. Thanks!

Kris, for "soul" in writing about writing poetry you might also like to look at this poem by Alice Walker. I'll post the poem for the purpose of example and here's a link also:

http://exceptindreams.livejournal.com/tag/alice+walker.

“How Poems are Made/A Discredited View”
Alice Walker

Letting go
In order to hold one
I gradually understand
How poems are made.

There is a place the fear must go.
There is a place the choice must go.
There is a place the loss must go.
The leftover love.
The love that spills out
Of the too full cup
And runs and hides
Its too full self
In shame.

I gradually comprehend
How poems are made.
To the upbeat flight of memories.
The flagged beats of the running
Heart.

I understand how poems are made.
They are the tears
That season the smile.
The stiff-neck laughter
That crowds the throat.
The leftover love.
I know how poems are made.

There is a place the loss must go.
There is a place the gain must go.
The leftover love.

[camus]

mmmmmmmmmmm,

Still you don't answer "where is the "connection" the heart of the poem?" - your poem?

Is there one?

cheers
Kris

[ElleW]

Hi Kris,

I guess I follow this policy: I try hard to listen to all comments and to embrace them whenever I can. I NEVER try to justify or argue for or engage in a debate about my poetry. Perhaps if engagement and debate are the norm here in this forum I will become used to it and change my stance, but at this time I can only let my poems speak for themselves among you all and try to be open to whatever it is you think of them. I do attach responses to the poems in my revision file so I know what sorts of comments I've received on a given poem.

I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable debating, explaining or justifying my poems, but you never know. Meanwhile, I appreciate your comments along with everyone else's here.

Have I failed some sort of test here?

Cheers,
L


Oh, PS. Dillingworth! Thanks so much for that great excerpt by Elizabeth Cook-Lynn. Lovely work from a poet I haven't heard of until today.

[camus]

Have I failed some sort of test here?

Of course not, this place is not that intense, my opinions really do not reflect the majority, all individuals, that's what I like about PG.

I NEVER try to justify or argue for or engage in a debate about my poetry.

My question would be - Why?

Surely your poems mean something to you? And if so why not justify them?

I guess it's the difference between posting on a forum (where discussion and interaction is a given) and posting for your own means, where you can write in a rainbow, or a puddle if you please.

Whatever, you are a welcome poster.

love me xxx

[ElleW]

LOL, Kris, your persistence is enticing. I promise to argue with you about your comments on other people's poems whenever I disagree, okay? When it comes to my own poems I am more comfortable as a silent observer of comments and discussions regarding them. My part is the writing, listening and revising. Of course, as you will have noted, I do give thanks where a suggestion immediately hits home as an improvement. And I truly appreciate comments (pro and con) on my poems.

Elle

[camus]

This is hard work!

see you in the next life,

I'll be late.

all horridity aside check out my website, nothing solid, but a cool juke box.

http://www.closetpoets.co.uk

[ccvulture]

I've just noticed that a squall is a rain-squall by its own definition, so I think you need a different word in line 1. Otherwise it's tautology and seems showcase-y rather than genuine.

Stuart

[David]

I've just noticed that a squall is a rain-squall by its own definition, so I think you need a different word in line 1. Otherwise it's tautology and seems showcase-y rather than genuine.

Stuart

Are we sure about this, Stu? "A squall is a sudden, sharp increase in wind speed which usually is associated with active weather, such as rain showers, thunderstorms, or heavy snow."

Rainsqualls sounds fine to me.

Cheers

David

[ccvulture]

I've just noticed that a squall is a rain-squall by its own definition, so I think you need a different word in line 1. Otherwise it's tautology and seems showcase-y rather than genuine.

Stuart

Are we sure about this, Stu? "A squall is a sudden, sharp increase in wind speed which usually is associated with active weather, such as rain showers, thunderstorms, or heavy snow."

Rainsqualls sounds fine to me.

Cheers

David

Fair enough on the definition David. It sounds impressive as a word. Just doesn't sit too well with I. I've never heard of rainsqualls any more than I've seen a thundersquall or a snowsquall. All three words sound a bit much here, where "squalls" would have been fine.

Cheers

Stuart

[oranggunung]

Hi Elle

and welcome.

I’m arriving a little late to this, but have had a chance to read the piece through several times. You’ve tackled an ambitious project - to try and merge three ideas into one poem, but I think the segues are smooth.


Between rainsqualls, I bake bread – the sour

No problems with the language there, for me.


Punching and kneading, I think about the bowl
I made for my mother from the bole of a fallen

Nice wordplay with the homophones.


cutting tool; how the blood from clumsy fingers
stained the smooth surface, had to be sanded off.

I have to agree with Barrie that something seems to be wrong here. A simple change from ‘stained’ to ‘staining’ would work for me, and might not change the line length (an important consideration?) too much either.


Is it our breath, our blood, that poetry wants
I wonder as I leave loaves to rise again, return

to my notebook feeling drunk from the fumes,
but knowing the bread inhaled me in equal parts.

The punctuation is driving me crazy here. I’m tempted to put commas all over the place, but wonder if it might be better to split this sequence into two sentences.


I pick up a pen, slash through words on the paper,

Just a thought here, with links to pottery and baking …

I pick up a pen, splashing words on the paper,


this one down, slice and shape it with the metal
of my pen, how much blood I’ll leave on the page.

Repetition isn’t the be all and end all, but perhaps it’s good to recognise it and consider alternatives. Is there a sensible substitute for ‘pen’ on the last line? Would ‘nib’ work, for example?

That’s rather a lot of comment on the poem; very little on the artistry, but rather more on the mechanics.

I liked the ideas and the imagery, just had a few niggles with the presentation.

A good read nonetheless


og

[ElleW]

Hi Stuart and Dave,

Thanks for your further reading and illuminating discussion of this poem. I'd forgotten that I'd angsted (how's that for a made up word?) over that very nonconforming word (62,000 Google hits for rain squall vs. 400 for rainsquall). I'm glad you reminded me that it must be thought on.

Og (sorry, I think I misspelled your name before) thanks for the welcome, for your reading and for your comments. I will take a look at the areas you mentioned. Thanks for making helpful suggestions.

Best,
L