abandoned rope

[oranggunung]

revision 1

Two spider's silks,
though weeks old,
moor the lampstand
to its shade.

Furry
with the fibrous filaments
of Brownian motion,
they lie across a dusty stream,
lifted
by the illuminating bulb.

Convection conquers gravity
as tiny ticker tape
rains up at the ceiling.

Beyond this perfidious motion
entropy is satisfied;
a grey patina thickens
and covers the tracks
of the itinerant weaver.




original

Two spider's silks,
now weeks old,
yet weak as wire,
moor the lampstand
to its shade.

Thick
with the fibrous filaments
of Brownian motion;
set
like the legs
of a stick-thin pixie,
they stand in a dusty stream
being lifted
by the illuminating bulb.

Convection triumphs over gravity
for now, as tiny ticker tape
rains up at the ceiling.
Out of shot though, entropy is satisfied;
a grey patina thickens
and covers the tracks
of the itinerant weaver.

[David]

Hey og, the first verse could almost stand on its own as bit of Imagist (is that right?) poetry.

Gets complicated from there on in, though. Got me googling Brownian motion, you did. In fact, it gets very scientific, but I don't think the specialised terminology overwhelms the picture.

I don't really follow what you're referring to in the final four lines, but they still seem to add up to a good finish. I like the image of the itinerant weaver, like a little fourteenth century artisan going from village to village.

Cheers

David

[camus]

Shit man,

I almost forgot about you, then you sneak in with some intense beauts, glad to see you around!

Initial reaction, lose the pixie thing? And is wire weak?

entropy and patina - loverly.

cheers
K

[ElleW]

Hi orangegunung,

I enjoyed this short poem about... dust! I liked the particle theory, the thermodynamics of the imagery. And I definitely saw the light come on and illuminate this particular bed table, with its cobwebs and dust. Nice!

Two spider's silks,
now weeks old,
yet weak as wire,
moor the lampstand
to its shade.

I like this stanza, especially the verb "moor" in L4. Very effective imagery. "Weak as wire" is a nice bit of alliteration (though I use the term to include words in close proximity, not merely words directly adjacent), but the sense of it baffles me unless you mean to imply the opposite of the phrase. Interesting thought.

Thick
with the fibrous filaments
of Brownian motion;
set
like the legs
of a stick-thin pixie,
they stand in a dusty stream
being lifted
by the illuminating bulb.

I'm not hating the pixie image, though it does not seem quite to fit the rest of the poems imagery.

Convection triumphs over gravity
for now, as tiny ticker tape
rains up at the ceiling.
Out of shot though, entropy is satisfied;
a grey patina thickens
and covers the tracks
of the itinerant weaver.

I love those last two lines. Make that the last four.

Best,
Elle

[oranggunung]

Thanks all, for your feedback.


David

I hope you’re not going to suggest cutting this down to a haiku. It took a while to plot through the slightly eccentric train of thought.

Brownian motion might be a somewhat esoteric term, but it seemed the only satisfactory way of describing the movement. I’m glad you don’t think the science obscured the story.

The last four lines are a way of bursting the magical bubble. Instead of saying, “Ignore the man behind the curtain.”, I wanted to say, “Look! There’s a man behind the curtain!” I was trying to maintain a bleaker feel; reinforcing abandonment and neglect.


Kris

Thank you for remembering me. I think I may have been experiencing a block of sorts, but have also had to contend with full-time employment. There’s nothing like a new job to mess with your muse. Having made some special efforts over the last few weeks to sit down, read and crit a few things on PG, I hope I can maintain the input.


of a stick-thin pixie,

I wasn’t overly happy with this image, but I needed something to be standing in the stream. Perhaps a Daddy-long-legs might do, or reed stems. Pipe cleaners?


yet weak as wire,

This is meant to imply that the strands are not weak at all. Is that a bona fide example of irony?

entropy and patina - loverly.

Can I take it you were happy with the last four lines?


Elle

Is the poem about dust? I don’t think so, but the dust is important. (no reference to His Dark Materials intended)


now weeks old,
yet weak as wire,

I was trying to play with homophones and alliteration and irony (still not confident of that term) altogether. I’m glad it didn’t get too messy.

I love those last two lines. Make that the last four.

Glad the ending worked for you too.


og

[Elphin]

Og

A good piece based on a very particular observation. The science is effective but not overwhelming - I think the phrases you use convection/gravity/entropy/patina are, if not in everyday use, well understood in a non scientific way.

I think S1 is the strongest - a reader has no difficulty visualising this. Moor is a good word choice. I'm not sure you achieve the irony intended with weak as wire. Irony is difficult in a short written piece, I think it needs a fuller context if written and always works best spoken where body language and intonation can deliver.

S2 - a couple of thoughts. I suspect Brownian Motion is too scientific for most readers, easy to google but in an atmospheric piece like this do you want the reader to break off to google? I quite like the pixie though - some magic to contrast with the science. I wonder why you chose the line breaks, actually I wonder if you could drop Brownain motion and go for

Thick with fibrous filaments
set like the legs
of a stick-thin pixie,

i think the sonics in that are good but maybe it changes your meaning. Leave it for you to ponder.

S3 - I really like the change in the last 4 lines and the itinerant weaver. As a thought I wonder if you could have included the first three lines in S2 and emphasised the last 4 lines by having them in a stanza of their own.

Final observation - in the title Abandoned is good but rope I am not sure it works or even if you need it.

Well written piece

Elphin

[barrie]

You can spoil a good poem by over-elaboration. I don't think you need to replace the stick-thin pixie with anything - just leave it out. Weak as wire didn't do anything for me either, except leave me a little puzzled, wondering if I'd missed some hidden oxymoron. I would say leave that out as well - It's a good little line that's worth saving, but I don't think that it belongs here.

Two spider's silks,
now weeks old,
moor the lampstand
to its shade.

Thick
with the fibrous filaments
of Brownian motion,
they stand in a dusty stream
(being) lifted - (leave out 'being')
by the illuminating bulb.

Convection (triumphs over) gravity - (maybe use 'conquers')
(for now,) as tiny ticker tape - (do you need 'for now?)
rains up at the ceiling.
Out of shot (though), entropy is satisfied; - (omit 'though')
a grey patina thickens
and covers the tracks
of the itinerant weaver.

I liked the poem and the idea behind it.

good stuff

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

I agree broadly with Barrie's suggestions.

wrt "weak as wire"
- I inferred it was ironic, but even though a spider's web has amazing properties it clearly can't anchor a heavy lamp so the "mooring" metaphor is ironic in itself - it doesn't really need any help IMHO.

Howzabout:
Two spider's silks,
though weeks old,
moor the lampstand
to its shade.

Nice work
Geoff

[oranggunung]

Barrie, Geoff and Elphin

thanks for your comments.

I'm hoping to have some time over the weekend to look at this again. I think it will have to be smaller. That's going to disrupt my reading of it, so I'll try to prune parsimoniously, rather than savagely.


og

[oranggunung]

Sorry to bump.

I've finally got round to the pruning, and thought I'd announce it rather than not.


og

[Elphin]

og

The rewrite does it for me. There is some good stuff on the board right now and this is one of them IMO.

elphin