I try to explain the human heart –
its four chambers; we were talking
about cycling; cardiovascular benefits;
what hearts look like.
Your mother cuts me short, perhaps
because she doesn’t understand it,
perhaps because she knows I’m making it up.
This breaks our spell.
We try to argue, but then we discover
things about each other we’ve kept to ourselves:
no, not here – we’ve kept them
to ourselves.
And then I lay my ear against
her blossoming belly, so to hear
the pizza going down, and you, banging
your tiny fists
on her table,
crying
“where’s mine?
where’s mine?”
I couldn’t explain the human heart
in any real biological way, but I know this:
you can break it and remake it in
the time it takes
to write a poem,
the time it takes
a belly to gurgle,
a cell to split.
The human heart
Hi Stuart,
I really like this poem... especially the last four stanzas. In S1, I think the semicoloned list makes it feel choppy. I think a bit of editing/condensing might be good for S1-S3 to make the poem a quicker, smoother read. The only other thing I'd look at is the use of the word "table" -- it stopped me dead as I was reading (not always a terrible thing).
Consider something like:
I try to explain the human heart –
its four chambers. Your mother
cuts me short, perhaps because
she knows I’m making it up.
This breaks our spell.
We try to argue, but then we discover
things about each other:
things we’ve kept to ourselves:
And then I lay my ear against
her blossoming belly, so to hear
the pizza going down, and you, banging
your tiny fists
on her table,
crying
“where’s mine?
where’s mine?”
I couldn’t explain the human heart
in any real biological way, but I know this:
you can break it and remake it in
the time it takes
to write a poem,
the time it takes
a belly to gurgle,
a cell to split.
Best,
Elle
I really like this poem... especially the last four stanzas. In S1, I think the semicoloned list makes it feel choppy. I think a bit of editing/condensing might be good for S1-S3 to make the poem a quicker, smoother read. The only other thing I'd look at is the use of the word "table" -- it stopped me dead as I was reading (not always a terrible thing).
Consider something like:
I try to explain the human heart –
its four chambers. Your mother
cuts me short, perhaps because
she knows I’m making it up.
This breaks our spell.
We try to argue, but then we discover
things about each other:
things we’ve kept to ourselves:
And then I lay my ear against
her blossoming belly, so to hear
the pizza going down, and you, banging
your tiny fists
on her table,
crying
“where’s mine?
where’s mine?”
I couldn’t explain the human heart
in any real biological way, but I know this:
you can break it and remake it in
the time it takes
to write a poem,
the time it takes
a belly to gurgle,
a cell to split.
Best,
Elle
Stu
This one isn't working for me. I was tempted to pass it by and say nothing but thats not the point is it? So here goes.
Firstly, the first three stanzas which I assume to be the N and the mother talking have some neat phrases that are apt to a couple -perhaps because she knows I’m making it up and we try to argue I like. I think my problem with this section is it doesn't actually say anything other than set up the "heart" as a topic - if I said it was contrived I'd be going too far but its along those lines.
no, not here – we’ve kept them/to ourselves - doesn't make sense to me. Why not here, in what appears to be a domestic setting? I could understand no, not now as referring to breaking the spell.
The next stanza, its a language problem with so to hear. It reads to me that listenting to the belly is a deliberate act to hear the pizza, surely its to hear the fists and the pizza is an unintended consequence.
The last two stanzas seem out of context - if I have understood you have described an unborn baby and presumably a moment of elation so why jump to breaking and remaking a heart? Also I can get a heart being broken in a moment but is it true to say a broken heart is mended in a short space of time.
Of course having said all that i might just have missed the point all together or just be an old cynic.
Elphin
This one isn't working for me. I was tempted to pass it by and say nothing but thats not the point is it? So here goes.
Firstly, the first three stanzas which I assume to be the N and the mother talking have some neat phrases that are apt to a couple -perhaps because she knows I’m making it up and we try to argue I like. I think my problem with this section is it doesn't actually say anything other than set up the "heart" as a topic - if I said it was contrived I'd be going too far but its along those lines.
no, not here – we’ve kept them/to ourselves - doesn't make sense to me. Why not here, in what appears to be a domestic setting? I could understand no, not now as referring to breaking the spell.
The next stanza, its a language problem with so to hear. It reads to me that listenting to the belly is a deliberate act to hear the pizza, surely its to hear the fists and the pizza is an unintended consequence.
The last two stanzas seem out of context - if I have understood you have described an unborn baby and presumably a moment of elation so why jump to breaking and remaking a heart? Also I can get a heart being broken in a moment but is it true to say a broken heart is mended in a short space of time.
Of course having said all that i might just have missed the point all together or just be an old cynic.
Elphin
I appreciate where you tried to take it, but it's a little indistinct. V4 onward, while "better" than the first section, still doen't work that well because it doesn't fit in with that section.
Then there's the problem of V1-3. They read like a shopping list. Very mechanical and not at all fun or interesting to read.
There are also some strange format choices that you've made, choices that seem to serve no purpose other than to cater to whatever momentary whim you had. The transition from V4-5 is a good example of this. Odd line breaks, unjustified even, except in keeping with the quatrain format. Which means the structure is forced, first because of its very nature, but secondly because it stands out in a bad way.
Structure should add to a piece, not detract from it. Perhaps you should ask yourself what this structure adds.
I like the idea here though. There's something to be had for sure.
Then there's the problem of V1-3. They read like a shopping list. Very mechanical and not at all fun or interesting to read.
There are also some strange format choices that you've made, choices that seem to serve no purpose other than to cater to whatever momentary whim you had. The transition from V4-5 is a good example of this. Odd line breaks, unjustified even, except in keeping with the quatrain format. Which means the structure is forced, first because of its very nature, but secondly because it stands out in a bad way.
Structure should add to a piece, not detract from it. Perhaps you should ask yourself what this structure adds.
I like the idea here though. There's something to be had for sure.
-
beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
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Stu, with Eplhin's crit in mind. All I can add constructively is this is too cerebral for what I think you're trying to get at.
Sorry dude, no lengthy crit, but less is more I think . . . .(i hope)
me
x
Sorry dude, no lengthy crit, but less is more I think . . . .(i hope)
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Stu,
I go along with ElleW's suggested changes on this, plus I'd change "her table" to "the table".
An enjoyable, feelgood poem
Geoff
I go along with ElleW's suggested changes on this, plus I'd change "her table" to "the table".
An enjoyable, feelgood poem
Geoff
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ccvulture
Elphin wrote:Stu
This one isn't working for me. I was tempted to pass it by and say nothing but thats not the point is it? So here goes.
Firstly, the first three stanzas which I assume to be the N and the mother talking have some neat phrases that are apt to a couple -perhaps because she knows I’m making it up and we try to argue I like. I think my problem with this section is it doesn't actually say anything other than set up the "heart" as a topic - if I said it was contrived I'd be going too far but its along those lines.
Thankis Elph, you're probably right like L, that it does need a snappier first half. I guess contrivance is a sin, and in that respect me and the missus are sinners, as this is pure reportage.
no, not here – we’ve kept them/to ourselves - doesn't make sense to me. Why not here, in what appears to be a domestic setting? I could understand no, not now as referring to breaking the spell.
The idea behind this bit is I'm writing this for my child, for when it's grown up, to show that heartbreak is easily mended by talking and by sharing a sweet moment together. The "here" is this poem, because me and the missus have decided not to expand on what we discovered - no, not even to our children. Some things are best left unsaid.
The next stanza, its a language problem with so to hear. It reads to me that listenting to the belly is a deliberate act to hear the pizza, surely its to hear the fists and the pizza is an unintended consequence.
Are you saying you never listened deliberately to your lover's belly-noises?! But I see your point.
The last two stanzas seem out of context - if I have understood you have described an unborn baby and presumably a moment of elation so why jump to breaking and remaking a heart? Also I can get a heart being broken in a moment but is it true to say a broken heart is mended in a short space of time.
Of course having said all that i might just have missed the point all together or just be an old cynic.
Elphin