Poetry Forum

She never said "yes" to life,
being slightly hard of hearing
and not entirely sure she'd heard
the question correctly.

She was circumspect and cautious,
did not presume too much.
Sometime she said "pardon?",
sometimes "come again?"

Hi David,

I love short, impactful poems, but this almost seems too short and I end up wondering about all the things you don't say, like who is she, how old is she, how is the narrator related to her? The use of abstracts like "circumspect" and "cautious" and the somewhat cliche "presume too much" simply don't provide me with any real images of the subject of the poem. For me, absent imagery a poem is a strictly cerebral exercise, not an emotional one and I'm more prone to ask the dreaded "so what?"

I think the first stanza works better than S2. I hope to see this one revised and expanded.

Cheers,
Elle

I agreee wid Elle,
two more sanzas would fill
your lonely island quota.

Ancora due stanze, eh?

I'll have a think.

Cheers guys.

David

David

more or less perhaps - S1 could stand alone and could be very powerful if you could find a way to phrase slightly hard of hearing to be ambiguous and perhaps refer to everyone, hearing and not hearing.

Just a thought

Elphin

No takers for my heavily nuanced use of the words "pardon?" and "come again?", then?

Well, I giggled, but thought that was just me...

I too thought circumspect and cautious needed help, but I don't feel you need an extra stanza, just a tighter second one. Don't over-egg the pudding with too much explanation.

I really liked it.

I don't really know what to make of this one, David. Usually, your poems find way to 'get in' but this one doesn't seem to want to, even though I'm standing here with the bloody door open.
Maybe it'll change its mind.

Barrie

Barrie, sounds like our cat. I open the door for her, and she wanders off in another direction. Did you know that "pets" is an anagram of "pest"? And, if you add nothing to it, you get "poets"?

Mmm. Mushrooms.

Haha! Yay! David's cloak of superficial grace has revealed the nutter within. I knew all along.

So, erm, this about the missus, or what? Great title - if it is about the missus, get shot of her. Only things that have ever caused a man trouble are wheels and tits, yeh said it before, yeh others probably said it - must be true.

Shouldn't it be, "Pardon?!" and "come again?!". I dunno . . . .

Nice one.

much love

me
x

What, my cloak of superficial grace my momma made for me? Nah, it's not the missus, but she does have a great set of wheels.

Mmm, wheel balancing.

I quite like your exclamation marks. I do !!!

Molto amore

D.

Big D

You fucking with me, or what?

If you like them so much, and I'm happy paying for them: Let me get the wife the following placards you can hold up:

Harder!

Harder!!!

HARDER!!!!!!

HARDER BITCH RIDE ME MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIDE ME REALLY, REALLY MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT's IT, YOU DIRTY BITCH, YOU ENJOYING THAT? EH?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHA! Sorry, Big D. If you need a tutorial, I'll happily pop over if you're coverign expenses!

As you know, I'm all for spreading the fuck and love. I might have to sttech to A3 for the last one though.

I hope the banter continues.

Can I say at this point, how much I'd love to slap a big platonic kiss on your cheek for being a goovy nigga - whilst banging your missus, well, I'm an open minded liberal sort, providing you wrere good looking I'd obliged. Is this a PG first?

My word, on a note of sincerity, you know I think ya the nuts, so apologies if I've pushed it!

Me
x

Is this a PG first?

Um, probably.

Apologies if I've pushed it!

No worries, amigo. Now though, more than ever, my wife must not start reading in this forum. Let's leave the old girl out of it from now on, maybe. Better safe (me) than sorry (definitely me).

Cheers you bl you

D.