Serenade

[ElleW]

It was the church bells,
or maybe the musky
smell of concrete
after the first rain
of a new year,
but I heard your voice today.

In the blur of rain,
you stood facing me,
that half-smile curving
your lips, wintry sun
aglow on your hair.

Afraid to blink,
I held my breath
as silver strings
of rain wove a shimmering
wall between our two worlds:
yours of golden light,
mine of midnight blue.

Tonight, wind strums
the rain like a guitar
refrain as I sip a glass
of wine and let your favorite
old songs serenade me

[ccvulture]

[Message removed by author.]

[ElleW]

Oh dear, Stuart,

I like the poem; think it may have precedents to check up for avoiding plagiarism, but that's not my job. Heheh.

Apparently it is your role to say something so awful without a shred of specificity or support, though, huh?

I'll be very happy to have you make it a goal to find evidence of any sort of plagiarism in this, my original poem.

Shame on you to raise that spectre in this way to a new board member. Surely this group has mechanisms for dealing with suspected cheating. Use them, or maybe ask someone in charge before you say something so entirely baseless and rude.

Elle

[ccvulture]

[Message removed by author.]

[camus]

whoaaa down there critters....

As a mod, I'll say Stu, I think you were pushing it a little with the plagiarism reference!

As a balance, I'd say " I know where you are coming from though " a slightly tired approach, the old serenade.

Elle, please don't take yourself too seriously, you'll be gone in a jot! Where is your jot? catch your jot...

maybe ask someone in charge before you say something so entirely baseless and rude

Fortunately, there is no higher being here, no pompous right/left/center wing authority, we rely on the posters to regulate themselves, if they start crying like babies, we usually burn them...democratically of course...

Get a grip, take the crit.

Love me and most here.

K

[ElleW]

Thanks, K, for smoothing the waters. I am willing to accept, as you say, that Stuart wasn't actually accusing me of plagiarism and that his statement was merely an inartful way of suggesting the poem's subject matter and title didn't feel fresh to him. The best alternative at this point is simply to move forward... with, on, in a jot... er... quickly.

L

[camus]

No problem L,

The last thing I want to do is push you away!

Onwards and upwards.

cheers
Kris

[beautifulloser]

Elle

Firstly, welcome to this 'ere beefcake of prejudice, as it's now known to my tiny and muddled brain.

I thought this was dead good, on the whole. But, forgive me if I am mis-reading the thread of Christian conviction . . . or are you just to clever for me? I'm not sure, but that said, it don't make a slight bit of difference to the quality of the piece. I'm just saying that, aware that some folk may knock it, and if it isn't intended then you might care to think about it, and failing that, it's a good poem so that's up to you and I don't need an answer as I don't care, but that's how I interpret it. As it is.

At this point, I'd poke you anally for being a bible bashing myth digger, but we'll leave that for another time. When emotions are running a little lower.

That eye of yours is freaking me out. It's not a nice eye, but maybe that's the post production photshopped-ness of it. It's got a care free sort of vibe, and eyes shouldn't be like that - what is it? They're not of organic human origin, that's all I know for sure, and if it is, then whoever they belong to most deffo is not of the human variety. If you know those eyes, then run!

Just trying to be nice, being the defensive type. I say with all the love we should shed on one another that the sort of totalitarism suggested in your last three sentences will be the making off moonshine shedding you of any democratic right to exist in this transient floundering of the material world - and that, if it's said with any conviction you should perhaps consider moving to China.

I'm just testing your sense of humour there, don't attack me, I'm too battered and bruised as it is. You got to start somewhere and may the conflict of thoughts, perceptions, fears and past rejections unite us all in a big flowing moose juice of harmony. All on top of former eastern bloc technology, those linux dudes with their PHP and open source communities selling nothing but computer science intellectual correctness.

Nice one with the words.

Can I just say at this point:

that if any of you fucking pricks disagree with me, then I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you

(enter heavily delayed and reverbed hispanically modal melodic progression lodged in that popular culture membrane of yours . . . you swines!)

me
x

[Travis]

I've yet to see a better welcome than that. A good ramble from BL beats the fuck out of the typical hello and good luck that's normally doled out. You're off to a good start.

By the way, welcome to the forum. And good luck!

[ElleW]

Dear beautifulloser,

Thanks for the great laugh and your amazing welcome (warm like a blanket and a slap and a hot toddy all in one).

I enjoyed seeing a bit of this poem through your eyes. Christian tract? No, but I see the references.... especially given that this poem (for me) is about my mom and she was a Christian at the end of her life. But (again for me) the idea of "visitation" or "spirits" goes back further than some come lately religion.

Have you ever seen that timeline of planet earth made for high school classrooms? You pin it up starting at the door of the classroom and take it around the room at about eye level, pinning as you go. It's long, nearly 60 feet long, and it goes all the way around most classrooms. The one inch at the very end of the timeline represents the time humans have been on earth. The last 1/4 inch represents all of recorded human history. I'm sure there was a point to this, but I've forgotten what it was. It is a cool poster though!

Ummm, what else? Oh. The eye. That is one of the onsite PG icons... the first I saw during a casual perusal of those available that seemed a bit weird and interesting. I will likely change my icon periodically. I usually use a photo I took of stonehenge if an icon is allowed. So the eye is not terribly meaningful except as an indication of my impulsiveness. However, what's the deal with your icon? It looks like there will likely be blood dripping somewhere... soon.

And China. Yes. The new land of opportunity for all: entrepreneurs, artists, idealists, all. Anarchists wanted immediately (they need that body count). I'd be there already, but I can't afford the airfare because they think I only want to see the Olympics.

Anyway, thanks for the ramble. I'm still smiling at "beefcake of prejudice"! As for any orifical contact... we'll have to negotiate.

Peace,
L

And hey Select Samaritan. (SS?) Thanks. I needed exactly that light touch on the shoulder.

L

[barrie]

There a couple of things that I'd like to suggest -

Afraid to blink,
I held my breath
as silver strings
of rain - 'Afraid to blink' and 'I held my breath' are a little too well used for my taste, and really stand out as such. Do you need them, or even replacements? Why not go straight into the 'silver string' thing?

that half-smile curving
your lips, wintry sun
aglow on your hair.

Silver strings
of evening rain
wove a shimmering wall
between our (two) worlds:


The other thing is the awkward placing of 'refrain' in the final verse.

It is an old theme, ghosts from the past and all that - but, then again, what isn't? I didn't rate it as high as your last poem, but it was well written all the same.

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Ellew and welcome,

I really like
wove a shimmering wall

My only quibble with this piece is that the silver strings/weave metaphor morphs into a
silver strings/strum metaphor which doesn't quite work for me.

I think it would work better if you changed "silver strings" ()maybe "threads"?") - i.e don't try to link the images -
and I would omit the word "refrain" too - it implies a melody while "strum" implies chords..

Geoff

[ElleW]

Thanks Barrie and Geoff for your helpful comments. I appreciate getting a sense of where, how and why a poem doesn't quite work and you've all given me lots to think about with regard to this poem.

Cheers,
Elle