The Cure

[dogofdiogenes]

My life was in a million pieces;
the counselling was no fun.
But oh what traumas talking teases-
now my hell and I are one.


doneindog

[du bois]

An interesting piece. Just a thought on the transitions: from suggesting that the counselling was no fun you go on to add a caveat, 'but oh what traumas talking teases'. Now traumas for some might well be fun but for the majority I assume that they are not. I think that if you take on a sadistic line this could be brought out somewhat more specifically.

Having said all that the first line talks of 'life...in a million pieces' which could well suggest a certain derangement of, what some would consider, natural thought processes. Either way, a useful soundboard which is great.

[David]

Wow, jac, somehow this reminds me of the start of one of those classic Broadway songs - you know, the sort of spoken introduction that turns into Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered or something.

This sounds like Something from the Desk of One Who Knows - it's got inside knowledge written all over it, and it's very good, very pithy. I think your syntax goes a bit haywire in L3, but that may just be me.

Good stuff, but could be expanded, maybe?

Cheers

David

[barrie]

I like this - I can't see why it should be, or how it could be expanded. I would say that everything's summed up in four lines. Sounds like the counsellor's done the opposite of divide and conquer - kicks the zen approach in touch too.

now my hell and I are one.

Again I disagree with David - I don't have a problem with the syntax in L3.

I do have a problem with the rhythm in L2 - the counselling was no fun

My life was in a million pieces;
counselling was never fun.
But oh what traumas talking teases-
now my hell and I are one. - reads better (to my ears anyway).

nice one

Barrie

[Elphin]

dog of d

Excellent - so much contained in so few lines. I really like the way the million pieces of the first line are internalised into one in the last. You certainly achieved instant understanding from this reader this time.

To the two points raised by David and barrie. There is something not quite right in the structure of l2 and l3 and I think barrie's right about the rhythm. How about

the counselling was never fun,
but oh what traumas talking teases,

There was a band called The Cure way back, as I recall their music was quite depressing - any reference intended?

Elphin

[emuse]

Dog it's all here and soooooooooooo true.
More's the pithy.

And the word's minds are placed on their sticky fingers.

e

[dogofdiogenes]

Dear Folks,

Thank you for that...no, nothing to do with the band..I have always found it ?funny that being 'cured' according to Our Glorious Service usually means an exacerbation of symptoms, a kind of turning inside out. And thank oyu for the comments on the middle lines-i reached the point where I couldn't see the wood for the trees. A common problem!!

needingdaylightdog