Back here again (re-written, once or twice) (and now thrice)

[barrie]

Attempt no.3 -

Dandelions are back
on next doors lawn,
welcome as gypsies
squatting on a village green.
Plundering birds raid the guttering,
dropping moss around the house:
nesting time’s returned.
Wolf spiders jump again
on the front path,
ever wary of the snapping sparrow….

And so we all begin again
like some inane children’s song -
Spring follows winter, follows autumn, follows…

“Soon be summer!”
a passer-by informs me.

I smile,
under my breath.

.........................

Second attempt -

Wolf spiders are back on the front path,
hunting amongst the moss
dropped from the guttering
by plundering birds:
nesting time’s returned.
Mint shoots push aside
tired snowdrops,
fresh lupins look to the growing sun,
while on next doors lawn,
the dandelions arrive,
squatting like gypsies
on a village green.

And so we all begin again
like some inane children’s song.
Spring follows winter, follows autumn, follows…..

“Soon be summer!”
a passer-by informs me.

I smile,
under my breath.

..........................


first attempt

Dandelions are back
on next door’s lawn,
as welcome as gypsies
on a village green.
Wolf spiders jump again on the front path,
stalking around the house
amongst the moss, dropped
from the guttering
by pillaging birds -
nesting time’s returned.
We all begin again, like some inane children’s song.
Spring follows winter, follows autumn, follows….

“Soon be summer!”
a passer-by informs me.

I smile.

Idiot.

[TDF]

haha, enjoyed this one, made me chuckle, you miserable sod.
Liked the opener, it set the tone nicely, which was carried through to a great ending imo. nice one!

stalking around the house,
among the moss dropped
from the guttering
by pillaging birds -

I found this quite hard to read, inasmuch as I stumbled over the words a little. Not sure if it's me or the punctuation.


Tom

[David]

Sumer is icumen in, eh? It's got that change of season feel, which is very nice. I think Tom might be right about the stumbly bit, and I wonder whether you could find something smoother than "as welcome as" for your gypsies image.

"Idiot" is quite a harsh finish, as well, but if that's how you feel ...

I'm a big softy, I know, but I wouldn't have minded at all if you'd extended your spring catalogue, without the sting in the tail.

Cheers

David

[barrie]

Thanks TD - I've moved the comma - How's that?

Thanks David -

Dandelions are back
on next door’s lawn,
popular as gypsies
on a village green. - Is that any better?

cheers both

Barrie

[TDF]

Think that coma makes the difference my brain needs.

Although, on further repeated reading, I'm not sure if I like the 'ing' on guttering combined with 'pillaging'. Half of me thinks it unnecessary and tricky to read, the other half loves the slightly awkward pattern as it helps create a commotion of sorts... such as the birds are creating.

Tom

[ElleW]

Hi Barrie,

I enjoyed this wry, amusing poem. I think the narrator's "voice" is strong and engaging, though I thought the final "idiot" might detract and make the speaker seem just a bit too curmudgeonly. Maybe that's just me, though.

A couple of suggestions:

In L6, consider deleting "around" as it seems to imply the "stiff walk" meaning of "to stalk" rather than the darker, "hunt and seek prey" meaning of "stalking"

Also, I think "guttering" seems awkward, but I think "gutters" would be misleading and confusing. Consider "rain gutters" or something like that. Is it the moss or the spiders that the birds drop from the rain gutters? The comma as it currently stands doesn't clear up the confusion for me.

Good one, Barrie. Enjoyed.

Best,
L

Dandelions are back
on next door’s lawn,
as welcome as gypsies
on a village green.
Wolf spiders jump again on the front path,
stalking around the house
amongst the moss, dropped
from the guttering
by pillaging birds -
nesting time’s returned.
We all begin again, like some inane children’s song.
Spring follows winter, follows autumn, follows….

“Soon be summer!”
a passer-by informs me.

I smile.

Idiot.

[Lake]

Hi Barrie,

It sounds a revival of life to me, lively. I like the use of "gypsies ", it is fresh and new.

Sorry, I first took "idiot" as the signature of the writer.

Enjoyed it very much!

Lake

[Elphin]

You are an old misery - but good job.

A couple of observations;

I wasn't sure about the line breaks in l1 to l4 - still not to be honest but if you stick with them then on the front path should be dropped down to continue the on the... sequence.

A challenge to you - you refer to an inane children's song, how about creating some form of roundel out of this to emphasise the Back Here Again?

elphin

[beautifulloser]

Hello gorgeous

What's up Baz? Where's the big cuddly fella gone, cyncical doesn't suit you dude. Ya got to much heart for that sort of stuff, that niche has been claimed by miserable me.

That said, how many springs you seen? Ah, I wanna give you a big cuddle Bazaroo . . . .

So where's all the non cyncical spring like stuff Baz, I do appreciate you had a life before my cerebral chaotic bullshit infiltrated the membrane, so where's this back catalogue, let me at em sil vous plait . . . .

But I do love ya poem . . . I agree with David, what about "squatting like Gypsies", as welcome as you can do better than.

much love

me
x

[twoleftfeet]

Barrie,

Not full of the jolly old joys, eh?
I don't think this is cynical - then again, I'm a miserable old git: self-deprecating is how I'd describe it.
If you were to change "Idiot" to (say) "Fool" you would retain more ambiguity IMHO.

Wolf spiders jump again on the front path,
- this line feels a tad clunky to me.
My grammar chip expected the construct to follow that of "dandelions are back"
(.i.e "wolf sopiders are jumping again") although I can see why you would have rejected this.
Me being me, I would love to see
"Wolf spiders are back on the front path...."
which would require changing L1, of course, but the suggestion "dandelions are squatting..." is a good 'un.

Nice work
Mole

[barrie]

Thanks again TD - I used to do a lot of roof repairs once upon a time and gutter always makes me think of the channel between the road and the pavement, guttering caught the run-off from a roof. Old habits, that's all.

Thanks Elle, points taken - things shall be changed.

Thanks Lake -

Sorry, I first took "idiot" as the signature of the writer.

- You are very probably right.

Elph - I have a version without on the front path, and you're right, it needs to go.

Thanks Beau -

cyncical doesn't suit you dude

- I was born with an acid drop in my mouth, Beau. Although I have matured a little through the years, I'm still cynical - ask god.
Thanks for the gypsy suggestion, I may purloin that - I think a big re-write is needed.

Thanks Geoff - Good suggestions - like I said to Beau, I'm going to have to rip this one to pieces and rearrange things, I think.

Cheers all - I'll take what you said and have another go at this over the weekend and see what I can make of it.

Barrie

[David]

Good one from beau - I think "squatting like gypsies" is excellent.

[TDF]

Thanks again TD - I used to do a lot of roof repairs once upon a time and gutter always makes me think of the channel between the road and the pavement, guttering caught the run-off from a roof. Old habits, that's all.

Funny, because gutter makes me think exactly the same thing tbh. I just found the ing a little clumsy in the poem. But in truth, I think it is a necessary evil, if there is such a thing.

Tom

[barrie]

Taking your suggestions into consideration, I came up with a much altered version - Any improvements?

cheers

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Yes, I think it's a definite improvement - can't find anything to quibble at.
The extra lines of description give the piece a more optimistic feel, IMHO, which act as a counter-balance against the ending.

[TDF]

Personally I prefered the old ending I think, but then I like the blunt things soemtimes.

All-in-all, I think the poem flows better now, it's easier to read. Although I think maybe you over down-played the gypsies in the second one. Admitedly the new poem, in general, is more PC and less 'offensive', but it was that offense that I liked in the first one. The writer is allowed to hate the time of year, and the people and moods it creates - so why should he tone it down for the reader?

So, in conclusion I think I prefered the tone fo the first one, but with the flow of the second.

Tom

[Elphin]

barrie

I think I'll take a contrary position on the rewrite - the beginning of the first version was more immediately attention grabbing. The only change I would keep is the gypsies squatting and for the sake of symmetry drop down a line on the path. so it becomes

Dandelions are back
on next door’s lawn,
as welcome as gypsies squatting
on a village green.
Wolf spiders jump again
on the front path

to open with wolf spider line is humdrum compared to the dandelion image and they also set the tone better. I'd disagree with tlf - forget the balance of mint and lupins and stay grumpy.

i do think your new ending is better though - more subtle.

Elphin

[beautifulloser]

Baz

On the whole I prefer this one. I can see what Elphin is saying though . . .

I was not that keen on:

Mint shoots push aside
tired snowdrops,

But I do like:

fresh lupins look to the growing sun

Now that I know you used to be a roadie for early Pink Floyd, if ya want to call him an idiot then might as well stick the boot in . . .why's the passer by an idiot . . . ? Maybe I'm an idiot for asking . . .?

me
x

[barrie]

Thanks for coming back to this - looks like I need another re-write, some sort of hybrid.
Beau - About the idiot - the last time he spoke to me was about six months ago. "Soon be Christmas!" was his last gem.

cheers

Barrie

[dedalus]

Hi Barrie,

Be bloody winter again by the time you get the rewrites done.
Just another one of those random circular thoughts

[barrie]

Hi Barrie,

Be bloody winter again by the time you get the rewrites done.

- Like the passer-by I mentioned said, Bren - "Soon be Christmas!" Shortly after that we'll all be back here again, where we started, so it won't matter.
Anyway, you won't have to wait that long - I've re-written it again.

cheers

Barrie

[Lake]

I'm glad "Dandelions are back " as an opening line.

[TDF]

Plundering birds have raided the guttering,
dropping moss around the house:

This is much easier to read, compared to the original. Though I wonder if you could lose the 'have' and the 'ed' from raided?

Tom

[beautifulloser]

Baz

Well done on the re-writes, I quite liked the growing sun line but I think it's a definate improvement what you got here, as it is. Could poententially over cook it and it looks better leaner, I think.

Likewise, agree with Lake that the dandelion line is a much better opener - good to see it back in.

Good job

me
x

[barrie]

I'm glad "Dandelions are back "

- The next door neighbour wasn't!

I wonder if you could lose the 'have' and the 'ed' from raided?

- The birds had already been and gone - but it sounds better. Yes, why not.

Cheers Beau - I think it's about done now.


Thanks all.

Barrie