The Boat

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camus
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:34 am

Sunburned gas-blue
I think I love you.
You’re cracked.
You’re anchored – abandoned.

Your surname is sunk
beneath the silt and sand
but “Betty” is aloft;
Betty Blue, I’ll call you

as dawn gleams

like mercury above you
almost afraid to rise.
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dedalus
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:44 am

Just so: not a single word more, not a single word less.
Good one; nay, excellent! :!:
pseud
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 6:59 am

yeah I'd have to come back to this Kris, but my initial impression is a lot like ded's - good, compact stuff.
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k-j
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:54 pm

Some lovely writing here. Somehow this poem exudes optimism, but without any obvious source - a neutral, directionless optimism.

I love the first two lines. And a perfectly placed semicolon!

Only quibble is with "silted sands". A river or harbour can be silted, but sand? Maybe "silt and sand" or "silty sand" would make more sense.
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twoleftfeet
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:20 pm

Kris,

The vibe I'm getting from this is that you have somehow fallen in love with this boat - or the idea of falling in love
with her, as nautical types might say - as though you were a love-struck teenager, impervious to her
failings.

Great read
Geoff
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Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:27 am

Yo

Dunno what to think of this, quite happy getting sucked into the boat thing, but then Geoff has a point. Mind you, that's all an interpretive mess.

All that remains are the words and it is a fine poem indeed, Sir.

Take a bow

me
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Lake
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:55 pm

Love this petite. It is so delicate. I especially like how the imagery mixed up with the sentiment.
Elphin
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:35 pm

Kris

I have to say quite excellent - I think you should stick with version 1 though. I'm not sure the misted horizon adds anything and the emphasis on mercury is lost. Mercury has so many connotations - winged messenger, alchemy etc that I think you want to keep the focus on it.

the kinda poem I wish I had written

elphin
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:55 pm

I agree with Elph - it's V1 for me. Beautiful ending. Quite uplifting, matey.
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:57 pm

Ah, sunken boats. Yes, something I'm rather familiar with.

I think this is unashamedly sentimental, and strong because of it.

I prefer V2 for its structure, but like the minimalism of V1's ending more. Could you try and think of a different ending, but keep the structure of V2? V1's placing of lines is, for me, a tad too specious and delicate in a poem that already requires a sweet tooth.

Dave
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:59 pm

I was down at the cost this weekend and saw almost this exact sight. This is a lovely little poem to reflect what I saw/felt.

I'm in agreement with some fo the others here, I prefered the original ending.

nice one.
TDF
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stuartryder
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:12 pm

Yeah, very Cornish light and shade in this. Well-writ dude.

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Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:28 pm

Much prefer original. Couldn't you have 'silting sand'?

Without fiddling with it.

Evocative.


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Oskar
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Mon Apr 14, 2008 12:53 pm

Kris

It's V1 that floats my boat, Sir. For me, it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page. You lose some of the magic in this one by padding it out at the end. You just give it a fat arse and end up with Bella Emberg instead of Kelly Emberg.

Cheers
Last edited by Oskar on Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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camus
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Mon Apr 14, 2008 1:38 pm

Thanks dudes,

Some great comments that helped me put it in perspective:

and the emphasis on mercury is lost - absolutely

it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page - Well I'm split on that, but in this case the Bella Emberg arse shall be deflated.

thanks all

Kris
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