The Boat
- camus
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Sunburned gas-blue
I think I love you.
You’re cracked.
You’re anchored – abandoned.
Your surname is sunk
beneath the silt and sand
but “Betty” is aloft;
Betty Blue, I’ll call you
as dawn gleams
like mercury above you
almost afraid to rise.
I think I love you.
You’re cracked.
You’re anchored – abandoned.
Your surname is sunk
beneath the silt and sand
but “Betty” is aloft;
Betty Blue, I’ll call you
as dawn gleams
like mercury above you
almost afraid to rise.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
yeah I'd have to come back to this Kris, but my initial impression is a lot like ded's - good, compact stuff.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
Some lovely writing here. Somehow this poem exudes optimism, but without any obvious source - a neutral, directionless optimism.
I love the first two lines. And a perfectly placed semicolon!
Only quibble is with "silted sands". A river or harbour can be silted, but sand? Maybe "silt and sand" or "silty sand" would make more sense.
I love the first two lines. And a perfectly placed semicolon!
Only quibble is with "silted sands". A river or harbour can be silted, but sand? Maybe "silt and sand" or "silty sand" would make more sense.
fine words butter no parsnips
- twoleftfeet
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Kris,
The vibe I'm getting from this is that you have somehow fallen in love with this boat - or the idea of falling in love
with her, as nautical types might say - as though you were a love-struck teenager, impervious to her
failings.
Great read
Geoff
The vibe I'm getting from this is that you have somehow fallen in love with this boat - or the idea of falling in love
with her, as nautical types might say - as though you were a love-struck teenager, impervious to her
failings.
Great read
Geoff
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Yo
Dunno what to think of this, quite happy getting sucked into the boat thing, but then Geoff has a point. Mind you, that's all an interpretive mess.
All that remains are the words and it is a fine poem indeed, Sir.
Take a bow
me
x
Dunno what to think of this, quite happy getting sucked into the boat thing, but then Geoff has a point. Mind you, that's all an interpretive mess.
All that remains are the words and it is a fine poem indeed, Sir.
Take a bow
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Kris
I have to say quite excellent - I think you should stick with version 1 though. I'm not sure the misted horizon adds anything and the emphasis on mercury is lost. Mercury has so many connotations - winged messenger, alchemy etc that I think you want to keep the focus on it.
the kinda poem I wish I had written
elphin
I have to say quite excellent - I think you should stick with version 1 though. I'm not sure the misted horizon adds anything and the emphasis on mercury is lost. Mercury has so many connotations - winged messenger, alchemy etc that I think you want to keep the focus on it.
the kinda poem I wish I had written
elphin
Ah, sunken boats. Yes, something I'm rather familiar with.
I think this is unashamedly sentimental, and strong because of it.
I prefer V2 for its structure, but like the minimalism of V1's ending more. Could you try and think of a different ending, but keep the structure of V2? V1's placing of lines is, for me, a tad too specious and delicate in a poem that already requires a sweet tooth.
Dave
I think this is unashamedly sentimental, and strong because of it.
I prefer V2 for its structure, but like the minimalism of V1's ending more. Could you try and think of a different ending, but keep the structure of V2? V1's placing of lines is, for me, a tad too specious and delicate in a poem that already requires a sweet tooth.
Dave
I was down at the cost this weekend and saw almost this exact sight. This is a lovely little poem to reflect what I saw/felt.
I'm in agreement with some fo the others here, I prefered the original ending.
nice one.
TDF
I'm in agreement with some fo the others here, I prefered the original ending.
nice one.
TDF
meh and bah are wonderful words
- stuartryder
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Yeah, very Cornish light and shade in this. Well-writ dude.
Stuart
Stuart
Kris
It's V1 that floats my boat, Sir. For me, it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page. You lose some of the magic in this one by padding it out at the end. You just give it a fat arse and end up with Bella Emberg instead of Kelly Emberg.
Cheers
It's V1 that floats my boat, Sir. For me, it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page. You lose some of the magic in this one by padding it out at the end. You just give it a fat arse and end up with Bella Emberg instead of Kelly Emberg.
Cheers
Last edited by Oskar on Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry
- camus
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Thanks dudes,
Some great comments that helped me put it in perspective:
and the emphasis on mercury is lost - absolutely
it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page - Well I'm split on that, but in this case the Bella Emberg arse shall be deflated.
thanks all
Kris
Some great comments that helped me put it in perspective:
and the emphasis on mercury is lost - absolutely
it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page - Well I'm split on that, but in this case the Bella Emberg arse shall be deflated.
thanks all
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk