Poetry Forum

Sunburned gas-blue
I think I love you.
You’re cracked.
You’re anchored – abandoned.

Your surname is sunk
beneath the silt and sand
but “Betty” is aloft;
Betty Blue, I’ll call you

as dawn gleams

like mercury above you
almost afraid to rise.

Just so: not a single word more, not a single word less.
Good one; nay, excellent!

yeah I'd have to come back to this Kris, but my initial impression is a lot like ded's - good, compact stuff.

Some lovely writing here. Somehow this poem exudes optimism, but without any obvious source - a neutral, directionless optimism.

I love the first two lines. And a perfectly placed semicolon!

Only quibble is with "silted sands". A river or harbour can be silted, but sand? Maybe "silt and sand" or "silty sand" would make more sense.

Kris,

The vibe I'm getting from this is that you have somehow fallen in love with this boat - or the idea of falling in love
with her, as nautical types might say - as though you were a love-struck teenager, impervious to her
failings.

Great read
Geoff

Yo

Dunno what to think of this, quite happy getting sucked into the boat thing, but then Geoff has a point. Mind you, that's all an interpretive mess.

All that remains are the words and it is a fine poem indeed, Sir.

Take a bow

me
x

Love this petite. It is so delicate. I especially like how the imagery mixed up with the sentiment.

Kris

I have to say quite excellent - I think you should stick with version 1 though. I'm not sure the misted horizon adds anything and the emphasis on mercury is lost. Mercury has so many connotations - winged messenger, alchemy etc that I think you want to keep the focus on it.

the kinda poem I wish I had written

elphin

I agree with Elph - it's V1 for me. Beautiful ending. Quite uplifting, matey.

Ah, sunken boats. Yes, something I'm rather familiar with.

I think this is unashamedly sentimental, and strong because of it.

I prefer V2 for its structure, but like the minimalism of V1's ending more. Could you try and think of a different ending, but keep the structure of V2? V1's placing of lines is, for me, a tad too specious and delicate in a poem that already requires a sweet tooth.

Dave

I was down at the cost this weekend and saw almost this exact sight. This is a lovely little poem to reflect what I saw/felt.

I'm in agreement with some fo the others here, I prefered the original ending.

nice one.
TDF

Yeah, very Cornish light and shade in this. Well-writ dude.

Stuart

Much prefer original. Couldn't you have 'silting sand'?

Without fiddling with it.

Evocative.


Minst.

Kris

It's V1 that floats my boat, Sir. For me, it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page. You lose some of the magic in this one by padding it out at the end. You just give it a fat arse and end up with Bella Emberg instead of Kelly Emberg.

Cheers

Thanks dudes,

Some great comments that helped me put it in perspective:

and the emphasis on mercury is lost - absolutely

it's about how a poem sounds when read aloud and shared with others, rather than what it looks like on the page - Well I'm split on that, but in this case the Bella Emberg arse shall be deflated.

thanks all

Kris