Poetry Forum

(Sorry to do this - but it has to be done!)

When I was young, my father sent
used cars and vehicles (so bent
that they were only good for parts)
up to the house - our breaker’s yard.

I loved to play at make believe.
I’d sit inside, pretend to drive,
changing gears and steering wheels
pushing pedals, toes and heels.

I liked the smell of rotting seats,
burnt-out wires, strong scent of grease,
the grit of broken iron and glass,
brittle rubber, tarnished brass.

One day he sent a Morris home –
all black and gutted from the flames.
The seats were springs, the paint was rust
and I was finding bones and stuff,

Metacarpals on the floor
metatarsals by the door.
It became my fav’rite treasure
much to Mum’s and Dad’s displeasure.

Today, I dropped my cigarette
into my lap, which I regret.
Well, modern seats are fire proof
but not my thighs, to tell the truth.

I thanked the Lord, (though not devout),
and put the burning denim out
My praises rose, like incense sweet,
to celebrate my hands and feet.

Dave,
If you mentioned some sump-oil you could combine both competition subjects in one poem!

The ending made me laugh - I thought of Kenny Everett's BROTHER LEE LOVE and his growing arms..

In this day and age your Dad would no doubt get done for Health and Safety offences, exposing a minor to hazards
or whatever.

You could probably turn this into a song, if you wanted.

A nice slice of nostalgia
Geoff

Great stuff. It brought back memories of playing in my local scrap yard as a kid and also nearly crashing many times when I used to smoke and drive.

Koz

A very catchy rhythm to this one and a funny tale to tell. There seem to be two places where the rhyme fails, so I thought I'd tender some alternatives.


that they were only good for parts)
up to the house - our breaker’s yard.

that they were only good for scrap)
up to the house – round the back.


One day he sent a Morris home –
all black and gutted from the flames.

The Morris was a revelation –
gutted by a conflagration.


I’ve tried to wean myself away from these closely metred formats, but you’ve turned my head here. I better go and read some prose.

enjoyed

og

This is a good one, Dave. Tight and funny. Your rhymes do go a bit wonky from time to time, and in something that works as well as this, for the most part, it's a bit annoying. If you can polish those bits up - get them off some other old thing and fix them to your vehicle - you'll be done.

Cheers

David

David wrote:Your rhymes do go a bit wonky from time to time....

Gidday David, sorry it throws you. It's really a combination of laziness on my part, songwriting (where I enjoy half-rhyme for some reason) and a desire not to be too artificial (if that makes any sense). Most of all, I just enjoy putting words together. I don't get too territorial about it. Hey, but thanks for reading it and enjoying some of it.

Og (Dave) - "You're my wife now, Dave." - League of gentlemen. Thanks for the possible edits. they are cleverer than my lines, but I actually don't mind the rhythm of those lines. You have to pause in the middle of them to make them make sense. (Been marking biology all day and need a sleep.) I'll check them again when I wake up and see if I still feel the same way in the AM. But thanks for the suggestions.