Poetry Forum

[Version 2
(Don't really know if this is an improvement on V1, re-edits are not my strongest points but hey ho, here goes....)

The sun is falling out of sight
ready for bed, cuddling a dog eared
bear,

behind a
forgotten church spire,
which dies behind a disused factory.

The weather vane shifts in the
pre-Cambrian wind,
which rips through

this postcode.
Dinosaurs used to roam
down this road,

I tell my children,
but they’re gone, departed
like dawn milkmen.

Version 1
The sun is falling out of sight
ready for bed, cuddling a dog eared
bear,

behind a
rusted church spire,

that pokes up from behind a disused factory.

The weather vane points North and spins in the
Pre-Cambrian wind,
which blows

and chills my bones.
Dinosaurs used to roam
down this road,

I tell my children,
but the're gone, extinct,
like the early morning milkman.

I definitely like parts of this, the great imagination is so clear to see. I think certain lines overpower others. For example:

I tell my children,
but there gone, extinct,
like the early morning milkman- I really love this stanza, really tackles the concept of extinction with a very light-hearted feel. Liked that a lot.

The lines that i didnt like so much and thought were a little cliche were:

rusted church spire

and chills my bones- Doesnt deter from the quality that much but i feel they were a tad cliche and they were almost like fillers IMO for better lines. That saying, probably very minor nits on my part.

This is one of my favourites of yours and i think you've really hit the spot taking something quite serious eg the dinosaur extinction and maniplulating it into a very tomgue-in cheek view that befits a child's questioning.

Good job

dl04.

agree with the over use of cliches,

I will remove them during a re-write

Hey John,

Enjoyed this like the others have. A really easy and fun read, yet still having something 'deeper' in there. nice work.

Love the opener, I think it's really original, great image.

As to the cliches, I think they have potential here actually. But maybe you could sway them a bit more toward the dinos...
"Fossilised spire", "and chills stripped bones"... or something.

The weather vane points North and spins in the - Not sure I get this. Does it point north, or does it spin? and what is the relevance of North?

behind a
rusted church spire,

that pokes up from behind a disused factory. - I think theses lines should be a 3, like the rest of the poem, I don't understand why there is a space.

but the're gone, extinct,
like the early morning milkman - "They're gone". And I think just "Like milkmen" would be a punchier ending.

Great little poem, grats. Look forward to the redraft
Tom

John

I don’t remember commenting on any of your other poems. Please forgive this oversight.

I liked the use of imagery here. The initial line had me thinking of A.A. Milne (a generic image, rather than a specific one). Unfortunately, my reading of the piece was distracted by the much-punctuated sentences that didn’t stop when I expected them too. Was that structure a deliberate choice?

Some thoughts on cliché:

spires poke
weather vanes point
wind blows

can they manage any other activities? I think a different verb choice could invigorate these lines.

At the end:

but they're gone, extinct,
like the early morning milkman.

The use of ‘extinct’ is a little heavy-handed imo. Is there a lighter way of dealing with the idea …

but they're gone.
Unlike the early morning milkman
they won’t be coming back.

A few nits:

dog eared … shouldn’t this be hyphenated?
Pre-Cambrian … no capital for pre, unless at a new sentence
the’re … missing a “y” before the apostrophe


looking forward to more

og

IMO another very respectable piece John.

I think the image painted in s1 is very good and the last stanza as someone mentioned handles the idea of extinction very gently.

My two main points for you would be that

The weather vane points North and spins in the
Pre-Cambrian wind,
which blows

and chills my bones

feels like a filler section. The question is for you, but does this add anything? Can a wind be Pre Cambrian? IMO prior to this you have described whats outside therefore you can go straight to the road.

Second point is that your line breaks feel arbitrary. Main example is behind a - why would that be on a line on its own? Without changing anything IMO as an example the line breaks in S1 work better as

The sun is falling out of sight
ready for bed,
cuddling a dog eared bear,
behind a rusted church spire,

final nit
that pokes up from behind a disused factory. maybe remove up its implied by it being a spire

You are keeping up your standard - well done

elphin

For what it's worth, I like the Pre-Cambrian wind.

Cheers

David

John,

Like David, I thought "pre-Cambrian wind" was a nice touch : my brain wanted to substitute Cumbrian until the dinosaur associations kicked in.
However the following "which blows " could be safely removed IMHO, so that you end up wthe "wind which chills"
- I got the impression it was only there to give the stanza 3 lines rather than 2., i.e. a visual thang..

Darwin would be interested to know that milkmen preceded dinosaurs

Nice one
Geoff

Thanks for all the feedback..

This is my first effort in “experienced” and I’m glad I haven’t shot my self in the foot!!

Rest assured I am taking all your feedback and crits on board and will endeavor to use them to improve not just his effort but all future efforts.

TDF, the relevance of the weather vane pointing north was supposed to represent the future whereas the south pointed to the past, a little vague I know.

Orang, yep the following
spires poke
weather vanes point
wind blows

do need invigorating.

Right I’m off to re-edit, will psot soon.

Once again thanks for all the feedback, it has defiantly helped me settle in!!

Hi John,
not read all of the comments about your poem BUT I have read your poem.

For me its an odd mix of genre. I feel its faux modern at the start and then somewhat pastoral, and to be honest I do not like it for its too great a fracture in the poems voice. Perhaps its just the middle with "The weather vane points North and spins in the Pre-Cambrian wind, which blows" which does this for me, but I think its valid especially if we recall that the line before it talks of a factory...

However the end is quite sweet but I am not sure if its a little ironic.

Anyway thanks for the read

Lars

Some great imagery. Mostly it worked, but:

"dog eared bear" didn't work for me; dog and bear clash, and I can't get a clear picture.

Comments by others here are to the point, so I won't repeat them.

Overall I like this. With a little tightening it will be even better.

removed