Poetry Forum

Clay men impressed, in sand,
a hand and chalk unite,
despite the shrieking glimpse perceiving, grinding on the wall.

A slate removed, erased,
and chased down fields,
yet still yields light bulbs glowing in the brightest fashion.

Forget, recall, remembered
when, dismembered sat these gears,
appearing to be adequately churning -

Collecting sparks, and dust,
where rust and rain destroy,
this joy now processed, left for dead.

This history, like metal spokes,
that choke the brilliancy we had -
too bad we treated graceful thinking
like blackboards and machinery.

no comments to be made at all?

Pseud,

Very Industrial - Gears, Sparks, Rust, grinding.

Thats said I don't really get it. Can't relate the poem to the title.

The message lost in the imagery perhaps?

Maybe I'm just being thick, an explanation would be handy, I'm sure I'd appreciate it more.

!!!!

haha, ok sorry everyone,
I just realized the last stanza is missing. I must've gone to cut and paste (while editing in Word) and left it out.

Sigh...I'll have it up shortly...as soon as I can locate it.
Hopefully it will explain the problem Kris.

But perhaps not, I am vague. Or so I've heard. I might just edit the whole thing.

- Caleb

There, edited...

If it still can't be discerned, then I'll break down and just come out with the effect I was going for.

OK,

I see a progression in time... from cave-men drawings to machinery to the death of machines... am I close?

You're looking at man kind and taking a wistful attitude towards a simple past..

If that’s correct:

Then it's extremely good, a little hard to digest.. but good. I would say to work on it a little more, and find a way to really tie in that title.. Because that is what throws people off. The idea I got didn't really fit in well with Psychology.

Don't give up posting... You do have talent as a writer....

Have you ever tried really pouring your emotions into a poem? Something juicy and perhaps, something you would only show a perfect stranger?

.tg.

Close...I'll give you the cigar.

Any other ideas?

This one was done on a whim. I really must work on clarity. This one will be reworked, perhaps put up sometime next week/year in a different way. Any further suggestions would be great, but I'm just fine with it. I'm already busy with three other (and I believe better) poems.

- Caleb

excellent imagery, but i wouldn't neccessarily 'get' the meaning

well to me the poem seems to be about ideas and genius, closely associated with poetry obviously... Maybe I've read it all wrong since I'm striving to make a good poem since I registered here.

'hand and chalk unite' mind and words unite as one, in creating what you have thought of

'light bulb' connotations of ideas etc

'forget, recall, remembered' essentially i see this poem as refering to the mind and it's collection of ideas that fade and change as time goes by...

'this history, like metal spokes, choke the brilliancy we had'

am I right Pseud?

pseud, have you come across a book called "Out of Control" by Kevin Kelly? I'd recommend that you read it. It might help.

haha. No but I've read the first few pages of a Dr. Phil handbook to having a better life.

Should've never put the link up. How embarrassing.

"Different poet, different person..."

Excellent poem

I'm sorry I can only critique it with the above words, but I don't know enough about the technical aspects of poetry yet. But for what it's worth, I was very impressed with the poem

Nice poem. All I can understand of the meaning though is something like 'New fangled technology is taking our morals!' though I'm probably so wrong.

Dont and Steve-

Out of courtesy I respond, but I don't want to bump the posts as I'd much like this poem to be buried somewhere far away under lots of fragile things no one will move. Thanks for looking in on this. It was a poem from what feels to be a loooong time ago - as you can see it was posted last March, when I was first attempting to write something. No knowledge of the technical aspects of poetry are needed to analyze this poem, as none were employed. And the meaning is utterly impossible to find - good luck to all brave enough to go looking - you're probably right Dont. I've forgotten what it was supposed to be anyway.


Thanks again,

- Caleb