stirring of the season

[oranggunung]

revision

Heart of light,
frosty touch,
teasing a tumescent dawn -
lift me
from my well-worn ways
to sense the new direction.

Air of calm,
coaxing life,
wreathing all in wakefulness -
leave me
through
with warmer veins,
dispel dark meditation.

Voice of song,
springing step,
flooding colour as a tide -
hold me,
just a hair’s breath more,
in rapt anticipation.


original

Heart of light,
frosty touch,
reaching through a dawn of hope -
lift me
from my well-worn ways
to sense the new direction.

Air of calm,
coaxing life,
wreathing all in wakefulness -
leave me
through
with warmer veins,
dispel dark meditation.

Voice of song,
springing step,
igniting colour in your wake -
hold me, just
a hair’s breath more,
in rapt anticipation.

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

This reads beautifully and comes across as kind-of devotional, like Wordsworth
(its probably "wreathing all in wakefulness " that makes me think that, and "rapt")
- although I sense that there may be more going on here than a Nature poem - like perhaps falling for someone?

Nice one
Geoff

[barrie]

I like the way you've structured this and the language makes it nice and light - fresh, I suppose. I could say that phrases like dawn of hope; well-worn ways & new direction are quite 'well worn' themselves, but taken in context, maybe you could get away with it - originality is always better, but you already know that.
It's like an ode to spring - and we all know where (young?) men's thoughts turn to in spring.

nice one

Barrie

[Elphin]

Like Geoff I am getting more than just a seasonal poem.

This is deep and intricate, I have read it many times and seen it different ways. I can't crit the language - I was intrigued though by the juxtaposition of wake and wreathing which are connected to death with the images of song and colour.

A couple of minor nits - dawn of hope (overused maybe) and leave me/through with warmer veins I don't think I understand.

On structure it appears as if you are going for formality (syllable count, rhyme in the final lines etc) so wondering why you have allowed it to break out at some points. For example, in the last stanza dropping the me ending, 6/7/6 line count, number of beats in l3 s3 is a stumble. Everything in the language I think- the devotional - is asking for formality of structure.

Good piece
elphin

[tim slum]

on my first read through I was rather disapointed with some of the cliches that Barrie pointed out. however, i figured there must be more and with the hints of sexual innuendo from the title, Barrie and Geoff- what a lovley filthy poem. "wreathing all in wakefulness - leave me /through /with warmer veins". I like the sound of wreathing its almost writhing, and i can only think of one warm vein. And then the big finish. Voice of song,/springing step,/igniting color in your wake-/hold me, just/a hair's breath more,/in rapt anticipation." Why do i want a smoke so bad? Anyway, I am rather embarrassed by my slow reaction to this poem, and I know that it is an age-old devise to hide juicy little supprises inside wholsome good-natured poems, but this was one of the first i've read. me likes.

[TDF]

This was an interesting/strange one for me. As I read it I didn't think I liked it. But it flowed so smoothly and had such deft rhythm that I was at the end before I knew it, and had been sucked in by both the meaning and the language. It's very rare you find a poem that makes you wonder whether you like it, even when you can't help but read it a good dozen times...

prolly a useless crit, but there ya go.
Tom

[oranggunung]

Geoff, Barrie, Elph, Tim & Tom

Thanks for the crits and the good vibe. I’m glad the flow of the piece was enticing.

I tried to use unusual language and phraseology to open up some of the ideas, but, as ever, cliché has crept in. I did puzzle over “dawn of hope“ for some time, but failed to come up with a satisfactory alternative. It’s the line I like least, and I am keen to fix it. However, having sat on this for a month, I decided I couldn’t leave it any longer or the timing would be all wrong.


Elph

leave me/through with warmer veins

the ‘leave’ was meant as in interleave/interleaf

structure – ahh yes. Again, a matter of time. Now I look at S3 L3, I am frustrated by the reappearance of wake. I have an alternative for S3, so I might have to go away and focus on S1. Perhaps I can manage a more formal arrangement after all.


og

[Gene van Troyer]

Elph...

leave me/through with warmer veins

the ‘leave’ was meant as in interleave/interleaf
og

"Weave" would be a fine substitution for "leave."